The weighing scale effect on friendships

[white knight]

Thirty years ago I was walking along Sydney Road Brunswick. It was 40 degrees. A lady with 3 kids, one a baby, had a flat tyre on her car.

I was, due to the heat, reluctant to help her but that soon passed. Before you know it the sweat was running down my back as I changed her wheel for the spare. At the end of the task she boarded the driver's seat and drove off. No thank you came.

That disgruntled feeling remained in me about that incident for 25 years until I mentioned it on afternoon radio to an announcer. He replied- "did you do it for the thankyou or did you do it to help the stranded lady out?" It was a good point, I'd never viewed it that way.

For the first time in my life I reflected about my family's attitude of "if I do this for you, you should do that for me". And furthermore I began to observe this trait in myself further and in my family members. Before long I listened to one family member say "I've rang you 4 times and you've only rang me once" and another "I gave you a birthday gift worth $80 and yours to me was only worth $20. I'd realised that this weighing scale of comparison had been in my family seemingly forever.

I had, prior to this event so many years ago, used the same argument on my friends. "I've visited you 5 times last year and you only came to my place once and then it was only to borrow a tool".

Do you have a weighing scale in your head? If so, it could be causing you a lot of unhappiness because you will never get it weighing equally. People have different lifestyles, commitments, work obligations, hobbies, friendship and family priorities and chores. It is an area we should not judge too harshly. But then again there are exceptions and that is for you to decide.

Mental illness can come with (speaking from experience) annoying thoughts that are exploded in your mind. Comparing others with your own routine, likeness for others, needs and priorities is not fair and can easily push people away. Friends under pressure to visit you when told they should might not be keen to bow to such pressure. Friendship is a fluid thing, for people to come when they feel like it. When under the cloud that follows us around we can become demanding due to disappointment of others.

Of course if the friendship is never strong it will not last. But better to have a distant friend that might one day transform to a close one than pushing them away only for them not to want to see you at all. I've done that and I regret it. Dont force conditions on friends.

[HA1]

An interesting post WK!

My first reaction was that this is an extension of the depression & sensitivity subject.

I recall getting exceedingly 'disappointed' if I don't get a thank you after performing a good deed (off subject, but is this caused by the sensitivity associated with a depressed state of mind?). I'm not sure that I would necessarily put this down to the weighing scale though. But ...

I agree that there is a natural expectation of an equal exchange (bartering of sorts) - how many times have I heard an exchange along the lines of 'we have visited their house 10 times, they have not been to our place once', and similar. Then we start judging them because of it or wondering why don't they make the effort. Dwelling on this types of weighing issues is no doubt more prevalent with us who suffer mental illness - and also more damaging.  But everyone does it.  

In my case though, oddly enough when I now think of it, I don't dwell on these types of issues.  I am a loner and always have been, no day to day friends, a few acquaintances, and don't mix socially unless with my wife.  Would be quite happy to live an large acreage in the hills and be as self sufficient as I could - no need to interact or worry about others or how they might perceive me.  I have no expectations of people and basically don't really care enough to worry about the weighing scale.  Does not mean that I am rude and impolite - come across as arrogant perhaps.  When I assist someone, be it small or big, I rather they just go way and leave me alone.  I get cringy if people make a big deal of it!  But then, that's me - and I am probably getting way off subject.\

Bottom line, I don't get hang up on weighing scales because of my social behaviour (anxiety, fear, etc) - I have a protective shield.  For example,  I now avoid emails and phones - why did they not reply to my email; did I say something wrong, don't they care, am I not important enough to them?  [Haha! Just realised that this in itself is a weighing scale.] 

But people who set out to hurt others, or those that are so self-absorbed, or lacking emotion that they don't see how they could possibly be hurtful to others - well that's another issue!! 

Apologies for getting off topic a bit.

Take care

K

[SD44]

Thank you for this post. Im new to this site but my recent and sudden bout of depression has been due to 2 factors, ongoing concerns for my daughter's mental health and a fall out with my best friend of nearly 30 years (combined with recently coming off antidepressants after many years). There has been a growing distance in our friendship over the past year or so due partly to me joining a spiritual group and finding support there (the issues with my daughter have been extreme and long standing) and my subsequent inability to keep in touch as regularly as my friend would have liked. Last week,  after having a bad reaction to a natural antidepressant, i was feeling extremely anxious and vulnerable and misinterpreted a FB message from her.  Anyway to cut a long story short, because i was upset with the message this seems to be the final straw for my friend who is now not sure she wants our friendship to continue. We have always been there for each other, through marriages, children, divorces, remarriage and even when both of our sisters died suddenly 2 years apart. She has always been like a sister to me and im grieving terribly over this loss and cant seem to stop the anxiety it has caused. Im going on a holiday with my kids this week and will try and contact   her when i return. Ive also gone back on antidepressants as im fairly sure i wouldnt have misinterpreted her message if i was feeling more stable.  Anyway i guess im just looking for any advice or hope that this situation can be resolved. Should i try and explain That my preoccupation with keeping sane over the past year has meant ive needed lots of meditation retreats, new experiences and time alone but that has caused distance between us? I thought she understood this but i guess still felt i neglected our friendship. Im also worried that i feel so incredibly anxious at living my life without her. I think this issue has reignited my shock and grief at losing my only sibling 7 years  ago and i need to be able to cope and move on if this cant be resolved. Can anyone relate to stress and depression causing friendship problems?  And how did you manage it? Thanks for reading. 

