Talking to your inner critic, can it be tamed?

[quirkywords]

Do you have an inner critic ? Have you ever tried to talk to your inner critic. This is what happened when I tried. In my Be yourself thread people asked about how I interviewed my inner critic. So here it is.

This is adapted from a writing exercise to interview your inner critic about one's writing. As my inner critic has an opinion all aspects of my life I decided to broaden the scope of the interview.

Me: I welcome (well I don't really) this opportunity to find out why you always need to have an opinion that is always negative about me and my life.

IC: I thought this was going to be a friendly interchange of ideas but there you go with your anger and hostile remarks. I do not see myself as negative but as helping you, because you do need help.

I am here to help you why can't you see that?

Me: So when I am trying to sleep and you tell me about all my mistakes, embarrassing moments, how does that help me?

IC: I thought while you are in bed you would have time to consider some of your past behaviours. This I feel will only help you to improve.

Me: If you are so helpful why do I feel so worthless, so sad, so ignorant when you are around? Do you really know how low I can feel when you are constantly telling me all my faults?

IC: You make yourself feel that way- I am merely pointing out the truth. It is not my problem that you are so weak.

Me: Maybe this was a bad idea you are never going to listen to me or understand me.

IC: Have you ever thought that maybe you shouldn't listen to me if I upset you so much.

Me How can I ignore you when you are so loud at times.

IC: See this is what I mean you are so weak. You have the power to ignore me, to silence me but all you do is whinge and complain.

Me: I am ending this interview. Enough is enough.

What would you say to your inner critic and what do you want to hear from your inner critic? Maybe you can have a go at interviewing your inner critic.

Quirky

[Ggrand]

Hi Quirky, Sad Mushroom, Quercus.

What a great idea Sad Mushroom, simple but very effective.

I really enjoyed learning about Quercus 's day today, way to go girl. Loving your fire.

Karen

[quirkywords]

Hello everyone

Karen, yes I agree Quercus continues to amaze me, I wish I had her strength. Sad mushroom is full of good advice.

My Inner critic is doubting every decision I make and trying to convince me I can't cope with my full plate at the moment so I am procrastinating and that is not helpful.

not sure I can throw a wobbly and summon my inner child and I am too tired to have an argument. Any ideas most welcome?

Quirky

[Doolhof]

Hi Everyone,

Thanks for the information regarding the different parts of our inner critic. Too much information for my brain! Ha. Ha. I don't do multiple "anythings" well these days with my cooked brain!

My psychologist tried talking about "wise" mind, "depressed" mind and other bits of my mind. My brain shut down!

How do you know if it is your inner critic and not just your depression talking? Is there a difference? What ever it is, it is starting to attack me and I don't like it very much!

I'm seeing my Dr today to update my mental health care plan, maybe that has something to do with how I am feeling!

Hey Quirky, have you come up with any ideas yet? I might sit down with pen and paper later and try to write down what I think is bugging me and how I can change how I am feeling.

Cheers all from Dools

[quirkywords]

Hello everyone

Mrs Dool once again a fascinating reply. I too get a headache for many different terms.

I know people who are not depressed who have the inner critic and vice versa so am not sure.

I have tried writing things down but then the list becomes unmanageable and gets me down when I see the length!!

I will try like you to write down maybe 3 things that worry me and see how to change my feelings. Then we can discuss how went if you like. I need to do something.

Thanks again

Quirky

[Doolhof]

Hey Quirky,

Yes, limiting your list to just 3 or 5 things might be best. Then write down the opposite of the rotten and negative stuff and see if there are ways you could change some of it to the better.

I get your point now about inner critics and depression, there can be a difference. Maybe my IC just gets carried away when the depression is worse.

I'm going to work on my writing when I get back from the Drs.

Quirky, what is the weather like in your neck of the woods? Would a walk be in order to help clear the mind? Read a book for a while, try to write a funny poem, draw a picture, do a Sudoku puzzle (my brain can't do one of those puzzles and fill me with negative thoughts at the same time) clean out a cupboard, phone a friend, do some gardening, bake a cake, yell, scream into your pillow, rip up paper, jump up and down...

