Staying/Getting/Doing Well – Moving goalposts or fixed target?

[Paw Prints]

Hi, this is my first post, though I have been reading the forums for some weeks. I’m probably expressing myself badly when I say that I have found reading about other people’s journeys reassuring. Finding a community of people who “get it” even when they have a wide variety of experiences and lives lived is not something I thought I would ever find.

Though people talk about getting well & there is a section Staying Well, I’m curious as to what this actually means to other people and how they manage their expectations. I noticed some people refer to being well as ‘being like themselves before they got ill’, whilst others don’t express an exact aim.

My idea of being well has changed over the years. I was first diagnosed as an 8 year old child back in the late sixties. The doctors told Mum that the voices in my head & the sudden crying bouts were because I suffered from ‘nerves’ & I was given meds to calm me. Of course such things were not discussed back then & I was told not to talk about it to anyone, not my school friends nor siblings, just Mum. For decades after my idea of being well simply meant being able to hide my illness from others.

A number of events in my life caused my illness to worsen, until some years ago I became so ill I needed to be hospitalised for my own safety. This lead to my current diagnosis of Major Depression, Anxiety & PTSD. I’m no longer in that dark place, but each day is still a battle (though I can now believe in a future). For now only my siblings & one friend know about my illness, though some things they still don’t know.
So, what does ‘being well’ mean to me, it is ever moving goalposts. If you had asked me 5 years ago would I be as well as I am now I would have thought it impossible as I couldn’t envision a future. If you had asked me last week (during one of my down periods) I would have said my progress was all an illusion & I was fooling myself that things can get better.
For now my idea of being well is being able to believe that things can change for the better, that I will one day be able to manage the everyday things like housework, caring for myself & caring for my dog & maybe, just maybe I will even be able to enjoy myself.

Paw Prints
**I took the tip to give myself time to write my post by writing on a word doc & then paste it.

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws and Croix,

Croix, I have had posts go into limbo like that. If it happens on a weekend I find it can take until Monday for them to appear, but hopefully yours may turn up sooner. I hope all is going well for you kind walrus.

Paws, I hope you get some good rain tonight to fill up your containers. I'm guessing you may have had some tossing and turning in the night with some worry about the water situation. It's understandable you subsequently slept in the day. I do hope you are getting some sleep tonight and can feel refreshed tomorrow (actually today for you now with the time difference). I would definitely not hesitate to ask some neighbours to fill your water containers. Water is such a basic necessity and by far the majority of people would want to lend a hand. I hope it all goes smoothly tomorrow with your plans and you are able to tick things off your list, even if you don't tick them all off in a day. Just go at a pace that suits you and is manageable.

Yesterday at my favourite spot by the ocean I did some meditation where I drop into this state where imagery comes to me. I'm increasingly realising this is a useful altered state that taps into different more subliminal intuitive parts of my brain. It's a non-verbal language. I won't try explaining the imagery which would take too long. But basically the sense I'm getting is that my mother in her heart realised how strongly ambivalent she was about returning to visit her home city. Although it seemed like a good idea to try and make peace with the past, there was very little for her to connect with there that would feel good in terms of memories. I think what is happening to me is some part of me knows that and what I may encounter too is a lot of pain and sadness. It was a place of trauma and heartbreak for her. Coming to WA was her escape and she did find some solace here despite ongoing struggles she had. I'm realising it may make more sense for me to be in the place that was more home to her, and her "home" state was never really a home. I'm still not 100% sure, but I'm beginning to doubt I am meant to do this trip.

I don't have an appointment booked yet with the naturopath. The other day when I did the Vitamin B6 test I didn't realise I needed to fast for it. It was in the notes that came with the referral but as I was really not feeling well I just didn't take it all in. My recent liver blood tests haven't required fasting and for some reason I just didn't realise it would be necessary for B6. So I need to redo it for an accurate test and it will make more sense to see the naturopath after that. To be honest I am so over tests and everything. The supplements I currently take are a great help to me but the expense is starting to become a bit stressful. I have the new supplement that supports hormones and hadn't started it yet because I thought it may affect the B6 results, and the scientist in me wanted to know what those results are first. But possibly I should just start it in the possibility it may help me to feel better.

