What does 'recovery' mean to you?

[hope4joy]

Hey guys,

I just had an interesting chat to my Mindspot phone therapist (thanks to whoever it was that recommended this course) about my expectations about experiencing depression. I realise that I've been feeling like a failure because I haven't eliminated my symptoms from my recent bout before uni goes back next week. But in the broader scheme, I've been busting my gut in therapy for the last six years, trying everything to 'get better', yet am still faced with many issues.

I'm starting to question which bits of my mental illness I keep fighting and which bits I accept and try to manage. I've always had such high hopes and standards. Sadly my depression is not the once off isolated episode sort - but I've had all sorts of difficulties since I was around nine years old.

So my question is, what does recovery from mental illness look like to you? What does it mean? What does it involve? What do you accept and what do you keep fighting to change?

I'm keen to hear your experiences,

with loving thanks,

Christina

[Doolhof]

Hi Christina,

I like the questions you have asked here. As a fellow sufferer of depression, I know so well that one day is never the same as the next!

Recovery for me means different things each day! Recovery may be the feeling of relief when I am discharged from hospital and I have a desire to live and try new options.

Recovery is the morning I wake and decide it is an excellent day and I am not going to let the little things bother me.

I accept that I have the courage to try to change things in my life for the better. I also accept that some days that may just not be possible, so on the bad days, I try to take it easy on myself and tell myself I can try again tomorrow.

I keep fighting the negative thoughts in my head. Yes, I do try to accept them, but some days it is a battle.

On the whole, I am very happy with the way I am travelling right now. I know there are a lot more things I could be doing to improve and enhance my life and I am working on those things.

Thanks again for a great thread, I hope people join in and share their thoughts.

Cheers from Mrs. Dools

[geoff]

dear Christina, well that's a really good question to ask, and remember that everybody is different, but as I say that there are a few general rules which may seem to apply to everybody, and I do thank Mrs. Dools for her reply, as each recovery could be different from the last one we have, only due to the different circumstances.
We have to accept that when we are 'busting our guts' trying everything possible to get us back on track, can vary, depending on how you feel and what we have had to cope with during that past week, and when we feel as though we are getting back on track then THE recovery just seems to be a length away from being able to do, however when we have a bad week it may seem to be impossible, which means that we are stagnate or lay low until we begin to feel better and then start the process once more, but when this does happen it puts us two steps back.
There is always the determination that we want to get better for some people, and if you feel like this then your chances of overcoming your depression is excellent.
So when we wake up in the morning do we feel mediocre or do we feel as though it's going to be a good day, but don't forget that either of these can change around to the opposite, such as mediore turning into a great day, and that depends on how strong you feel, because to recover we need strength and a need to want to get better.
In depression there will a heap of issues that you may not be able to solve, and if you can accept this then if they occur, just push them into the background, because if you try and go back to try and solve them again and again it's only going to push you back into your depression and that's what you don't want.
There are heaps of issues that I could never solve, so I never go back there and never think that as I feel strong I can now try and tackle them once more, that's a bad decision, and have tried doing it myself, but then I was back in depression, so now I never go there.
We can never be perfect in life no matter how strong we feel, because there is never any perfectionism in solving all of your depression, rather it's how we can cope with it and then manage it. Geoff. x

[hope4joy]

Hi Mrs Dools,

thanks so much for your reply... what you wrote sounds really beautiful... kind and compassionate and forgiving and just going with what is, and doing the best under those circumstances. Somehow I'd never thought about it like this. It make a lot of sense. And if I think about it this way it makes me feel like a success, in that I always try to move forward, and when at a loss, I try to at least stay even or not dip back too far. Its such a slow process isn't it! I guess what you wrote sounds like a way of life rather than 'some point of attainment'. 

Thank you for sharing your thoughts it is just what I needed to read today. I'm tired of being so hard on myself and having such high standards for perhaps an unattainable 'recovery'. Perhaps recovery can be how I live life, and that is grand enough in itself without too many rules and regulations for what it should involve.

