Staying/Getting/Doing Well – Moving goalposts or fixed target?

[Paw Prints]

Hi, this is my first post, though I have been reading the forums for some weeks. I’m probably expressing myself badly when I say that I have found reading about other people’s journeys reassuring. Finding a community of people who “get it” even when they have a wide variety of experiences and lives lived is not something I thought I would ever find.

Though people talk about getting well & there is a section Staying Well, I’m curious as to what this actually means to other people and how they manage their expectations. I noticed some people refer to being well as ‘being like themselves before they got ill’, whilst others don’t express an exact aim.

My idea of being well has changed over the years. I was first diagnosed as an 8 year old child back in the late sixties. The doctors told Mum that the voices in my head & the sudden crying bouts were because I suffered from ‘nerves’ & I was given meds to calm me. Of course such things were not discussed back then & I was told not to talk about it to anyone, not my school friends nor siblings, just Mum. For decades after my idea of being well simply meant being able to hide my illness from others.

A number of events in my life caused my illness to worsen, until some years ago I became so ill I needed to be hospitalised for my own safety. This lead to my current diagnosis of Major Depression, Anxiety & PTSD. I’m no longer in that dark place, but each day is still a battle (though I can now believe in a future). For now only my siblings & one friend know about my illness, though some things they still don’t know.
So, what does ‘being well’ mean to me, it is ever moving goalposts. If you had asked me 5 years ago would I be as well as I am now I would have thought it impossible as I couldn’t envision a future. If you had asked me last week (during one of my down periods) I would have said my progress was all an illusion & I was fooling myself that things can get better.
For now my idea of being well is being able to believe that things can change for the better, that I will one day be able to manage the everyday things like housework, caring for myself & caring for my dog & maybe, just maybe I will even be able to enjoy myself.

Paw Prints
**I took the tip to give myself time to write my post by writing on a word doc & then paste it.

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

I originally read own as owl & only noticed it wasn't owl when I read your addendum.  

Lass before you even fully decide where you might move to, I really do think you first need to get estimates from a few real estate agents for your place "as is" & to get an idea of what work is worth doing & whether it would make a marked difference in sale price.  It is important not just to consider in dollar terms the worth of doing the work, the bother & stress that would come with getting it done plus all the time it would take.  Then you need to look at the costs of moving, from agents fees, legal fees, removalist costs etc.  Only then will you have a clear idea of what you can afford to move to.  Getting this done doesn't mean you have to act on it right away... yes in another year or so it will have changed a bit, but that's ok it will still be comparable.  You can then take the time to search online for locations that meet what you want.  It might mean being a 10 minute drive to the coast, rather than a 10 minute walk... it might mean having a short drive from an outer suburb to attend things in the city... how close to other people... how far from amenities... all these things you can work through at your own pace, until you find maybe a few different locales that will suit.  I honestly believe that doing that sort of prep work before I moved made it all much easier & far less stressful, it also gave me time to check out any areas I wasn't familiar with.  Most importantly it helped me to determine just what were the most important things I needed to be content with where I lived.

I've decided to firstly set my wildlife camera up to view my birdbath... I think having it set where I know there are animals for it to capture images of, will mean I need only wait a few days to a week before checking it.  That way I will get an idea of how the settings are working & things like size of animal to distance ratio for capturing small creatures.  

I hope your rest day went well & you had a nice day for a walk.  

Hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws,

Thank you, yes, I will most definitely look into costs of various things and what is worth fixing up at my place and what I can just leave. Some things have to be done. The external roll down shutter on the kitchen window broke two years ago. I tried multiple sources to repair it without success. I eventually gave up and have been in the dark in my kitchen having to use the light. It’s difficult getting tradespeople to travel to my town to fix it. I was given numbers I called, left messages but no response. The local handyman who’s helped with other things is booked up months in advance at the moment. But I definitely can’t leave it like that whether I sell or not. I just couldn’t deal with trying to solve it anymore for a while. The garage door has never worked properly, hence I’ve always parked my car outside. The garden will need a serious spruce up. But the big thing too is sorting stuff I have and really need to largely get rid of. I will most likely be moving to a small, one bedroom unit so I have to streamline everything. That is good though. I find it is liberating to have minimal stuff. I have many emotional hours ahead going through a lot of stuff that was my parent’s. I’ve still got very complicated grief in relation to my mum’s death and it hurts like hell going through her things. I’m welling up just typing this. But it has to be done.