Thank you so much for your kindness and the suggestion of me showing you my garden. It's a garden I feel slightly odd about as I'd always dreamed that if I had my own place I'd plant a native garden to encourage native birds, insects and other wildlife. But what I've inherited here is more an English-style garden. At the moment there is one Hydrangea flower on the Hydrangea bush and some Lavender, Hibiscus and Fuchsia plants flowering. I have roses at the front in all different colours flowering at the moment. I do find, in the back garden at least, that I still get plenty of native birds. The Splendid Fairywrens were very active out there again today. I've seen some Western Spinebills lately too who enjoy the flowers, plus New Holland Honeyeaters, White-browed Scrubwrens and Yellow-rumped Thornbills. The other day I was out there when I suddenly realised a Kookaburra was sitting about 2 metres from me on the washing line, so silently I hadn't even noticed until I looked up.

I didn't see Fred today but I didn't get out for a walk. But I will keep looking for his tell-tale fin whenever I'm out.

It is warm here this evening and I can hear the ocean rolling in. Wishing you a good Sunday Paws and Croix.

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER, wave to Croix,

Croix I've usually just sent a quick email to mod support if it's been more than a day & they find it was just missed & they let it go through.

ER I think it is wonderful that by being able to access this meditative state that you were in, you seem to have found a safe way for you to work through things without becoming overwhelmed. That is a something all of us dealing with trauma look for.  I'm so pleased for you that it sounds like you managed to begin to process the emotions & thoughts that the proposed trip raised in you, even if you haven't yet got full clarity on whether to go or not.  I wish I could say whether going or not going would be best, but of course I can't.  All I can say is that whichever you decide, know that it will be the right decision for you in the here & now, that is all that matters.

I've missed the note saying to fast for blood tests too, I think everybody does at one time or another.  I do understand wanting the B6 test before starting the new supplement, (yes here comes the but) but, it isn't vital & if you start this supplement & find it helpful, you would I assume decide to continue it, so having this supplement in your system could then become part of a new base level for managing your B6 levels.

The garden at my old house had most of the plants you have (not the Hibiscus).  Though my lavender bushes didn't last due to my Great Dane (before Woofa) who discovered, when they were in flower, the joy of running up to them & doing a big belly flop right in the middle.  Lavenders are hardy shrubs & they survived the first puppy year, however they didn't do so well having a 60kg Dane land on them at speed in subsequent years.  Though they did keep trying for longer than I thought they would.

I'm surprised you have a Hydrangea, I wouldn't have thought they would flourish in the climate or soil of WA.  I had a Fuchsia, which if I'm honest, as much as I loved how it attracted bees etc, I hated trying to keep it's leggy canes in check.  I wonder if you don't want to remove any of the existing plants, have you thought about planting natives in pots & putting them in your garden that way?  By having them in pots it would make it easy take them with you when you do move.  There must be many WA natives that would do well in pots.

Like you, here I have the garden I inherited with the house & I haven't made any changes yet.  I'm on two acres, though if you add on the verge area (I have to mow it so I count it, though about a third of it is trees) it is just over three acres .  One acre is my paddock & the other acre is my house & yards (I won't call them gardens).  It is a steep block, especially the backyard, so I have to be careful mowing with the ride on mower not to tip it over.

The weather here is topsy turvy, close to 40 earlier in the week & today the wind is straight off Antarctica.  I'm not surprised there was snow in parts of the state last night, it was nippy.

