Sunshine and Fresh Air

[OhmeOhmy]

Good Morning Everyone,

This morning as I lay in bed a battle was being fought within me, do I face the world today or do I hide away and slip down that slope into the waiting darkness. I want to live my life well, I want to feel healthy and happy, I want to feel empowered and I know that the only way that can happen is if I listen to that inner knowing, that gentle persistent whisper that urges me to connect with nature and to move my body. I got up and I went to the gym for the first time in weeks, only half an hour but I moved my body and got my blood flowing faster, sending oxygen and life to every cell in my being, reminding me how good it feels to be alive. As I drove home I knew I had to do more, that persistent knowing again. When I got home I took my jacket off even though its cold and I walked at a good pace down to the lake. I focused on the sun on my skin and the cool air, I listened to the birds and I took a minute to stop and stare out over the water. Tears came to my eyes as I felt gratitude for nature. Nature so giving in its beauty and energy, so cleansing and healing. My mood is better than it has been for several weeks now and I know without a doubt that if I want to feel better I have to listen to the inner knowing and take action. If I don't listen the knowing will get louder to get my attention, it may present as anxiety, it may start screaming at me desperate to to get my attention and guide me back to wellness.

My friends I have been feeling myself sinking back into that scary place for several weeks now, that dark, sad and lonely place that far too many of us are familiar with but today I won the battle, I listened and I took action and I think I will again tomorrow.

May sunshine and fresh air reach every one of you today and every day.

[Baz1956]

Dear Ohmeohmys, Thank you for such a beautiful post! I agree with you that sometimes we just have to push through the darkness and get out into nature. For me that means getting out for a walk even though all I want to do is hide beneath the covers. I'm blessed to have a wonderful wife who's always ready to join me for a walk.In our area there is a network of walking paths the wind through beautiful parkland. As we walk I forget my stresses and worries and get lost in the sights and sounds of the little world around me.

I often gaze at the huge Gum trees that stand so tall and strong and wonder how many seasons they've been there reaching for the sky. I muse about how they have been there longer than I have been making my way through life. It might sound silly but I reckon in a way they have just been waiting for me to walk beneath them and forget my fears and anxiety's.

Most day's we do about three k's. But at least once a week we walk a ten k circuit that takes us past a lake which is our half way mark. We stop and have a thermos of coffee and admire the water birds and just sit peacefully in each others company. It's at these times when I feel most alive. It's as if the veil of mental illness lifts and I see nature, my wife and myself in a fresh light.

I'm not sure I can put into words what walking does for my mental health, but I just know it works. Maybe it's just the act of making one step after another. And I reckon that's what the battle with depression and anxiety is like. If I try and do too much I fall on my bum. It's only when I tackle it one day at a time, that I feel like I'm winning.

[OhmeOhmy]

Thank you Baz, I loved reading your post, it really resonated with me. I understand what you are saying about the trees, I do the same thing in fact my favorite thing to do is to look at the sky through the trees. I have even hugged a few trees in my time haha I'm glad I read your post today because I am having a particularly hard day and I know I need to go for a walk but I am struggling. Your post just gave me the motivation. It always confuses me that I know that going out in the fresh air and sunshine are good for me and will make me feel better and yet some days I find it so hard to do.

I wish you and your wife a beautiful day.

Hey Paul,

Thank you for your reply, I actually wrote quite a long reply straight away which had me thinking deeply as I wrote it and when i clicked post, my computer froze and the message was lost. I was so disappointed because it took me ages to write. I shut my laptop and decided to leave it for a while.

Chow Chow sounds beautiful and I bet gives so much unconditional love. He weighs more than me lol and I'm sure he eats you out of house and home 🙂 I live with my 17 year old son who started his first year of uni this year, my 12 year daughter who started high school and my 3 year old daughter who started preschool this year. Thank you for sharing with me, I have had anxiety and depression on and off since childhood and only in the last couple of years am I recognising my triggers and managing my symptoms better. Previously I thought there was something fundamentally wrong with me, I was ashamed of myself for being weak and I was angry at myself for being unwell. I thought I was selfish and self indulgent for being depressed. I didn't understand. I do now. Today I am having a hard day. I have been going between tears and distracting myself with housework. I thought logging on here would help and as usual it does because at least I'm telling someone that today I'm struggling. I am going to try and get outside for a walk. I will post again later.

