Staying/Getting/Doing Well – Moving goalposts or fixed target?

[Paw Prints]

Hi, this is my first post, though I have been reading the forums for some weeks. I’m probably expressing myself badly when I say that I have found reading about other people’s journeys reassuring. Finding a community of people who “get it” even when they have a wide variety of experiences and lives lived is not something I thought I would ever find.

Though people talk about getting well & there is a section Staying Well, I’m curious as to what this actually means to other people and how they manage their expectations. I noticed some people refer to being well as ‘being like themselves before they got ill’, whilst others don’t express an exact aim.

My idea of being well has changed over the years. I was first diagnosed as an 8 year old child back in the late sixties. The doctors told Mum that the voices in my head & the sudden crying bouts were because I suffered from ‘nerves’ & I was given meds to calm me. Of course such things were not discussed back then & I was told not to talk about it to anyone, not my school friends nor siblings, just Mum. For decades after my idea of being well simply meant being able to hide my illness from others.

A number of events in my life caused my illness to worsen, until some years ago I became so ill I needed to be hospitalised for my own safety. This lead to my current diagnosis of Major Depression, Anxiety & PTSD. I’m no longer in that dark place, but each day is still a battle (though I can now believe in a future). For now only my siblings & one friend know about my illness, though some things they still don’t know.
So, what does ‘being well’ mean to me, it is ever moving goalposts. If you had asked me 5 years ago would I be as well as I am now I would have thought it impossible as I couldn’t envision a future. If you had asked me last week (during one of my down periods) I would have said my progress was all an illusion & I was fooling myself that things can get better.
For now my idea of being well is being able to believe that things can change for the better, that I will one day be able to manage the everyday things like housework, caring for myself & caring for my dog & maybe, just maybe I will even be able to enjoy myself.

Paw Prints
**I took the tip to give myself time to write my post by writing on a word doc & then paste it.

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

I love that you see Emus about.  What a juxtaposition Emus with Highland Cows... they usually live in such very different climates to each other.  I wonder if the emus were just passing through the paddock or whether both were comfortable sharing space for a time.  The kangaroos here tend to avoid paddocks that have cattle in them, I don't know who dislikes who.  Yes Highland Cows are cute aren't they & their calves are little fluffy bundles of gorgeousness.

I did watch most of the first series of muster dogs (when I remembered it was on), mostly because my Grandpa & some of my Uncles ran sheep & had Border Collies for mustering duties.  I loved watching the dogs work & clearly remember one of my Uncle's dogs who would only need to be told to "bring up" & the dog would round up & bring the whole flock in without any added whistles or calls.  Watching them cut the sheep out I knew the dogs were smarter than me... 😖🤣 I could never learn all the different whistles needed.  It was interesting with muster dogs the different training methods used & the different personalities of the pups.   

I wouldn't write off getting a dog if you do move to a single bed apartment.  Many dogs do fine as apartment dogs (even Great Danes).  Overseas keeping dogs in apartments is very common because that is the housing available.  The one issue could be if it were a strata complex is that they wouldn't allow a dog.  I don't know if they are common in WA, but in Vic there are lots of single bedroom units that have a little courtyard/grass area & sit on their own land, so no worry about strata rules.  

I will keep everything crossed that you have cool weather for your trip to Perth.  Will you stay with your friend or book somewhere?  Having a biopsy is a good idea, even benign tumours come in different types & it would be beneficial to know what type it is.

Well I'll be off to bed soon as from today I'm determined to no longer stay up late or most of the night.  My intension is that I will now go to bed by 9:30 - 10pm so I can get up at a reasonable hour & actually do things.  I don't know why, but I find the earlier in the day the more I manage to get things done.  

I hope you had a good day & are feeling brighter

Hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws,

Yes, that’s so true that emus and highland cows are from such vastly different environments. I hadn’t stopped to think just how unusual it is. The emus seemed to be grazing in the paddock along with the cows. You see emus in paddocks a lot around here. For some reason the cows and kangaroos co-exist in paddocks too and don’t seem to mind one another.