With kind thanks,

Christina 

[hope4joy]

Hi Geoff,

thank you for sharing your thoughts and wisdom on this topic. I appreciate you sharing how some issues are intrinsically linked to depression - and that it is okay to choose not to go there and to instead choose health. And that this is not some sort of avoidance but is rather a choice of wellness over illness. Yes its good to hear that.

You also spoke about the positive attitude. And I guess sometimes this is firing and at other times it is a bit dull and foggy, I guess maybe that is something to accept too. I know that when uni gets busy I have less time to put into recovery - although in many ways i am moving forward so much through doing what matters and challenging myself to move forward on many levels - i guess i just don't have much time for processing or therapy - its more about action and doing things. maybe like the seasons - uni is spring and peak summer, and then holidays are autumn and winter and slower times to sit and reflect -though only in healthy amounts. Its helpful for me to stay light and only reflect on deeper things every now and then. I read a beautiful quote once that difficult work is like you're diving underwater, you can only stay down so long and then you need to come up for air and rest. Maybe recovery is a bit like that too?

I think i'm still digesting your words Geoff, will come back and read this thread again. 

I wonder if others have views experiences approaches about recovery to share?

With kind thanks,

Christina 

[Starwolf]

Hey Christina,

Thank you for this great post.

 For me, acceptance has played a major role in healing. Amazing how the words "fight" and "battle"  keep being tossed around over and over again. Having done a lot of fighting in the past has made me aware that it only led to one thing : battle fatigue. A huge step forward was accepting that my mental issues and the damage done may well be with me for the rest of my life. From that time on, healing began to happen as if gradually, a previously hindered process was allowed to take place.

Acceptance however doesn't mean giving up. For me, it has meant persistence in trying various approaches but without being attached to results. I kept up with whatever helped ease my restless mind and rejected what didn't. I think I just learned to look after myself. Putting an end to a losing battle released energy dammed up by mental/emotional exhaustion. I realized I was fighting a battle on 2 different fronts : on one hand I was at war with my problems and on the other I was also at war with myself for not doing well enough to fix the problems. No wonder I couldn't get out of bed in the morning !

I could gradually manage self-discipline a lot better, only pushing myself to take the difficult first step when I knew the next ones would come easier and the end result would actually improve my state of mind. If some days still felt awful, I didn't blame myself or raged against the illness...It was no more considered a failure to cope with an attack from some inner demon. It was just the way things were at the time. Like all else, they would pass. They did. Eventually.

In a nutshell, this change of attitude from aggressive approach to befriending the "enemy" (including myself), played a significant role in recovery. We are all different and so see things from a different perspective. So I hope others will contribute their side of the story.

Thank you again Christina for initiating this exchange of views.

[Scotty2013]

Hi Christina well it means to me, stability housing, emotionally, looking after yourself diet. Also gaining the tools to deal with things, it may takes years, decades but long as you are on the right road and keep moving forwards.  Idk I think of it much like AA...if i don't do certain things my Anxiety/Dep is out of control. 

[hope4joy]

Hi Starwolf,

thanks you for your really thoughtful reply. Yes I hear you on the exhaustion front, the constant battle to not only stay on top of things but to also conquer and change them! Ah, what energy it takes. I'm also a hyper vigilant sort, programmed to be very receptive to my environment and always scanning for danger, so all up makes for a very depleted me. I kinda feel that I have above average energy levels, but unfortunately way above average energy expenditure!