I wish you a wonderful day x

[blondguy]

Hey OhMe

What a wonderful reply. Isnt it a pain when the computer freezes and you lose a well thought out post?

Having that dark teary place isnt any fun..I feel for you on that. I remember being the same like it was yesterday. I just finished in the garden and read your post. You also have a lot happening with your daughters and son.

I am glad you have logged on . I hope you can have some peace coming OhMe...You are a great communicator who is also caring and kind.

You are not alone

Paulx

[OhmeOhmy]

This last week has been particularly difficult, so I logged on and read some old posts which has helped. I still want to hide away from the world for a while but that just isn't an option for me at the moment so I have to find the strength to push through.

[blondguy]

Hi OhmeOhmy

Its a major pain when we are feeling the way you are this week. It can be so hard to function when our brain is misbehaving itself. Your situation can be even more difficult as you are a mum (and a great one) 24 hours a day.

You must be so proud of your children...Your son starting Uni.....your daughter starting high school and your wee one starting preschool 🙂 You are really a supermum and congrats!

I hope the dark clouds part for you soon

My kind thoughts

Paul

[OhmeOhmy]

Thanks Paul,

It's frustrating feeling so sad, I feel guilty for feeling like this. I work hard to feel good and then there are times like the last few weeks when no matter what I just can't shift these feelings. It's like it's just coming at me from all angles and I have that anxious uncomfortable feeling in my belly constantly, my confidence has disappeared and I don't know what sets this all off. I am half through studying my masters and I can't help but think how will I do the work I want to do when these feelings can come back and get me like this. I'm just having a bad day today, I know things won't look so bad again one day soon. It's just the fact that no matter what I do I can't stop it from coming back.

[blondguy]

No worries OhmeOhmy 🙂

Its really nice that you have posted back. The forums are non judgemental but if I may give you a serious compliment.......You are halfway through your masters and being a super mum? You are an amazing person and I wish I had 50% of your strength....seriously

I understand the guilt you are experiencing when you feel so sad and frustrated. Your confidence is still well and alive........there are some dark clouds that are blocking your confidence and mojo at the moment. The dark clouds will part for you thus exposing the confidence that has and will always be there as you are strong.

You will feel so much better if you can have a huge vent to someone face to face. I still see my GP every 4 weeks for a 'fine tune'. You have a ton on your plate right now. Do you have anyone that you can vent to? You would know anyway but doing so is a great cleanser

Great to have you as part of the forums Ohme

My kind thoughts for you and your family 🙂

Paul

[OhmeOhmy]

Thanks Paul,

Your posts help me feel less isolated and it's good to know others understand these feelings. Thank you for your kind words about being a super Mum, made me smile for real. I rang the BB helpline Friday and talked to someone about what is going on for me at the moment. The lady on the end of the phone was so kind, she listened and I was able to tell her how things were getting on top of me. My Mum has late stage Alzheimer's and my Dad cares for her full time at home. I help out as much as I can, a few times a week to give him a rest. I am struggling with her behaviours, she talks non stop, it's like a constant stream of consciousness and some of it is so dark and horrible to hear. She hallucinates both visually and auditory. Usually I cope well but the last few weeks I feel like I am sinking. I have decided to see my GP and get a referral to see someone. I have the name of a psychologist that a friend told me is very good. So I will try to see her. I know I have lots going on in my life however this feeling I have at the moment is like a generalised feeling of anxiety and sadness and it's so familiar. It comes and goes in my life regardless of what's going on, I think that I'm just more worried than usual at the moment because I feel like there is so much on the line and I don't want to stuff things up.

Thank you for reaching out, it helps more than you know. My Mum is next to me as I type talking non stop 🙂

[OhmeOhmy]

I just read though this old thread as I’ve been struggling lately and I remembered how much this forum helped me in the past.
it felt like I was reading someone else’s words when I read mine, or like I was giving advice to my future self.
I really need to start walking again. I haven’t done it in many months and it’s impacting my ability to cope.
My last post I said that I was typing as I sat next to my Mum. She died in March last 2020 and she is not suffering anymore. I miss well her and now I’m able to grieve her. It hits out of the blue and it’s physical. I never knew grief could make your chest and throat ache.
Sunshine and fresh air, sounds like a plan.

[OhmeOhmy]

Really struggling again at the moment. Every time I’m alone I cry. I teared up in a meeting today at work because my boss said something nice to me. I feel way to emotional, almost out of my mind. I’m so tired. I’m stuck