I hope you spent today only doing things you enjoy, if not then that can be your goal for tomorrow.  Of course if you did then there's no law that says you can't do it tomorrow again. 😊

Hugs to you both

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws and Croix,

Thanks Paws. I find I feel protected on that rocky hill by the ocean so it can bring up whatever it is I need to see in a way that I can manage. It's like my unconscious merges with the energy of the place that holds me safely. It isn't always pleasant what comes up, though some of it was also comforting the other day. But some of the imagery was pretty weird and uncomfortable. Likewise, sometimes it's more feelings and sensations and they aren't always comfortable either, but they are moving through and coming out instead of staying stuck inside of me. I liken it to a splinter. It's kind of irritating while it's in you but you feel it most as you pull it out, then after that it's good and there is relief.

At the moment the issue relating to my mum is still working itself out. I was just on a walk by the river and towards the end I had a flashback to the exact feeling of a trip I did with her into the Perth Hills about a month before she died. I remember how tired and weak she was and she fell very much asleep for most of the car journey home. It's weird how all these feelings from the end of her life are coming back now. The family friend who is expecting a visit from me in April has left a message on my phone that I haven't listened to yet. She's probably wanting to confirm I've booked the tickets. I'm going to sleep on it tonight and contact her in the morning. But I do think the emotional painfulness, resistance and restrictions in my body are telling me not to go.

I have this image of a Great Dane imprint in the middle of a lavender bush 🤣 How delightful that he did that. I wonder if he liked the smell. He would have had a nice fragrance afterwards anyway - aromatic doggy 🤣 60kg is truly massive. On a walk about 2 years ago I met a man walking a giant female Bull Mastiff. I think he said she was 50kg. As they approached he told me she's friendly, but I was already ok with her as whenever I see a dog my heart just goes - doggy!!! 💗 I patted her and she was a gentle giant but I could feel how heavy and powerful she was as she lent against me.

Hydrangeas are quite growable here. We have our own microclimate and things will grow here that won't grow 30 minutes to the north, or at least not as well up there. The Hydrangeas don't get great care from me either. They are not in the part of the garden with retic so rely on me to water them, which I'm not good at doing super regularly. My Fuchsias also can have a habit of taking over and I have to cut them back from swamping other plants. I have thought about a few natives in pots.

That's a nice size of two acres for your block Paws. It's nice to have space around. Yes, I imagine you must need to take care with the ride on mower on a slope. Have you ever thought about some sheep or goats or miniature cattle for your paddock as pets? Today I saw something on the ABC website I thought you would like and may have seen - an article about Valais Blacknose Sheep. They really are the cutest sheep ever 😍 There is a short video of them too which I'm sure you would enjoy if your computer will run it. I really want to cuddle one.

I really hope you have had a good day, doing what you need to do, whether that's resting or working on the water issue. I hope you may have had some rain last night. The weather does sound so contrary where you are. It's been smoky here for about 3 days from a bush fire some distance away. I'm about to go and make a sandwich for dinner. After that I am going to edit some images to make them optimal for print that a nearby business is interested in purchasing to put on their wall. I've been procrastinating dealing with it a bit as I'm not sure what to charge for an image and knowing me I'll probably under charge what I should. But it's lovely that someone is interested.

I saw dolphins at the river mouth this afternoon 🐬 They were fishing. No more signs of Fred yet 🦈 Wishing you a lovely evening and day tomorrow, Paws and Croix.

Hugs,

ER

[Eagle Ray]

Hi again Croix and Paws,

Your message finally came through Croix. Yes, don’t push yourself too hard on the forum when you’re not well. You are the kindest walrus always reaching out to people, but take good care of you too.

Yes, it’s good to always check out chest pain. It’s rarely a serious heart issue but it’s good to be sure. The young doctor seems like a nice person to me, but she feels bound to conservative ideas she thinks she has to follow, even if they don’t make sense for the patient. My sense that being new to the practice she feels she can’t be seen doing anything outside standard protocols/ideas, even where it might profoundly make sense to do so. The most annoying comment was that the naturopath is not evidence-based, when he is the most thorough and evidenced based practitioner I’ve worked with and will only make decisions on clinical testing supported by clinical studies. I previously offered to supply another GP there with the detailed results of microbiome tests and he just dismissed it, saying “I wouldn’t know how to read it”. I felt like saying “I’m not a doctor but I can read and understand the results”. So it’s pretty clear the regular medical practice cannot help me.