Tonight I’m in a half way town on my journey home. I’m so glad I broke up the journey. I’ve managed to pick up some great meals at the local supermarket that are the kinds of things I can eat. I’ve had their ready meals before and they are fresh, locally made and high quality. I have a chicken protein salad quinoa thing for dinner plus a tabbouleh salad made with quinoa and kale for my breakfast tomorrow. These foods are so much better than anything in my town’s local supermarket that just doesn’t have those sorts of things. I nearly moved to this town actually. It’s near a big regional centre and I do wonder what it would have been like had I chosen to live here. It doesn’t have the beautiful ocean like where I live now but it may have been less isolating.

One thing I can sense about myself is I have an itinerant spirit. There is a part of me that gets restless and just wants to travel around. There are challenges with my health and fatigue levels yet I am happy on the move, providing I don’t try to do too much in a day. I really feel nomadic at heart. I may get that from my dad who was an itinerant worker for many years before I was born and I know he loved that. Last year when my health improved after June I did two short road trips and I could sense how much I didn’t want to come home. I have an adhd brain which may have something to do with it too.

I think that’s a great idea to set up the wildlife cam where the bird bath is. You will get familiar with how it all works and you might find visitors to the bird bath you were unaware of. It will be fascinating to see what might be about in different places. You may find you can contribute info to citizen science projects too. Maybe you might see some creatures such as quolls or other marsupials 🤞 I look forward to hearing about any discoveries you make.

As I don’t have so far to travel tomorrow I’m going to do a bit of a walk in this town in the morning. I’ll then take a scenic drive home. I find getting off the major highways actually a relief. The driving is less intense and more relaxing. Again, I think I crave variety too. So taking different roads seems to really be good for my brain that needs new experiences and for my spirit that has a sense of freedom when I do that.

My few days with my good friends, their little girl and fluffy cat was so good for me. My histamine intolerance symptoms are less severe and I was even able to have a cup of coffee today and yesterday, something my body wouldn’t tolerate for a couple of months before that. I will never take drinking coffee or eating certain foods for granted again! I’m still limited but improving 🙂

Sorry, rambling away here! I hope you are having a lovely, restful evening Paws.

Warm hugs to you 🤗

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

I'm so glad your trip away with your friend & fluffy cat has you feeling revitalised.  Do you know if it is the store you bought them from that make the salads or do they get them pre-made from a local supplier?  If they come from a local supplier you could ring & see if they supply a shop nearer to you.  The general store I go to stocks things from local suppliers who also supply many of the smaller towns over quite a largish area.  

I wonder how much of your thoughts of being itinerant are fed by the fact you simply aren't happy living where you do.  Of course many people do decide to up sticks & travel... the grey nomads cohort springs to mind... I couldn't travel long term... my mind just thinks of all the cons of doing it... I'm afraid my adventurous days are behind me... though I do hope to do small trips away once I get a fur friend.

Well I went to my GP & even managed to ask for the certificate to say permanently.  I felt like a fool as I ended up in tears as she asked questions, but she did agree & now I just have to mail it & the return form.  

I hope your walk about town was relaxing with lots of nature to see.  Yes I also find getting off the highways is usually a much nicer drive.  I hope you enjoyed yours.

Huggily hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Paws,

I’m so glad you were able to ask for the permanent exemption and the doctor supported you. Please don’t feel like a fool for the tears. Those are your honest emotions and I think it can be helpful for the doctor to see that and how much something impacts you. I know I often present a more positive front to the doctor than I’m actually feeling. Then when I communicate about a particular health issue I often feel they are dismissive. For me that’s a pattern of positive stoicism learned in childhood as a survival mechanism as showing vulnerability wasn’t safe. But with my psychologist at least now I can let myself cry if I need to. I do think it is good for us to cry and have another human present with us who is safe and can witness our vulnerability. There is no shame in crying whatsoever. It likely helps the doctor understand you a bit better in terms of the things that are challenging and how they impact you. I’m so glad the exemption means that issue is gone for you now and you won’t have to think about it again.

I think the store in the other town does a mix of both. Someone there told me that certain meals they make themselves such as the roast dinners, but I think the ones I just had might have been a local supplier from the way it was packaged. Those sorts of things are not in my town but may be available in a neighbouring town half an hour from here. They are the sort of thing I make for myself at home but it was really convenient they were available when I was on the road.

I think there’s a few factors with my itinerant drive. I do know there were many years where I didn’t leave the city at all due to a mix of chronic pain and not having money to do even short holidays. So I think maybe I crave opportunities now to see new places. Bur last year it followed a period of intense fear attacks where I felt unsafe even in my own home. That is a complex trauma thing. So once my health improved I desperately wanted to break out of the freeze state I was in. It was like enacting the fight-or-flight response to get back to safety. And it was so successful. I improved more and more each day and felt so much better. I came back a changed person. But also it’s not feeling comfortable in my own town too and also I get to see lots of interesting things to photograph! It just feels really good to be on the road.

