the mask

[yesse]

I wrote an earlier thread that had to do with how much i hated myself and the main question was "how can you make a deep connection with someone new when you hate yourself?"- the main answer was basically no, that you have to 'learn to love yourself'.

i hate myself because of my depression. And i feel like most of my depression and aunguish stems from me believing i was stronger then i really was and feeling that i didnt need help from anybody.

an example of this would be when i was on my way to compete in a national tournament for NSW and when i was about to leave i was told that my mother had died, i was 17 at the time. I remember being told that i could stay or i could go, and thinking that i was strong and could carry on i went. 

This is the first time i remember really wearing the mask as i did not tell anyone for a week what had happened to me and instead played with the team... I normally wear this mask all the time nowadays with my friends with people i meet, i dont think that when you see me you would think that i have chronic depression or that my self esteem is through the floor.

Basically what this thread is about is me asking for peoples opinion on this mask i talk about, is it good (because i can make connections) or is it detrimental (because it prepetuates my feelings of depression because i keep it all bottled up)? 

[White_Rose]

Dear Yesse

It a complicated question about wearing a mask.  I imagine that most, if not all, of the people who post here wear a mask on many occasions.  But so do most people in life. It's not always the smart thing to wear your heart on your sleeve, as they say.  So to interact a normally as possible is in general a good thing.

For one thing it gives you something else to think about.  Our faces and body language often give away our thoughts.  So by thinking about pleasant and different topics we present an attractive front which in turn helps us to make friends and to go about our business in a reasonable manner.

And this is important when we are depressed or anxious. It's not easy to think about good things when we feel so dreadful and there is nothing but darkness around.  I have found that smiling on the outside and dying inside is not a good combination because it makes me feel odd as though I am two people.  And it's hard to manage this.  If it is really bad then it's best to remove yourself from others for a short while so that you can regain your balance.

However there is a time to let it all hang out.  This is when you are with those who you trust, so long as this is not the only face you show.  With people who "get you" and are willing to support you it's OK to talk about your feelings and difficulties.

I get the "hate yourself" syndrome. I also have it.  Slowly I am learning that I am not as bad as I thought, that depression is not shameful.  Most of all I have found people who accept me as I am and that is the most fantastic thing ever.  I realised I have gifts and skills that are respected, which surprised me, and that I am seen as a "nice" person.  It still constantly amazes me.

It's easy to say "think positively" but certainly not easy to do. And indeed "thinking positively" is not really the way to go, but it works as a shorthand description.

My summary would be that people with depression etc should get professional help to mange their difficulties.  That friends and family who love and care for you can help when times are bad and can do wonders in terms of support. That "acting" as normally as possible in other circumstances is the safest option because those who do not understand can exacerbate your problems, which is the last thing you want.

Running out of my allocated characters.

Take care of yourself.  I will be interested in your comments and those of others.

Regards

LING

[geoff]

dear Yesse, Ling has provided you with some good intuition, and something to take on board.

Is it good to wear the mask, well pretty well all of us have had to do it, because it's a way that we try and cope in society, it maybe for work, or it maybe for having to meet new people in many different groups, like partner's family, or your spouse bosses and so the list goes on.

Do we enjoy having to wear this fake face or as you call it the mask, well talking for myself, no, not at all, because it's a false per sue, it covers up we are actually feeling, and can't wait to get home so that we can remove it.

You ask is it good 'to make new connections' when wearing it, not as far as I am concerned, because why put on a front to people that we may not really like just to appear as though we like them, but in reality their personality may cross ours so much, but we are pretending to like them.

I do admit that I can still wear the mask even now even though I have recovered from my own traumas ,and overcome this illness, why, well I maybe put into a situation that I don't feel comfortable in, and this happens either in depression or by not having it, so it still goes on, and it won't stop for anyone.

As Ling has said 'smiling on the outside and dying inside is not a good combination because it makes me feel odd', well how true this is, which then makes it detrimental to us, because when you think about it, is the life we all lead an honest one, and contrary to this is what I do know is that once you, me or anyone has been through this devastating illness we come out being a very much better person, our perspective has changed, our way of looking at life has done a full circle, we know what is good and what isn't good.

This however may contradict when I say that I still wear the mask, but I look at it this way, in depression and you are a difficult situation and wearing the mask, you suddenly feel as though 'I can't cope being here, I need to get out', rather than my thoughts which say 'this is bad being here and talking to this idiot, and why am I doing it, so good-bye', it may not appear to much different, but there is, and once you can overcome or control your depression you will have a new life, but hiccups do happen along the way but that always happens to everybody. Geoff.

[Jo3]

Hi Yesse

Yep, I get the mask because I wear one too.  Quite often I have a "happy mask" on at work or when with friends.  The only time I leave my mask at home is when I am at my doctor's because he lets me be me; he lets me sit there and cry or rant or rave without judging me. Even sometimes when in my psych sessions I have this mask on; and then at times it comes off.

It is very tiring wearing a mask; it's like being two or even more different people.

I have issues with self love and this is where I have a lot of issues.

Ling has written some good points in her post.

Take care

Jo