That would have been wonderful watching your Grandpa and Uncle’s dogs on mustering duties. They really are remarkable aren’t they. They take so much stress out of the process for farmers and are such reliable workers and companions. I watched Muster Dogs last night and it is a sort of follow up of people from earlier series and how they are going with their dogs.

A unit with a courtyard would be great. I’m noticing looking at real estate on the internet they do cost more than an apartment in a bigger complex without a courtyard. Even compared to 3-4 years now, real estate prices have skyrocketed. It’s all very uncertain at the moment and I am focusing on one step at a time. I’m in a strata complex now that has recently allowed pets, providing they’re not a disturbance. Several people had unofficial pets already (dogs and cats) which no one minded about anyway.

Yes, hoping it won’t be too hot in Perth. I’m staying near where I’ll have the biopsy which is the other side of the city from my friends. It seemed to make sense to stay there and it’s also very close to my old mechanic where I’m getting my car serviced. But I will still try and catch up with friends while there.

I’m sitting on a bench at the moment in lovely forest by a river in a neighbouring town. I have days I just have to get out of my town. I will do grocery shopping here also. I’m feeling very tender today in relation to some distant grief from late teenage years, but it’s in a good way. I see my psych tomorrow and it looks like that might come up again tomorrow along with other things I planned to talk about. It’s a loss that was extremely powerful and I had no support for at the time, so it’s sort of sat there frozen in me for decades. But there is movement with that grief now which is a good thing. The tenderness is the healing.

I hope you had a good sleep last night and woke refreshed this morning. I too generally do better with earlier nights and earlier mornings. I just have to share that the light is so beautiful here, filtering through the canopy. There is a beautiful, gentle breeze. The river is still flowing though levels are falling. I’ve been looking out for marron (freshwater crayfish) which you can sometimes see in the river, but haven’t seen any today.

May you have a lovely evening Paws and day tomorrow too.

Warm hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

Where you were sitting in the forest sounds lovely & peaceful.  It must have been very hard for you not getting the support you needed at the time & feeling that you weren't able to express your grief, but instead had to bury it inside.  It is healing being able to finally acknowledge grief & it's good you now feel able to do so. I'm glad for you that you have your psych there to both witness & support you at this time.  I'm happy to listen if you feel you want to talk about it here.

As you probably noticed it is now later my new target of being in bed by 10pm.  I fell asleep fairly quickly last night & thought it would mean me getting up at a reasonable time at least.  Nope, I slept all night & most of the day & didn't get up until close on 6pm today.  There is no point going to bed yet as I will just be awake & tossing.  I'm really annoyed & disappointed with myself.  Actually I'm annoyed, frustrated & disappointed with myself about a lot of things at the moment.  

I don't know what the issue is between the cattle & kangaroos here, but I've only ever seen the roos in the surrounding paddocks when they are free of cattle.  I'm now thoroughly convinced my neighbours have gone as the penny has dropped that I haven't heard their dogs for quite some time & they were always barking especially at night.  Just now I've realised I haven't heard the dogs from the farm to the south of me for some time either, I wonder if that one has been sold off too.  I find it sad every time I drive along my road at the moment that so many of these dairy farms aren't being farmed & that there are now so many houses left vacant.  

Hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello dear Paws,

Try not to be annoyed with yourself. I feel like to sleep for so long there has to be an underlying physiological factor. I’m having to often sleep in the day at the moment even when I’ve slept at night. It’s totally involuntary and my body just goes down. It could be my liver condition which can cause fatigue and daytime sleepiness. Other health issues that have left me weak and exhausted could be a factor too. When the brain and body have gotten into a particular pattern, and things like immune, endocrine and autonomic function are out of whack, our bodies can just make decisions to do things to try to restore some balance. I feel like there are explanations and solutions and it can just take some time figuring out what helps the situation. I have gradually had to accept I can do less than I want to do which has been frustrating. But I’m also learning to let go of trying to control things, and I think conversely that helps as my body feels less overwhelmed and it is kind of freeing. It’s like I start to recover more when I let go. Not sure if that helps 🤔

That does sound a bit sad that your neighbours and nearby farms appear to have been vacated. I wonder if it’s linked to a downturn in the dairy industry. I’m in a beef and dairy farming area here. I haven’t noticed significant changes but I’m also in town so I may not be aware of any that may have occurred. I do think the farming landscape is going to progressively change in the future. Some of that will be linked to climate change. But also perhaps even dietary changes. I discovered in 2022 I’m strongly allergic to beef and very strongly allergic to dairy, so I’m no longer supporting those industries for health reasons. But a lot of people are dairy free now and beef consumption is possibly becoming less too. Perhaps some other kinds of farmers will take over the land near you and start some new types of farming or horticulture.

Yesterday when driving home I saw more emus. There were about 10 in a paddock on the left. Then a couple of minutes later I saw an adult emu in a paddock on the right with two little chicks in tow. Sooo cute 🥰 I’m guessing he was a male as I think it’s the father who usually raises the chicks.

 I had a good session with my psychologist today. I only got to briefly touch on the grief issue that’s coming up for me as I was dealing with the primary issue I intended to talk about. I won’t try and explain the grief issue, at least at the moment. It’s a bit hard. But I do feel with each session with my psych it is productive and I come out of it with a clearer perspective and some ideas for going forward. We are very much on the same page which helps a great deal. 

Well getting up the energy for a walk. There’s smoke around so there must be a bushfire or burning off somewhere. Last night there was smoke around too and it made the moon look an impressive fiery red. The galahs are quite noisy outside as they often are this time of day.

I hope you are having a good evening and that maybe your sleep patterns follow as you would like them to tonight and tomorrow. But take it easy and don’t feel pressure either. Rest well. Sending warm hugs your way 🤗

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

Ohhh emu chicks are so sweet... lucky you seeing them with their dad.

Today would have been my late sister's birthday... I think that has played a part in my staying in bed this week.  I'm not giving up on getting myself into a healthy sleeping routine, but I think I need to accept that this week it will be difficult.

According to the local grapevine all the empty farms have been bought out by a WA company who are planning to turn them into pulp paper timber plantations. This is raising a lot of opposition from the rest of the farming community, due to the negative impacts it would have on water supplies etc, plus the reduction of people in the community & the issues that would cause.  I must admit I don't like the idea either, as I can't see any benefit for the people who live here.  

I read on the ABC news site that Perth is entering into a heatwave with temps in the 40s over the coming days.  I do hope it doesn't get too hot where you are.  I can't begin to imagine having temps that high in December.  I suppose a silver lining is that heatwaves usually don't last very long, so at least there should be much cooler weather when you go to Perth next week.  

You seeing smoke  in the air near you has me concerned.  Do you have the emergency app on your phone to notify you of fires or other incidents in your area?  Even if you are in the centre of your town it would still be safer to stay on top of what is happening around you.  Yes I'm a worrier when it comes to people I care about.

I'm so pleased that you found the session with your psych helpful even though it didn't fully deal with your grief.  

I'm hoping to go back to big town either tomorrow or Friday as I didn't get to the Telstra shop after my recent GP appointment as planned.  If it goes smoothly then I hope to run a couple of other errands whilst I'm there.  Fingers crossed.

I'm thinking we had better get the Tasmanian ferry to start it's voyage from Scotland or it will be too late for the xmas spectacular.  Especially as it has to make a few stops on the way to pick up party guests.  I understand after much debate on board an Albatross is navigating the ship, so at least we can be sure it will get to where it is meant to.  I hear that the Ostriches have been saving their discarded wing feathers to make each of the hippos a Tuttu. These are all packed & everyone is ready, just waiting for the ship to reach them.  

Hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws,

That is very understandable being affected by your late sister’s birthday this week. I think it’s really ok to just do what you need to do and being really gentle with yourself is so important. I’m learning myself to be tender with grief, to just allow it with gentleness. Our bodies know what we need and I feel it’s important to listen to the body and follow intuitively what it needs. Warm hugs to you at this tender time.

I’ve just listened to my body which has really wanted coffee for the last hour. It’s after 11pm here and I’d not normally drink coffee at this time. But I have slight migraine symptoms which coffee often knocks on the head and my whole body right now is telling me coffee will make me feel more restful. It’s interesting as many people with adhd report that coffee makes them sleepy. Much advice will say avoid caffeine if you have adhd, yet so many with adhd say it helps them feel calmer and better. I’ve suspected I’ve got some level of adhd for a long time and it was part of what I was discussing with my psych yesterday. I’m trying to be in tune with myself and I eventually succumbed to what my body was saying - drink coffee.

I understand the concerns about the farms being replaced with tree plantations. I always find tree plantations a bit strange because they are a monoculture rather than an ecosystem, but also because as you say the land is no longer peopled as it is with a farm. I too can’t see any benefits for those who live in the area, only the company that owns the plantations getting benefit. It would be great if some kind of mixed use law was in place that limited the extent of plantations and kept other land uses going.

Yes, 40 today in Perth. It was pleasant here though with a forecast of 25 which is what it felt it was. It really is a different climate. Unfortunately the day I’m due to arrive in Perth 36 is forecast at the moment. I’m planning to break up the journey again so I may be able to get there earlier with a shorter drive before it’s too hot.

Thank you kindly for your concern re: fires. I don’t have an emergency app on my phone but I do check the Emergency WA website. I expect there is an app though and should check it out. I can see on the online fire map there’s a prescribed burn to the east so that’s almost certainly the cause in this case.

I hope you have a good trip to big town if you make it either tomorrow or Friday. I hope it all goes smoothly and you can complete the errands you want to.

I think we can be most confident with an albatross navigating the ferry. I agree, it will be good for the ferry to be underway. How fabulous to have tutus made from ostrich feathers. The hippos will look so cute 🥰 They have been Skyping with Effie who will also be in her tutu as they are planning a combined dance spectacular and working out their moves. The main challenge will be sidestepping to avoid fallen kiwis snoozing on the ice. I think this will be something like Woodstock or the Glastonbury Festival. A very wild time for all. Oh what fun Croix has to look forward to upon return from his fishing trip.

I hope you are sleeping well Paws. May you have good days to come.

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

I hope the forecast of 36 for Perth turns out to be wrong & it is a lot cooler for you.  I like your idea of breaking the journey by staying somewhere so that you travel in the cooler morning period.  

Everyone is different & I'm sure that applies to people with adhd.  They aren't one homogenous group who all experience things exactly the same.  I think it quite reasonable that some find having coffee relaxing & others don't.  If you are listening to your body & find having the coffee helpful I see no reason to avoid it.  I hope that through working with your psych on this you find things that help & work for you.

I was fogged in until nearly lunch time today, so no driving anywhere. It will be very warm tomorrow & then heating up from Saturday with the temp jumping into the 30s until Tuesday when it will hopefully cool down.  As tomorrow also forecasts fog I think I will now wait until the cooler weather on Tuesday to go into big town. 

Did you see the finalists of this years comedy wildlife photography on the ABC news website?  I don't think they are as good as last years & I'm surprised the squirrel one won first prize.  I think out of them all I would have picked the leopard photo, with the smiling frog 2nd.

We don't want snoozing kiwis causing issues with the dance spectacular, nor do we want them sliding off due to the tipping of the iceberg that may occur during some performances.  We definitely don't want them being squished under Effy's or the hippo's twinkle toes.  Clearly the solution is to simply sweep them into a large pile inside the Walrus' igloo.  He won't be using it, as I'm sure he will be sitting outside enchanted by both the decorations & all the marvellous entertainment.  Who can we trust to do the sweeping though?  We want them safe in the igloo, not simply swept over the side. 

Hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws,

My late night coffee worked! It removed migraine symptoms, I was asleep within minutes, had a very restful sleep and woke refreshed. Had I not had it I expect my sleep would have been troubled and I would have woken with a migraine. Sometimes it can keep me awake but not when my dopamine is low, which I can feel. I’ve read that in adhd it’s bringing dopamine up to baseline because of the significant dopamine deficit in adhd, whereas for non-adhd people it’s more stimulating rather than restorative. My dad got huge benefits from caffeine too with Parkinson’s where a lack of dopamine is a core issue. I’m learning more and more to trust my own instincts and listen to what my body is telling me. I definitely don’t have a neurotypical brain in a lot of ways.

For example, I have a degree of face blindness, also called prosopagnosia. Yesterday morning I had a strata meeting. One of the people there I’ve seen at every other strata meeting. But I did not realise she is the same woman I’ve chatted to multiple times by the river who has a little dog, until she pointed it out to me. It’s quite embarrassing and similar things have happened numerous times before. But I’m learning to accept my brain processes things differently to many others including having difficulty visually processing faces. It could be linked to a lack of parental attunement from birth as I just didn’t have normal, healthy interactions and co-regulation with my parents. Or it could be what I’ve suspected for a long time that I’m also on the autism spectrum, as while not exclusive to autism it’s more common. Or both? A woman with autism I did some counselling sessions with in 2016 was also face blind and did these interesting artworks of people without faces. It sounds spooky but it wasn’t at all. They were very beautiful artworks.

That sounds wise to not drive in the fog and also wait for cooler weather. I remember you mentioning having fogs there before that last much of the day. There are some lovely morning fogs here but they usually start to clear a little after sunrise. I love fogs.

I just had a look at the comedy wildlife awards on the ABC website. I find it very hard to pick a favourite but I agree that the leopard and smiling frog are very good. I know the Andy Rouse one because I have a book of his wildlife photos I bought in 2010 and it has that one of the 3 penguins in it. He was the first wildlife photographer I learned about and became interested in. Another favourite is Estonian wildlife photographer Sven Zacek. He has beautiful images of his speciality, Ural Owls, and many other creatures, plus some beautiful landscapes. You can see his images on his website.

I have sourced a solution re: piling kiwis into Croix’s igloo. The mysterious being known variously as Yeti, Big Foot and the Abominable Snowman has offered to do the sweeping of kiwis. He is big and strong so it won’t be difficult. He will work throughout the night collecting kiwis and piling them high in the igloo. He is very much looking forward to the celebrations and when I offered payment with a few penguins he said no, it was payment enough just to get to be a part of the Christmas extravaganza. What a gentleman. So I think we are all set for a fantastic evening that should go off without a hitch 🤞

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

I'm so glad for you that the migraine didn't eventuate.  That is interesting about coffee & dopamine levels, I didn't know that.  I knew that caffeine can alleviate headaches for some people, but I thought that was because of it's affect on the blood vessels.  

I have sometimes run into someone who knows me & starts chatting, & while they look familiar, I struggle to remember where I know them from & more often than not their name.  I find that difficult enough, having prosopagnosia must make remembering people for you so much harder still.  I'm glad you are learning to accept how your brain works, it has taken me many years to accept my memory issues & to not always be embarrassed by them, but rather simply acknowledge I'm doing the best I can.

I looked at the web pages of both the photographers you mentioned, I love tigers so was quite taken with Andy's current pics, but Sven's were just gorgeous.  I'm definitely going to browse more of Sven's photos this evening.

