What can men do to help women feel safe?

james1 · ‎19-06-2018

Hello everyone,

I just read an interesting article and have also recently watched a controversial show which got me thinking: what can men do to help women feel safe?

I would like to think that most if not all people here want a society where women do not feel like they are at risk. The situations that come to mind for me are walking through a dark area, being at a party and wanting to have a drink, leaving a drink to go to the loo, having a stranger talk to you, being offered a lift, among countless others.

I am asking because there have been many times where I have this massive umbrella (because I lose small ones) and I want to offer to share it with someone, but then I wonder if they'll think I'm creepy and be put off by that. Or if I'm driving my car and someone is running in torrential rain, and I want to give them a lift, but that is creepy. Or if I'm walking behind a lady in a dark alley, and so I stop walking and wait until I'm not making scary footsteps behind her.

Somehow by being a guy, I feel like my presence can be a threat so I try to avoid that as much as possible. So I just want to put it out to everyone: what can men do to help women feel safer? Is there even anything we can do (aside from the obvious don't do bad things)?

Doolhof · ‎03-07-2018

Hi Everyone,

James, just found this thread, thanks for the conversation and sharing here from everyone. Firstly James, I would appreciate sharing an umbrella with you, would appreciate you opening a door for me, and I would respond with a smile and a thank you.

Just recently a guy I didn't know from Adam stopped in his car while I was out walking and asked if I knew where such and such a street was. It was too confusing for me to direct him, so I opened his passenger door, sat in his car and gave him directions to the street about a 5 minute drive away.

One night coming home from work at 11.00 p.m. a man was hitch hiking with a petrol can, I figured he had run out of petrol so I stopped, picked him up and drove him to his car. Just recently another guy in had his work van up on chocks and was hitch hiking so I drove him back to his house so he could pick up another vehicle.

Other days I am walking along the street in the middle of the day and cross the road so I don't have to walk past a couple of work men fixing the footpath! Or I don't go to a male check out person at the supermarket because he is male and I feel uncomfortable.

Hey James, I am confused by my actions at times, so I have no idea how you guys feel! Ha. Ha.

Cheers all from Dools

Doolhof · ‎03-07-2018

Me again,

I haven't really answered your question James.

I guess the thing you can do is ask.

Ask a female if she would like an escort to her car, then stand back when she arrives so she feels safe getting in.

Offer the umbrella, the lady will accept or not depending on how she feels.

Open the door and smile, at least you know you have done what you feel is right for you. I too am confused when it comes to opening doors, do I wait for the guy to do it, or open it for them, smile and follow on through after?

Each situation will be different. Just be true to your own values. Hopefully you will receive more positive feedback rather than abuse.

The lines in society are not that clear cut any more. Maybe we all just need to offer each other some respect and courtesy.

Cheers from Dools

Elizabeth CP · ‎04-07-2018

I agree with Dools. Offering to help or opening the door with a smile is great. If a women chooses to hold the door for the next person that is also fine. Perhaps what we should be aiming for to improve society is everyone treating people with respect & offering help even if it small gestures to others regardless of age or gender but paying particular attention to those who need it most. I appreciate it when people offer my husband a seat or do other things to make it easier for him. He is blind so it helps me when people watch out for him. I remember when my children were young I also appreciated people who watched out for my children. I remember being in the city at midnight on NYE. It was extremely crowded & I was hanging onto my children tightly to ensure we weren't separated. Men seeing my children were calling out to others behind then warning them that my children were present to stop people pushing into them. It was a simple thing but made me feel safer know people were watching out for my children.

HamSolo01 · ‎04-07-2018

I think a lot of it seems to stem from the importance of good manners and courtesy.

Whenever people forget about these basic things, I think there are problems.

james1 · ‎05-07-2018

Hello everyone, I will reply individually but I hope you don't mind if i reply in short. i'm quite rushed this week!

hello mitch, for many things, i don't actually do things because they are female. if i'm at the door of the lift and i feel like holding the door open for others, i just do it for everyone. if i don't feel like opening, i just go out first. I really get frustrated at work when people are all like, "you go first." "No you go first." "no after you." I've even had a guy standing in front of the door squash me against the wall to let the women -behind- him go first. Which i thought was dumb.