Yesterday I took scenic country roads through rolling hills and farmland. I had an emu cross in front of me and had to stop. It is amazing seeing them up close. They are so big! It’s happened before where one sort of saunters onto the road and doesn’t seem to be intent on moving quickly. I also enjoyed walking around and near a couple of cute little towns, both with a lot of character. Lots of cute buildings and stores such as gift shops, antique shops etc. I hope maybe you can get some small trips away Paws. Would you take your fur friend with you somewhere where you can bring pets? I know some caravan parks allow pets in some of the cabins they have and some other accommodation places allow it too.

Just remembering that on my walk in the first town I was in yesterday morning I saw a humorous sight. There was a flock of Wood Ducks by the river. But amongst them was a giant duck twice there size, likely a domestic duck crossed with a native duck. The giant duck seemed totally accepted by the group and moved about with them, but looked so funny as it towered above all the others 😂 I crossed the bridge to the other side of the river and there I saw a pair of Wood Ducks with lots of little fluffy chicks 😍 It was such a lovely start to the day.

I hope it's a good day for you today Paws. There's been bits of rain here but it's warmish as well.

Big hugs to you 🤗

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

Oh you made me smile with your tale of the giant duck... how lovely it is accepted in it's flock... plus seeing the little chicks... seeing either of those would have made my day... how marvellous to see both.

Well I have just come back inside from refilling the bird bath & finally putting my wildlife camera in place... so fingers crossed.

I used to do day (snuffling) trips with Woofa... I have a 5 metre tracking lead & had a tracking harness... I used to take him to different places for new smells, sights & sounds.  It really changed my perspective of places when I also viewed them from a dogs point of view.  The state forests are out of bounds for dogs, but there are a lot of timber plantations & he loved walking the tracks through them.  Plus the coast & it's environs along with small towns & country lanes. Having a dog did get me out of the house more & my mental health was better than it is now.  Thinking about it... it has been well over 30 years since I stayed away overnight anywhere 

Having been there myself, I do understand how debilitating it is to have fear attacks & not feel safe in your own home.  I'm guessing that just being out from under & being able to breathe freely when you did get away would reinforce the flight response as being right for you.  

I'm keeping everything crossed that health benefits of your trip away last for ages now you are back home.

Hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws,

It's exciting your wildlife cam is in place. Wildlife encounters are a sort of random thing and you never know what will appear. I always feel blessed with any wildlife encounters, whether here at home or like the emu I saw on my drive two days ago.

I do remember you mentioning your 5 metre tracking lead for Woofa. They are great for letting them roam a bit on lead. I know you miss Woofa so much. Even if you don't feel ready for owning another dog quite yet, I wonder if fostering a dog may be helpful for a little while? I have certainly found spending time with fluffy cat quite transformative. It's amazing how this little ball of fur makes such a difference. She definitely gets something from the connection too and would have cuddles non-stop all day if possible. It's kind of amazing really that we can have these interspecies connections.

30 years is a long time since being overnight somewhere else but I do understand it. I had a few years of severe chronic pain where I was largely bedridden and could barely walk, and certainly during that time I could not go to other places. The worst of that was from early 2005 until early 2008. In 2009 I did manage to go away with a friend for two weeks and in 2011 I went away by myself for a week. That 2011 trip was actually down here to this town where I live now. I was searching for good winter light to do photography and it is indeed a good place for that. I was also searching for a place to do some healing and that's when I first connected with the ocean place I love here. I know that was a factor in me being drawn back here. The landscape holds me even if the town itself doesn't. It's kind of odd how I'm connected to the landscape but not the people, but that is like my childhood pattern too where my primary connection was with nature.

I just finished a Telehealth appointment with my liver specialist. He is polite to talk to but it is always over in under 10 minutes and there is never any in depth discussion. When I have asked questions he's been evasive. So I know now not to expect any meaningful discussion but to just receive the prescription and book another appointment for 6 months. I've fully accepted solving any issues with the disease is up to me. One recent liver reading was above normal, indicating possible liver damage, but he's not too worried about it. I think it's most likely connected with the stress my body was going through with histamine intolerance and not keeping food down.

Yesterday I did feel myself sinking back into a lower place after returning home the day before, but I think a lot of that was a return of difficult symptoms. I am better today and it makes a big difference in my outlook. Overall I think things are better, even if I have times of sinking down again. A positive thing last night was I started to write a journal again. After a traumatic time in late 2010 I lost the ability to do journal writing. It no longer helped me. But I processed that time in my life with my psychologist just recently and something has shifted. I suddenly wanted to write journal entries again and found it to be a positive, constructive experience. I know you were doing something similar Paws. Are you still journal writing now and finding it helpful? 

