Testing family members to their limits

[white knight]

Ok, so we can indeed explain away to family and friends as to why we acted a certain way. This could be seen as a way out to justify how we treated them.

However, if this reoccurs it becomes traumatic and very frustrating. Now double that if your family member ALSO has mental illness issues.

Such is the case with my family. Bipolar, depression, anxiety and dysthymia run like a vein of iron through us all. When we are all calm its great, when one person is manic or anxious it's challenging and when two persons are unwell it's a potential recipe for disaster. Family split is not only a possibility its highly likely.

Pride takes a front row in these disputes. Inflamed thoughts also make for difficulty in keeping things in perspective.

So what are the best methods to "save" your family?

- time out. But if necessary still communicate. Short carefully written text saying you love them but you need to clear your head for a while. It really means gold.

- remember how good its been. We tend to forget how we laugh and care for each other.

-consider their (and your) mental state. Ask others if they believe you have appeared unwell lately.

- regretful comments can destroy your family. The other party is already upset, you need to withdraw and say little. Time is a better healer than accusations.

- after some time try joking. Old activities you enjoyed together does wonders.

- sow the seeds of repair. Make that extra phone call after your first make up. "I just thought I'd ring to see how you're feeling? Make suggestions like "dont take offense but you might need more sleep".

It's a delicate fine line. We not so perfect individuals are quirky, temperamental and sensitive. Therefore silence can be golden and an unexpected hug can be too. Its all in the timing and frankly given my experience in observing my own behavior and that of my mentally unwell family members, I'm a long way from getting it right.

But we plug away enjoying the fruits of 95% happiness and 5% turmoil is a work in progress not because we are stubborn by nature (which we are), not because any one person is 100% wrong (which we could be) and not because we choose to have conflict. But it is because we are dealt a bad hand of mental illness.

There is one exception to conflict being dismissable. Cruelty. If a persons actions, regardless of having mental illness or not is of a cruel nature then it would be understandable for that person to be rejected.

Respect humane boundaries.

Tony WK

[BballJ]

Hi white knight,

Another amazing post by yourself, well done.

It is amazing how we take for granted our families in trying times, we are the first to snap at them when generally they are the first to help us. I like your suggestions and I can definitely use them for when I am not coping with my mental health. I can't say my family has mental health issues running in the genes but then again I doubt many have ever really owned up and had it checked, if they have, they have never told us. End of the day, it's all about mending relationships and moving forward.

Hopefully there a people on here that find this post useful as well.

My best for you,

Jay

[blondguy]

Hi Tony

Another great thread by the master.

I here you loud and clear on your first point. With a mental illness running through the family any drama will be double in its intensity

I really like what you said about 'sowing the seeds of repair'..

TonyWK said "sow the seeds of repair. Make that extra phone call after your first
make up. "I just thought I'd ring to see how you're feeling? Make
suggestions like "dont take offense but you might need more sleep"

Thanks TonyWK

Paul

[highlysensitivepersonhsp]

Yes, treatment is key with me. My mental battles have taught me much in terms of how I want to be treated. I have suffered abuse and cruelty from family. I am now estranged from them. They are at fault for not respecting boundaries and I am at fault for allowing myself to be victimised by them. They will not have an open and respectful conversation about the behaviour. I was powerless to change things so I left the family. I am alone now.

Sandra

[white knight]

Sandra,

I too have lost half my family.

The longer I'm away from them, the more I accept it. Thats life. The cruel, the wonderful, the hurt, the flowers, the bumps, the celebrations....

I only have troubles when my thougjts about my family loss overpowers my appreciation for what I have and what I love about life.

Tony WK

[highlysensitivepersonhsp]

Thanks for your reply Tony. What a heartache is relationships. Only now do I temper my expectations. We are indeed dark and light. Sickness and health. My only salvation is my own truth. I am no saint but I have been badly treated throughout my life. What a price is paid for the lessons of life. Sandra.

[white knight]

Thanks for replying Sandra,

My thread you can google

Topic: fortress of survival- beyondblue

And

Topic: want to be a hermit- beyondblue

They cover the best approach to isolating oneself from the effects people have on us.

tony wk

[highlysensitivepersonhsp]

Hi Tony. I read your posts linked to those two threads. I agree that one does need to become a fortress, especially for those like us who are sensitive.

perhaps we differ on the how to. It's no fun being a hermit. I have very limited human contact these days. But I do practise independence. I don't let myself depend on others for my self worth, self esteem, self love, etc.

It is a mental discipline. I train my mind through awareness and self control not to seek dependency on others. You and I have contact with each other for example, but it is not a dependent relationship. Dependency is something I don't allow into my thoughts. We can exchange ideas but that is not connected to my self concepts.

You can monitor your thoughts and discipline your mind to avoid dependency. I am responsible for myself as much as possible. Of course I interact with the world but I remain conscious of being independent and keep dependency to a minimum.

sandra

[quirkywords]

what a lot to read and reflect on.

I will need more time to cogitate it all.

I am still contact with may family but some members prefer to keep me in the past by recalling things I would prefer to forget.

Quirky

[white knight]

Hi hsp and quirkywords

In1980 when I resigned my job as warder in Pentridge Jail I wondeted how to avoid contact with undesirable people like criminals.

Eventually I found a small country town 2 hours from Melbourne where, with only 200 in town, 600 including farmers, the odds are far less.

No different to limiting ones contact with people in numbers

Living in a rural/regional area means knowing everyone, learning their quirks, their behaviours, their limits etc. Its far better. But I have to admit that occasionally I involve myself with local groups and quickly get a warning sign that I shouldnt have got involved.

We are always falling in holes then clawing our way out.

Tony WK