My call to Lifeline was when my hormones were crashing. For some women at this age, severe mental health symptoms happen as hormones plummet. I can drop into a state of despair very rapidly. It’s strange knowing the cause but not being able to do a thing to prevent it or improve it other than wait for hormones to shift again. Each time I have to endure through and remind myself things improved before so they will again. At the moment hormone levels are slightly up again so my despair is milder and just sitting there in the background. 

I found the Flanders and Swann Elephant song 😂 Thank you, I will add it to my repertoire. One of my favourite pieces of music relating to elephants is The Baby Elephant Walk by Henry Mancini. I remember telling a friend of mine with a similar sense of humour that if I get married I want to have The Baby Elephant Walk playing as I walk down the aisle, simply because it would be so funny, absurd and make everyone smile 😂 It just makes me crack up laughing every time I hear it.

Take care good walrus and you too kind Paws. I do hope things are going ok on the water front. Sending elephant-sized hugs to you both 🤗🐘

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER & Croix,

Oh my dear Walrus, all those hospital stays are not good my lad.  I hope they can sort things out for you soonest & you can get back to the important things like waiting on Sumo Cat 😺.  A special get well hug for you & a gentle hug for Mrs C (if she is ok with one)

ER I would expect the issues surrounding your Mum & your life in general will take quite some time to work through, I have a feeling that you have kept so much inside & perhaps even cut off from yourself over the years.  Lass the good part of all this (& yes there can be a good part) is that you are finding a way that works for you to process everything, so you can move on.  I like the splinter analogy.

This proposed trip has stirred up a lot of emotions for you, so only you can decide if now is the right time to do it or not.  I'm so pleased for you that you are thinking about this as in "what is best for you", rather than simply trying to please someone else.  That is a big deal for those of us who were never able to put our own needs first growing up.

My trip to big town was put off as I've lost my glasses.  I don't know, maybe I unconsciously hid them, but I sure as hell can't find them.  The thing is there aren't many places they could be, but nope not there.  I can't find my spare set either & have dug out my old ones for now.  Grrrr....  On a more positive note, I have finally put the battery for the brush cutter on charge, found the secateurs for the blackberry canes & a box to put the chopped up canes in so I don't hurt myself on the thorns.  I've pulled out my gardening clothes, including my steel capped boots, & my safety gear all ready to put on tomorrow morning.  After spending hours trying to find my glasses, I decided life was trying to tell me to deal the main issue first & worry about getting water after. 

I did see the article on the Valais Blacknose Sheep, they are gorgeous.  I originally did think of having some miniature cows in my paddock when I first moved here.  The more I looked into it the more impractical it seemed to keep any livestock.  There are biosecurity & livestock regulations to meet. An acre by itself really isn't enough to keep healthy cattle, goats would require more escape proof fencing & sheep need shearing (plus they're dumb & like to get stuck in stupid places).  Then there are the costs, from health care, to feed bills & everything else.  Plus there is no water supply in the paddock, a costly item to rectify.  All of which, being on the DSP, worked out to be more than I can realistically afford.  Honestly I don't think I'm up to the physical work needed either, hay bales aren't light for one thing.  When my neighbour put his cows in my paddock it was only ever with the gate open to his paddock so they could access water & they were never there for more than a few days at a time.

Lass I had the thought that with not being sure what to charge for your print, perhaps google prints for sale & see what others charge as a guide. 

The smoky air where you are is concerning, I hope the fire is far enough away it won't reach where you are.  Do be careful if you are out in it as the last thing you need is for it to trigger a respiratory reaction.