Hello elizabeth, thank you. i love your practical approach.

hello nat, that is not off topic at all. it's exactly what i was hoping this thread could lead to. a good discussion of what we all individually think and feel and expect.

hello mary, thanks for the input. it's always interesting to hear how we can sometimes change what we want depending on the circumstances. your story about the car crash is similar to mine actually, but in reverse. I was on my motorbike and hit another car. she got out and double triple quadruple checked and held my hands which were kind of shaking at the time. i appreciated the gesture. i don't think a guy would've done that to me.

hello dools, i have had a similar situation. there was a lady in her car and she was perhaps in her late 70s. she was very lost and i knew the area so i asked if she needed help. To get where she needed to go was going to be quite a convoluted route and I could tell she was getting more confused each time I explained it. So I offered to drive her there myself and she was fine with that. in another situation with someone different, i would've just given them instructions, but this lady seemed to be quite comfortable. funnily enough, my mum thought I was the one in danger and she had a go at me when i got home 30 mins later.

james

Jigsaw9 · ‎05-07-2018

James

I find 'breaking the ice' helps a lot. I wouldn't go up to a woman and ask her 'hey, do you wanna share my umbrella?' I would say something like 'wow this rain is torrential, we haven't had rain like this in a while!' She would surely agree as she will be wet from head to toe... THEN i will say something like 'there is room for another in my umbrella if you like'.

Once i was in an elevator with another woman and i got the vibe that she was scared. We were in a hotel at the time. I was in board shorts and had just finished from my morning swim. I told her 'Welcome to Novotel Hotel' with a really big smile! She laughed and said 'i'm actually checking out today!' to which i said 'well i hope you've enjoyed your stay with us' (pretending to be like the hotel concierge!). She said i made her day.

Sometimes a little effort goes a long way. You may say a few words and change the way somebody perceives things completely.

james1 · ‎06-07-2018

Hello jigsaw,

thanks for your input. certainly, breaking the ice can help put someone at ease. i'm glad to hear you are also mindful of how others feel 🙂

THanks!

Doolhof · ‎07-07-2018

Hi jigsaw,

Connecting and communication with a person can certainly help to make them feel more at ease.

We never know what another person has experienced to make them the person they are.

Being courteous, aware of how others may be feeling, showing respect and accept other people's actions as being a representation of who they are, not who you are is beneficial.

Cheers all from Dools

Jigsaw9 · ‎09-07-2018

Dools

"We never know what another person has experienced to make them the person they are."

I couldn't of said it better myself. Absolutely correct. Our journey of life takes us to alot of places and it is our experience that forms who we are today.

Sometimes i wonder why a large portion of children get scared of dogs and an equally large portion do not. Most of the time you will see that the ones that do, often were threatened with them by their parents. For example, a parent will say 'don't go near that dog, it will bite you'. And generally you see the ones that don't get scared, either have a dog themself or they know somebody who does. I do understand that it can work differently also. Sometimes people have a dog and their child is constantly petrified. Just wanted to give an example of experience forming character.

Doolhof · ‎10-07-2018

Hi Jigsaw and All,

That was a good analogy with dogs!

Thinking back to the reason of this post, I have just had a thought about the male psychologist I see. He sits on a chair the other side of the desk that is actually higher than the chairs he has for his clients.

I often feel quite small and intimidated in those chairs with him towering over me. (in my mind that is how it is). As a woman who was stood over by a man it can be quite concerning to feel like I am in the situation, it makes me feel powerless and vulnerable.

So guys, maybe if you notice a female is backing away, she might need a bit more personal space. It might not be about you at all, but about her own needs.

Females can be considerate of guy's needs in relation to personal space as well.

Just another thought to add here!

Cheers all from Dools