Dear everyone,
It has been a very long arduous road. I find it hard to remember a day in the past when I was happy, or simply joyous and content. Many unfortunate events happened in my life the past few years and sometimes I find it hard to differentiate whether the depression was caused by the tragedies or simply compounded by it. For most of my life I pride myself as being unnaturally strong. I survived a very traumatic childhood, defy all ridiculous conventions set upon me, left home as a teenager and achieved a lot of things in life including academic, athletics, world travel and was able to retire financially before I turned 40 years old. Yet the cruel irony was, with my potent survival instincts I seemed to be a hopeless judge of people and had invited too many toxic scumbags into my life. Nearly everyone I had loved, including my own parents and only sibling had betrayed my trust and faith and in my time of need no one stayed around. I broke. Really badly, many times. All this time, when all around can fail me, I can always rely on me, I had never seen me fail myself this bad. There were no safety net, no family and no friends to help. The number of times I had cried myself to oblivion, the number of days I lock myself in my beautiful house never uttering a word with anyone; the number of days not having a friend to share a meal with. I had lost count.
The words that got me through this ordeal: "The depth of darkness to which you can descend and still live is an exact measure of the height to which you can aspire to reach." (-Pliny the Elder). Every night before I sleep I was glad to survive the day. Every morning I wake I tried to do something useful whilst I'm alive. I reckon, as long as I am not dead, the reason for my existence may one day be known to me.
I found a great psychologist whom reached into the root of my problems and helped me resolve them. I started to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It is still difficult; I lapse into bad moment every once in a while. I have to keep reminding myself to be patient. I am taming the beast and rebuilding my mind. It does not happen overnight. I am kinder, gentler to myself now. I am trying very hard to trust people again.
Anyways, I kind of just wanted to say this to the void. I am looking forward to the day I am strong and whole again, because I miss that formiable person whom I hope will scale some stupendous heights one day.