I love your solution to the snoozing kiwi problem.  My kiwis have been tying together empty kegs to build a raft to take them & the full kegs to the iceberg.  They have teed up a friendly hump back whale to tow them & plan to set off this weekend whilst the weather is calm.  I understand they want to get the brewery set up & working on a neighbouring iceberg to Croix's.  My kiwis have assured me that they don't need to take any of the decorations as your kiwis are bringing the lot.  I think we need to confirm this with your kiwis before mine set sail, I have a sneaking suspicion mine just want more room for drinks.  With only 12 days to xmas we don't have much time left, reports from the ship have it currently off Africa picking up the hippos, ostriches etc.

hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws,

For a long time I also understood caffeine to help migraines because of its effects on blood vessels and I think that was the common medical understanding. But apparently now migraines are thought to be less due to blood vessel activity and more to do with electrical activity spreading across outer portions of the brain. This leads to inflammation and overreactive nerve cells. Caffeine apparently blocks adenosine receptors. The reduced adenosine, a chemical which promotes sleep and relaxation, leads to neuronal excitability and the release of dopamine. But as I understand in someone where dopamine is chronically low (e.g. adhd) it is more like coming up to baseline levels and this is perhaps why it creates positive feelings without necessarily preventing sleep for some people. I also have fibromyalgia which is characterised by the inactivity of dopamine in response to pain stimuli as shown on neuroimaging studies, so I know I have issues with dopamine. In someone without fibromyalgia the brain releases dopamine to fight pain. In people with fibromyalgia it’s inactive and this appears linked to autonomic state, the vagus nerve (vagal brake not activating) and the dopamine receptors not getting activated. I also have the adhd pattern of low motivation states which are not attitudinal but physiological. This exists in a pendulum swing with intense hyperfocus states where I can spend hours on a singular task that absorbs me (e.g. photo editing). This hyperfocus is often a key way a person with adhd can attain a reward that feeds the release of dopamine, so it can be quite an addictive state. So there is a logic to why people with adhd hyperfocus. Even me typing this paragraph is me hyperfocusing 😂

I’m glad you have found some self-acceptance for the memory issues you experience. I think so many of us have some kind of struggle and it’s important to be kind to ourselves with it. The prosopagnosia is quite strange in a way. For example, my friend introduced me to her new partner. Little did I know I knew him from 3 other times in my life. I’d met him years ago and had a long chat with him one day at uni. I’d met him through a housemate years later. And I met him when hiking up a hill on the south coast. I did not realise any of these times he was the same person. Even though I knew the name was the same, I didn’t twig. Only when he brought these things to my attention, now that he was my friend’s partner, did I realise he was a single individual, not four different people 🙈 There are some people I can recognise, though there’s often a degree of hesitation and uncertainty, and other times I’m clueless that I know the person. When people are in context (e.g. they work in a particular shop) or they have a distinctive hairstyle or gait, I have an easier time recognising them.

I’m glad you enjoyed the wildlife photos. Sven Zacek has been my favourite wildlife photographer for many years now. It started after I saw his photos of Ural Owls in a National Geographic magazine. I think that was about 2011. He formed a relationship with those owls over time so they went about their lives unperturbed by him. He loves the cold so there are plenty of images taken in winter. He often puts a humorous or thoughtful caption on his images.

Well, yes, my kiwis are working on the Christmas decorations which are, ahem, interesting 🤨 Due to their inebriated state they are rather like something avant garde from the Guggenheim museum of modern art in New York. Let’s just say they will make the decor of our Christmas extravaganza “unique”. They have got so into their creative side they want to build a giant sculpture dedicated to beer drinking and install it next to the onsite brewery on the adjacent iceberg. From their mumblings I think this may involve a giant kiwi sipping from a beer bottle. It’s great to know the hippos and ostriches are on their way. Eddie the Emperor Penguin is still stuck in my chimney and the kiwis have been pulling on his legs trying to get him out. I’m feeding him several fish a day.

Well sleep well Paws and wishing you a lovely day tomorrow.

Hugs,

ER