The Baby Elephant Walk is the best. 🐘🐘🐘  I have an old record of Mancini's music by the London Philharmonic Orchestra & love most of his work.

Big hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws & Croix,

Paws, losing one's glasses is a terrible frustration. But, as you say, maybe it's a case of sorting out the brush cutting etc first. Yet I still worry about you not having water. I hope the glasses materialise very soon. Are the older ones usable for driving? Even just getting yourself to the nearest petrol station would mean being able to get some water from the tap. And usually they would have some on sale too if you want to buy it bottled. It sounds like you are well organised for tomorrow. Yes, take care with spiky blackberry canes. You will have a sense of satisfaction anyway when it's done.

Yes, I think my desire for you to have Valais Blacknose Sheep is not actually practical 😂 There are various costs and practicalities to consider. My idealistic brain often doesn't think of those things. Like me so convinced from a young age I would end up running a self-sufficient property growing all my own food. Working in a market garden taught me how physically demanding it actually is! It would be nice to hang out with some Valais Blacknose Sheep anyway. I imagine they would be a delightful addition to one of those petting zoos. I used to work for a community service and there was a festival one day which included a petting zoo just outside. One of our customers who was always very quiet and aged about in his 30s or early 40s spent the whole day just sitting in there with the animals holding and petting them. We think he had some past trauma and my guess is he may have been a refugee. It was so lovely that that provided comfort for him. I think us adults need animal cuddle and interaction time just as kiddies do.

With my mum, I'm realising I am feeling her trauma in my body - essentially her doubt and extreme ambivalence about going back to visit her home city and the fact there were all these traumatic memories for her. I think she came to the realisation that the traumatic memories far outweighed any positive childhood experiences. I know from what she told me that her mother would bring everything down. If they went on a family walk on a Sunday, the only day her dad didn't work, her mum would refuse to participate and just sit in the car. My mum would have had this heavy weight of depression in the atmosphere at all times. My nanna did try ETC at one stage to no avail. The worst things though were her random physical and verbal attacks on my mum, hence my mum had an extreme startle response as an adult, plus the emotional bullying. It just seems like a pit of misery to me now and I can understand my mum wanting to make peace with her childhood but wondering what on earth she had to connect with if she went there. I think I'm feeling that dread that she felt, even though in theory it seems like a lovely idea to try to make peace with her past and put things to rest.

I have sorted the payment with the client. I charged slightly under the fee that exists with the agency as I preferred them to buy direct from me as I get 100% rather than a commission. I also optimised the image better for print yesterday. They are lovely people and the fellow I'm dealing with is very keen to get into photography himself. So I've been answering lots of questions about cameras and lenses for him. I feel little by little I'm finally connecting with people in community here.

The air is still very smoky here but the fire is a long way off. It's definitely safe here.

Yes, Henry Mancini wrote some great music. Moon River is another that comes to mind.

Take care and big hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

It must be tough at times for you, having an idealistic brain to work with.  I'm wondering if perhaps your mother & grandmother also had idealistic brains & the fact that reality never matched what they thought it should be, exacerbated the mental health problems they experienced.  Back then, even as recently as your mum's lifetime, there weren't the public discussions or knowledge about mental health which may have helped them to understand their thought processes.  I definitely don't have an idealistic brain & so I honestly can't imagine what it must be like having one, though I'm sure many of the positive changes that have occurred throughout history were probably brought about by people with idealistic thought processes.  Being able to imagine a change for the better is a vital first step in making that change.  Society does need the dreamers amongst us.

Have you decided whether you will be going to stay at your family friend's place or not?  

You are right, we adults need petting zoos far more than children do. Oh how lovely that the man was allowed to stay petting the animals for the whole day, all too often the people running these things have to put time limits on each person so that everyone gets a turn & each animal gets a break.   

