What is honesty and how does it affect your mental health?

[quirkywords]

I want to discuss what honesty means to you and your health.

People say that they fake being well, or wear a mask so no one knows their pain.Is this being honest.

When we do not admit our flaws and our behaviours does this make it harder to have insight into our illness and harder to get better?

Do we need to be honest with ourselves and others in order to be well.?

Honesty can be a very subjective personal word. What one people feels is being honest another may feel is not.

For many years I was in denial about my illness so I would admit to myself I was ill, I was not honest.

So what does honesty mean to you? So lets start a conversation. All ideas welcome.

Everyone is welcome to comment, new posters, regular posters, I want everyone's ideas.

Quirky

[quirkywords]

When someone says to me, I was only being honest, what does that mean. Are they me an opinion or a fact? Are they saying if I think I am honest i can anything to you even ifI hurt you?

What do others think " I was only being honest means? Is it a sentence you have ever used or heard?

Quirky

[PamelaR]

Hiya Quirky

Yes, it is a phrase I use.

I think I use it when there's a need to emphasise something. Sometimes I think I use it when there is an element of frustration or trying to make a valid point.

Does this make sense?

Pammy

[Quercus]

Hi Quirky,

Yep I used to use "to be honest" a lot until someone here wrote does that mean usually you're not being honest?

To me it is a warning. When I say to be honest it means what is going to follow is not going to necessarily be what you want to hear. I am used (like you Quirky) to people pleasing so for me yes honesty is sometimes difficult because it hurts.

Also I find the phrase to be honest lets me word my feelings in a way that they feel less threatening.

For example I could say... (Both statements are true)...

I feel overwhelmed by life at the moment.

Or....

To be honest, I feel overwhelmed by life at the moment.

To me the first bit is a warning that what follows might not be nice.

Another important point for me personally is that I feel that the "to be honest" is my way of showing I am somehow reluctant to share this information (also true) but am giving it anyway.

I don't so much see it as a licence to hurt others but as a way to say I am being open with you but am not comfortable so please please please try not to get angry at me. I don't like conflict much.

[quirkywords]

Quercus,

To be honest, I really liked your thorough reply. Sorry i could not resist that.

You raise many important points. I like the idea of to be honest being a warning, and I think I use it like that too. People often say yes I want the truth, I want you to be honest, but when you are, they get disappointed or upset.

I think a small warning is a good idea.

I also feel that to be honest does show some reluctance and your are communicating this reluctance with someone else.

I appreciate your considered thoughts. I wonder what other people think of what Nat and I said, to be perfectly honest!

Quirky

[Birdy77]

Hi Quirky and all,

If you really want to know the truth (😉), I agree with Nat, and I use TBH in a similar way, like a small warning, or to emphasise something e.g. if someone asks how I'm doing, I might say "I'm struggling a bit, to be honest".

It does convey some reluctance, but also gives it some importance or emphasis if you get my drift.

🌻birdy

[smallwolf]

*** trigger alert ***

I might be going off topic slightly, but ok now the importance of being honest...

Ad most of you would know I am having problems with the meditation prescribed - suicide idealizations, to the point that a plan is in my head. Obviously what I need to do is be in a safe place.

I spoke to a friend about this, who gave me some very sound advice. Yesterday I was at my psych. Again I was brutally honest with her. It is hard but I was able to get the one thing I really needed. That is a way to get into that safe place.

Additionally I had to come clean to my wife about the dreams. She took the news better than I thought. But she is here with me on this journey so that we can get through it together.

Honesty can be difficult, but can pay dividends when looking for support. At least for me

[quirkywords]

hello all

Birdy thanks for your comment .It think saying to be honest is better than saying I am fine, when you are not.

Smallwolf, You have shown that honesty is very important. It shows what being brutally honest can achieve. I think we sometimes try to shield our loved ones but as you say your wife is on this journey with you.

Thanks you for sharing this and that you are in a safe place.

I am sure your honesty here will help others.

[quirkywords]

Hello everyone,

I am wondering if you know people to whom honesty is not that important. I am not saying that means they are a liar. I know someone who tells others what they want to hear whether it is the truth or not. She says she tell s people what they want to hear. Of course she has lots of friends ans is very popular.

I mean to some extent we all tell people what they want to hear. No you dont look big in that, Yes I am fine, No, I don't mind helping you, etc etc

I think we have discussed this before but are there degrees of honesty .

Are we are all on the spectrum?

Quirky

[Elizabeth CP]

I think honesty is important but so is tact. Some things are better left unsaid. You don't need to comment on someone's appearance unless specifically asked & even then you could just focus on the good parts for example. The colour really suits you or I like your hair like that Don't mention that you don't like the style of the dress for example. If the person needs to know if they look OK eg if they're trying on clothes to buy or they're going to an important event & need to look nice then tell them what you don't like but do it in a nice way. Eg I think a more fitted dress would suit you better or I prefer you in blue That dress is nice but it is more suited to a party than an interview.

In other words will saying this negative true comment benefit the person if not Don't say it. If it is important they hear the whole truth say it in a tactful way.

One example where being honest helped was years ago. My husband bought me flowers for Valantine's day. A nice gesture but we lived in a shed with no room to put anything & poor light so they couldn't be appreciated. I didn't want my husband to waste his money like that again but didn't want him to feel bad. Eventually I explained how much I appreciated his thoughtfulness but then pointed out that I couldn't enjoy the flowers in that setting. I suggested when we moved into our new house I would prefer flowering plants so I could have flowers for long periods. The next year I got a lovely flowering pot plant to keep on my kitchen bench. Other times he bought me rose bushes for the garden. By being honest he knew what I really liked but still knew I appreciated what he did.

[quirkywords]

Hello everyone,

Elizabeth I like what you wrote.

"In other words will saying this negative true comment benefit the person, f not , don't say it. If it is important they hear the while truth so it in atactful way."

Also the the thing about a true comment, it may just be an opinion ,even a true opinion. Some people feel they have a need to say the truth and forget about feelings.

I like your story about the flowers . I think it depends how sensitive is the person you whom you are telling the fact ,

Thanks Elizabeth for your thoughtful reply.

Quirky