Hope something helps!

Cheers from Dools

[Elizabeth CP]

Dools said My psychologist tried talking about "wise" mind, "depressed" mind and other bits of my mind. My brain shut down!
How do you know if it is your inner critic and not just your depression talking?

I think we all have an inner critic which helps us identify what we should be doing or not doing. When we are mentally healthy it acts like a wise mind or kind critic. For example you are feeling tired or unwell a wise internal voice reminds us to rest & reminds us we are not being lazy but sensible. When we are depressed stressed or anxious or have a history of abuse or other negative experiences this inner critic changes into a 'harsh critic 'where all the negative thoughts & feelings from the depression or past experiences take over. Instead of accepting that you need time to rest this voice screams out that you are lazy. When you forget something it yells out how stupid you are & tells you you'll never be able to do anything instead of saying you are human everyone forgets things at times we just need to write down important things to remember.

The way to tell the difference in my opinion is how you feel. If you feel encouraged or motivated to keep trying or to improve then the wise mind or the kind critic is speaking & with listening to.

When the voice in your head makes you feel like giving up or makes you feel even more worthless that is the harsh critic (or depressed or anxious mind) talking. That voice is a bully & we need to do whatever we can to stop listening to it.

[quirkywords]

Mrs Dool and everyone,

I go for a walk every morning in the bush.

I open my shop 7 days and I have not had a break for about 5 weeks.

So I am quite tired.

quirky

[quirkywords]

hello everyone

Elizabeth these words are so true.

When the voice in your head makes you feel like giving up or makes you feel even more worthless that is the harsh critic (or depressed or anxious mind) talking. That voice is a bully & we need to do whatever we can to stop listening to it.

Knowing what we need to do is one thing actually having a plan and implementing it , is another thing. At least knowing is the first step.

Quirky

[quirkywords]

Hello everyone reading,

People have mentioned that our inner critic is our own personal bully.

So has anyone have ideas of how to stand up to it besides ignoring it or throwing a tantrum.I have tried both.!! Especially when the bully is relentless every day and you feel exhausted by te constant put downs.

Take Care

Quirky

[Elizabeth CP]

Hi Quirky, I agree yelling at a bully just spurs them to be louder & meaner. Ignoring a bully just spurs them on to keep taunting until you give in. Neither technique work with bullies or the harsh critic.

The only way to tackle bullies is to avoid them or gather supports around you so they slink off too scared to tackle you as they are cowards. Using this analogy I think developing the 'Voice of Reason or'"kind critic"is the only effective way. You can't do this in the heat of the moment I don't think. Thinking ahead to potential problems or situations & then working out a strategy to deal with the problem & working out a clear dialogue in your mind explaining why you are doing this. This reduces the risk of being in a situation where the harsh critic can take hold & by having your reasoned response gives you words to fill your mind to counteract the harsh critic if he starts.

For example recently I've been doing some renovation leading me to be extremely tired & my house has been a mess. By deciding ahead of time that I will stick with very easy meals including take away took some pressure off. My reasoned voice reminded me this allows me to focus on what I need to do to avoid getting tireder than needed. Accepting ahead of time that regular rest were needed to remain effective was important. Similarly every time I looked at the mess I reminded myself that I needed to focus on the essential tasks once they were finished the house could be put back in order.

Obviously the harsh critic did his best to drag me down. Being tired & finding everything took longer than expected meant I was very vulnerable but without having that voice of reason reminding me what was important & why I'd made the choices I had I would never have coped.

I believe developing this 'Voice of reason'or encourager is a long term project. Maybe listening to counsellors or good friends who have our best interests at heart can help us to develop this voice.

Some time ago while speaking with my psych about some very negative feelings based on experiences from the past he asked me to write a letter from my adult self to that child I'd been providing advice & encouragement to the child. The idea was to add a voice of reason to counteract the bullying inner critic. None of this is easy. We have had years of listening to the bullies