Well I found my glasses, they were in my car.  I had forgotten that I had reset the clock when I last got home & had taken them off to read the displays. So when I went to get milk today there they were waiting for me.  In more good news... I made a start with clearing the blackberries (so so many more than it looked like there was), however a two hour chat with a friend who rang me did bring that to a stop & I subsequently lost my oomph.  I'm sure it will be easier tomorrow now I have got past that dreadful roadblock which is starting.  Plus I always find it easier to do things in the morning rather than the afternoon.  So fingers crossed it will be all done tomorrow.  Getting water from a service station isn't really practical as the nearest ones are in Big Town, plus I don't have any large containers I could fill. 

That is great news that you have sold your print.  What a bonus him being interested in photography itself, it must be nice to have someone to talk to who shares your interest.  

Hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws,

My nanna definitely did not have an idealistic brain. I am actually the total opposite of her. I remember when I was about 10 she was staying with us, which was always a morose time where her energy would cast a dark cloud over our family. We went to visit an elderly relative who was a fourth cousin to my nanna. This relative was in her 90s at the time and was a very positive person. She lived in high rise apartments, still independently. She actually lived to 103. On this visit my nanna made comments to her that she couldn't understand her positivity at that age. I remember as we were coming back down in the lift I said, almost defiantly, I'm going to live to be 100! I know that was me actively contesting my nanna's heavy, depressive energy. So I've had this idealistic drive, even when surrounded by the heaviest, darkest energy, and perhaps all the more so because of that energy.

My mum was a little different from her mum. She actually did have idealism in there. But she would dissociatively split at times and become like her mother. She actually had lots of dreams and hopes that she was still trying to follow in the latter part of her life. What breaks my heart is knowing that the darkness that imprinted on her broke her spirit in the end, though that spirit is now free. I think my nanna had become cynical early on and took out the hate and resentment that grew from that onto my mum. Hence if my mum showed any signs of joy or happiness she had to crush it. When my mum split, she would do the same to me when she saw signs of joy or happiness in me.

For me, idealism is what has kept me going. It is my natural spirit and actually I can feel it is resurgent at the moment after several horrendous years. It is not perfectionism for me but the feeling that good things can happen. My dad, too, despite all his trauma actually had an idealistic spirit. However, like my mum, his past trauma wasn't addressed and he could also split. He'd read a book called "I'm Alive, I'm Well and I Feel Great" which was a sort of motivational marketing book. He would go around quoting that when I was a young kid but then have a rage meltdown the next day. So that to me was toxic positivity. I am very aware of the pitfalls of toxic positivity and I'm quite averse to it now, but I'm still idealistic. Dad also largely lost his spirit towards the end, but I know that's all the more reason I am ensuring my spirit stays alive. I'm breaking the trauma pattern. I'm very grateful for my psychologist actually because I feel she is aligned in spirit, as are other people I have in my life now. I've become more grounded in myself too so that is a healthy counterbalance to being overly idealistic, so I am more integrated now. The idealism will always be part of me.

I have contacted the family friend and advised I won't be visiting. I could feel it just wasn't right. Speaking of my spirit, I could feel it was against what my heart and spirit need right now. It may be that at a later time I am able to do a trip there, but my body and inner being had all this dissonance which was telling me no, don't go. And, as usual, I feel a lot better for listening to that intuition. I've lifted considerably by making that decision. 

I'm really glad you've found your glasses. It can be so frustrating knowing they are around but not being able to find them. Yes, I think that getting started with anything is often the hardest part. Once you are over that hurdle it becomes easier. It's great you had a long chat with your friend today anyway. All the best with it tomorrow and hopefully soon you will be able to diagnose the source of the problem.

The fellow in the petting zoo was just allowed to stay there as children came in and out. It's like they just got it was helping him. I felt very kindly towards him as one of our customers. It was very hard for him to speak at all when he came to ask for something. I would be so gentle with him because he was so very gentle.

May you sleep well tonight and have a good day tomorrow Paws.

Hugs,

ER