[white knight]

Hi akashagirl,

Facebook....mmm...there are several mentions and even threads on it here. I'm not such a fan. 

It isnt easy giving advice on this. Friendships are so personal. You need to weigh it up. Does the friendship need some space? Some spark?

A friend and I parted ways once. She sent me a matchbox in an envelope. It had a small drawn heart inside. I rang her and told her all was ok. We married 3 years ago.

Sometimes however friendship run their course. Sometimes for that reason a perod of time heals wounds. But dont be deterred to inform her of the mistake and that you were at fault. There is honour in honesty even if it isnt accepted.

Also those that are friends with us that have a mental illness at times get tired of the draining effect on them, the patience required and the ongoing chats that, depending on the individual can be testing.

I've driven some of my friends away.  hope you patch it up with her. You might need to take some baby steps and let her settle for a while.

[geoff]

dear Tony, another great post as per usual, but it's so true that after such a long friendship it can be destroyed within minutes over something that is so small, but it's enough to tilt the scales, and once this happens these friendships are suddenly lost.

I used to get on with all my in laws on my ex's side that there was no trouble in just dropping in to see them or go over for a bbie because we were always staying in touch, but after the divorce it suddenly ended, no contact no communication, nothing so 'I was dropped like a hot potato', so I no choice but to move on.

Akashagirl we all make statements that we regret and by the time it's said it maybe too late to seek acceptance again, or even have any chance to offer an explanation, which is sad because you have spoken about so many topics over the past, some you agree with, while other times you have a different point of view, but this hasn't stalled the friendship, the laughs together, the sad times together, but the union has always stayed strong.

Times can then change because you both have had a moment where the both of you have no explained explanation, so the two of you are feeling very low, and have left your guard down and made a comment not out of spite, but a slip of the tongue, which is something that you or the other person didn't mean anything, but it's taken that way.

We both know each other's limits and what can be said and what is not appropriate, but because our guard is down it's something that was said just out of the blue, so has ended the friendship.

You can get back on talking terms by explaining that 'I just said it out of the blue, and it wasn't something said that was said to end our friendship'.

Just approach it by showing her that you really care for her. L Geoff. x

[white knight]

Akashagiirl,

As often happens, I agree with Geoff. A slip of the tongue can be the straw that broke an already fractured back so to speak. And there migth have been other reasons for the split, seemingly hidden. Reach out. The longevity of the friendship deserves that effort, but keep your dignity.

Sorry AOK, your post slipped in there. Often happens here due to moderation times. I got a lot out of your post there.  I relate strongly to the semi hermit existence and I dont think it is arrogant or rude at all. It's a safety zone from unpredictable situations that include people.

[SD44]

Thanks guys. Just to clarify, I actually didnt say anything to hurt my friend.I just wasnt as happy to hear from her as I should have been when she called me to say happy birthday because I was feeling hurt at the time. I have since explained that to her, but the fact that she thought I was dismissive of her and that I misinterpreted her message was enough for her to think communication has become a big problem for us and we should take a break. I will contact her again soon and see if it can be rectified. Just cant believe such a long standing friendship can be lost so easily.

[HA1]

Thanks WK - gee, that took a while to get through!  Was just getting ready to retype.  I am very happy to hear that you got something out of my post.

Take care

K

[JessF]

I once was friends with a woman who used the weighing scale to the extreme: to the point of if you had shouted dinner or drinks, she'd have a mental cash register in her head to make sure she got paid back the same amount in kind. Of course, she was often the first to tell people how generous she was and how she'd "always be the first" to shout others.

Back to your original story, I think reciprocity is ingrained in us at a very base level. While I don't think you helped that lady just to get the thank you, there would have been part of you that did it for the satisfaction of having helped someone and getting a thank you back is part of that "reward". Those two simple words have a lot lying underneath them, in that case it's all part of making you feel useful and having made a difference. For her to drive off without a word, it's as if you didn't even exist so I think it's a lot more complex than it first seems.

Having said all that! you are right that if we live our lives with a weighing scales in our heads we are going to be constantly disappointed. I think if you live your life with an attitude of giving then your ledger will always be in the positive by the time you reach the end of the road, compared to if you never gave of yourself at all. Even if only one in ten people respond to your giving nature, that's still 10% more than you would have got by being a shrinking violet.