Yeah I hear you on the acceptance front too. I guess this is something I'm thinking about on and off a fair bit. It all started at new year when i was really low and reached out to a support line and the lady on the phone asked whether the treatments i was currently in (i.e. therapy with a psychiatrist) was helpful... and i couldn't answer her. I realised i didn't really know how to measure my progress or success. And this has progressed into thinking what recovery looks like. Like you shared Starwolf (lovely profile name by the way) I too have damage and issues that I think will be with me forever. So maybe aiming for elimination isn't helpful... maybe eliminating their bind on me through acceptance is a kinder more realistic path. I find it awfully confusing to differentiate between giving up and accepting what is... I was one to run away from issues for many years so I guess i err on the side of keeping on going until i really know it is time to let it be. 

Your comment about mentioning befriending the enemy makes sense to me. I heard a story once about how when a king was out away on business an intruder, who was a big ugly ogre, came and surprised everybody and walked right through the palace and sat on the king's throne. All the king's staff tried to get the ogre out - they hurled insults at him, yelled at him, threatened him - but all that happened was he grew bigger, and meaner and uglier and smellier, until he took up almost the whole space of the palace. When the king returned he immediately saw the problem, he went up to the ogre and offered him a cup of tea and a foot massages and all sorts of kindness, and he shrunk a little bit. The staff cottoned on and also offered the ogre kind acts... until eventually he was so small he disappeared. The moral being the fighting our problems only makes them worse, kindness and realistic strategy is what achieves results. Its hard to live this at time, I can get so furious at my shortcomings.

Nice to chat 🙂

Kind wishes, Christina 

[hope4joy]

Hi Scotty,

It nice to hear from you. I find your profile pic intriguing, it reminds me of old-school tv signals when programming had stopped for the night... though in black and white. What drew you to it?

You raise some good points Scotty, that recovery does need to meet our basic living needs. I travelled around for about 12 years never stopping in one place all that long, and have found that being in my current home for almost three years now, the longest ever as an adult, has made so much difference to recovery. And diet and exercise are so important too, looking after ourselves in general.

Its interesting you made the 12 step reference - I used this program to recover from my eating disorder a few years back - it was the thing that actually made me change and stop my harmful behaviours. A big part of that program was about taking each day at a time... and I kind of feel that is a common thread to people's replies here... that one can only ever do what one can do on a particular day... and to keep the general direction of movement towards positive goals etc.

I practice yoga and have been going for about 4 years or so now and I think I've given up on being attached to progress - because I move forward in postures and then i go backwards and it changes day to day and time of day and where i'm at emotionally. But i keep going because its great for my back (i had an injury a few years ago) and also really helps manage my emotions, it helps release emotions that get stuck, and helps me find my centre again. The teachers often stress that is a "yoga practice" and it is always just a practice. Maybe that is what recovery is too? Kinda like life,,, just a day by day "practice". Shucks I fear I'm getting a bit philosophical here, I'd rather stay in the practical. But maybe recovery really is just one day at a time. I wonder why it is that i keep dreaming of some elusive end point, some place where "i've made it", where life suddenly makes sense and flows and is in perfect balance? Such a blissful sounding recovery!

Thanks for sharing your views Scotty and helping me explore my ideas.

Kind Wishes, Christina 

[Starwolf]

Thanks for your kind words, Christina and also for sharing the story of the ogre on the throne. There is often great philosophical meaning in fables, myths and old stories.

I agree with Scotty, having lived close to a decade in South East Asia, I have been involved in meditation and yoga ever since. Finding one's center and learning to abide there is invaluable.  This center is usually badly knotted. A sad thing, as it is where inner power is held. Such practices help unravel this knot one strand at a time.

When times are tough, just seeing, feeling myself as the still eye at the center of the cyclone helps. Much more comfortable than trying to hang around on the outside...we all know what happens there. We get blown off, tossed about and end up confused, bruised and battered.

I believe that we are all here for a reason, with or without major emotional/mental issues to work on. There is only one and the same final destination for all of us. So let's enjoy the journey. I truly  believe it is what really matters.

Your choice of profile photo (Everlasting / paper flower ?) tells me you have enduring power...a great asset to have on this journey.

I wish you a peaceful, restful evening.