Sunshine and Fresh Air

[OhmeOhmy]

Good Morning Everyone,

This morning as I lay in bed a battle was being fought within me, do I face the world today or do I hide away and slip down that slope into the waiting darkness. I want to live my life well, I want to feel healthy and happy, I want to feel empowered and I know that the only way that can happen is if I listen to that inner knowing, that gentle persistent whisper that urges me to connect with nature and to move my body. I got up and I went to the gym for the first time in weeks, only half an hour but I moved my body and got my blood flowing faster, sending oxygen and life to every cell in my being, reminding me how good it feels to be alive. As I drove home I knew I had to do more, that persistent knowing again. When I got home I took my jacket off even though its cold and I walked at a good pace down to the lake. I focused on the sun on my skin and the cool air, I listened to the birds and I took a minute to stop and stare out over the water. Tears came to my eyes as I felt gratitude for nature. Nature so giving in its beauty and energy, so cleansing and healing. My mood is better than it has been for several weeks now and I know without a doubt that if I want to feel better I have to listen to the inner knowing and take action. If I don't listen the knowing will get louder to get my attention, it may present as anxiety, it may start screaming at me desperate to to get my attention and guide me back to wellness.

My friends I have been feeling myself sinking back into that scary place for several weeks now, that dark, sad and lonely place that far too many of us are familiar with but today I won the battle, I listened and I took action and I think I will again tomorrow.

May sunshine and fresh air reach every one of you today and every day.

[OhmeOhmy]

Today I didn't go to work. I only got two hours sleep last night and I knew I wouldn't be able to function very well at work. I lay there for hours in bed last night and every time I would start to relax my mind would jolt me awake with some stress filled work thought. I work with people in crisis and my caseload KPI is 15 however I have 23. I work part time, 28 hrs a week in this job and I lay awake thinking of the people I didn't get to that day. I imagine all the aged care workers out there have a similar feeling after a shift.

I am trying to focus on the people I did get to and the support that has been provided. It seems we are conditioned to focus on the one thing we didn't cross off our To Do list rather than all the things we did cross off it. I'm trying to retrain my brain to focus on what has been achieved as I know it will set me up for good work the next day. When I feel down its easy to focus on the negative and when I do that it makes me dread work and look for ways to escape.

I reread this thread and I know what I need to do to feel better. I need to walk in the fresh air and sunshine. It rained all day here but I'm going to go for a walk in the morning before work if it's not raining. Today I did some cleaning at home and it feels better at home now. I have let the housework slide lately and it has only made me feel worse. I promised myself that I will chip away at what needs to be done and take action each day even if it is something small.

I'm going to post my progress here in this thread as I work to overcome this depression again. At least I know now that I can do it, it just takes some discipline and self compassion. Maybe no one will read this and that's ok because it helps me to write this. If you are reading this, I hope you are being kind to yourself. I forget to be kind to myself sometimes and it really hurts. I can be so cruel to myself and I know I deserve better so I'm going to work on that.

Blessings and sunshine to all,

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear OhmeOhmy,

Welcome back to the forums...

Im really sorry about your mother...my deepest condolences..and kindest thoughts..

I haven’t read through your thread as yet..but I wanted to call in and say hello... your thread title caught my eye...I am a believer in sunshine and fresh air...I also love walking in the rain...and jumping in puddles...even at my age..(66)...

Having only 2 hours of sleep would have been hard to function properly, it was good that you gave yourself some self care and stayed at home today...

I can relate to not really remembering any achievements we do, when we are feeling so down..,doing housework on a day after you’ve had not much sleep is awesome...you done well... There is an achievement thread here..called “Small achievement you managed to do today”..where some members are using it to write their achievements down, which can also encourage others to achieve something small each day....You’re very welcome to pop in and chat to the others there about your list, your wanting to chip through...

Please try hard lovely OhmeOhmy, to be gentle with yourself, having 23 people to see to and help is huge, you can only do what you are able to do...

Have you tried listening to sleep stories from you tube while your laying in bed trying to sleep...the stories are very gentle and they hopefully will distract your mind away from anxious or stressful thoughts...I think when we sleep with a calm mind...we sleep more peacefully...

I hope it’s okay if I read along with your progress and pop in from time to time to offer my support and care...

My kindest thoughts Dear OhmeOhmy..with my care and a gentle hug 🤗...if you like hugs....

Grandy..

[OhmeOhmy]

Thank you so much for your response Grandy, I'm happy for you to pop in and connect, it really does help.

I have tried sleep stories, I use the Calm app however last night it just didn't work for me. I will try again tonight. I feel a little better tonight because I was able to share the fact I'm struggling at the moment with my two adult children (18 and 23). I tend to try and push through and sometimes that doesn't work especially when your body is telling you to slow down.

Sending a big warm hug back your way 🙂

[OhmeOhmy]

Today I went for a walk with my two eldest children. It was such a beautiful sunny day. I still have a long way to go but I'm getting there. I connected with a new counsellor today and had an assessment done. I'm looking forward to starting the work with her as I Really want to understand why I self sabotage and why I keep fidning myself back in the same position

[smallwolf]

hello and welcome back (?)

a couple of points you made resonated with me. here's why ...

you mentioned getting a little teary with a compliment from your boss; finding out why you self sabotage.

for me, not being used to compliments and only criticism, I can easily dismiss these. But one person will sit in front of me and tell me, and there is nowhere to look and i have a similar reaction to you. Being told there are qualities I have that are good etc is foreign.

which leads me to the next point.

for me, self sabotage comes from knowing the outcome based on a certain. The self sabotage is almost on an unconscious level. The thought or feeling we have the option or be allowed to have a better life is unfathomable. Our current life of negativity is like an old pair of slippers... we are used to that. Even though deep down a new pair is probably needed. The new pair does not feel right. Foreign.

I am not saying the above applies to you. It might?

Good luck with the new counsellor and I hope it all works out for you,

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear OhmeOhmy,

Thank you so much for the big warm hug...It really means a lot to me...

Going for a walk with your 2 eldest children on a beautiful sunny day...paints a very beautiful picture in my mind...I really hope so much that you enjoyed walking and chatting to them....

I do hope your new counsellor works out for you...You sounding very eager to understand what’s happening to you...I really hope the counsellor works with you...and helps you to understand why your self sabotaging....

Sitting with you lovely OhmeOhmy....with kind thoughts and my care...and a warm hug..🤗

Grandy..,