Well the sun is still up here and I am going to go for a walk across the road before making dinner. I hope you are having a lovely, peaceful evening and that the weather is turning out well this week. I'm imagining little hoppy marsupials and majestic owls appearing in front of your wildlife cam 🦉

Take care and warm hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

Have you thought about changing your liver specialist in the hope of getting one who listens & explains things.  It must be so frustrating not getting clear answers to your questions, so I do understand you taking your own care on yourself, but it would be good for you to have someone you can feel is at the very least offering you some support.  

I don't think it odd that you have felt more connected to nature than people.  You know where you stand with nature, the same can't always be said about people.

No I can't get even a temporary rescue dog as the current state of my house & yards is not even remotely safe for one.  The yards & sheds have become snake heaven, plus the bad storm that broke the trees out on my verge also trashed everything outside including everything on my verandah.   I've just been making an even bigger mess inside with my attempts to declutter & also finish all the jobs that are 90% done.  If I was ready for a new fur friend I'm sure that would give me the motivation, but right now I'm just trying to push through each day & not hide in bed or lose myself mindlessly playing solitaire.

When I am ready to start the process of getting a new dog it will mean that I will have to stay away overnight in a few different places as none of the breeders of Field Spaniels live close to me. I wouldn't get a dog from someone without checking out the conditions they keep their dogs first hand & meeting them in person before even going on a waiting list.  I made that mistake with my first ever Dane & sadly didn't recognise the warning signs that she was a backyard breeder who didn't care for the dogs she bred. He had so many health issues from poor breeding I had to put him down before he turned three.  It broke my heart & opened my eyes to the bad breeders out there.  

I am still writing in my journal. A lot of the time I'm simply noting what I'm doing at what time, but even just doing that I think can be helpful, as it is making it clear to me my auto pilot responses.  Plus seeing I've basically done nothing useful for days is helping to give me a push to do something, however small.

I hope you felt up to being out in nature today & wish you pleasant dreams

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws,

I’ve already changed liver specialists once and the current one is still definitely better than the first. I’d only change again if I could find someone definitely more amenable to discussion and a more collaborative approach. The naturopath I’ve worked with has been infinitely more engaged, helpful and collaborative. His approach working with the microbiome has had far more benefit than anything else. The current liver specialist at least accepts and recognises his work, even though he doesn’t actively engage with it. Whereas the previous liver specialist had expletive-laden statements to declare about naturopaths. Yet the naturopath has been far more evidence-based and thorough in everything he’s done compared with the conventional medical professionals. I was avoiding going back to him as any further microbiome testing is quite expensive. I don’t have to do that testing but it’s very informative and helpful in guiding further treatment. That payment goes to the lab not the naturopath. The cost of the naturopath is really not too bad relative to the specialist but just can’t be claimed on Medicare. But maybe I will be going back to the naturopath as it is such a more rewarding, beneficial and pro-active experience. But I’m working very much on my emotional healing too which I know changes the body, something both the naturopath and my psychologist are on the same page with. I actually have much gratitude for the good people I’ve found and it does counter the frustrations with the medical profession.

I understand now about the difficulties with potentially getting a rescue/foster dog. It can feel like a bit of a mountain to climb to get to where you need to be with the house and yards. But I think just keep taking things a day at a time as you are and you will keep progressing towards your goal. I’m in a sort of similar situation where I have lots of house and garden issues to get through on the way to other goals. I think it’s important to find ways to enjoy each day along the way too. Otherwise it can feel like this big weight to carry. But little by little you will get there.

That may actually be a nice experience to go away for a bit to a few places when looking at Field Spaniels and checking out the breeders. I’m so sorry what happened with your first Great Dane. I’ve heard similar stories including my friend’s standard poodle dying prematurely from suspected breeding related issues. She was so heartbroken. He had the most beautiful nature. I wonder if there are review sites for breeders and also if the RSPCA or other animal welfare bodies may be able to advise regarding reputable breeders? They may at least have tips for things to look for.

I’m glad you are still getting some benefit from journal writing. Yes, just by documenting what you are doing you can see daily patterns and get a sense of the things you want to achieve. I think even just small achievements are great. I have some small goals coming up such as cleaning the glass on my sliding door. I do easily overlook it day after day, yet I know how much better it will feel looking out of clean instead of very dirty glass. A while back I could photograph birds through the glass but certainly not at the moment! Every little thing helps and it really doesn’t matter how small.

I did have a nature walk this afternoon. The creek in the forest across from here is only just still running but I expect it will stop in a week or two. Wishing you pleasant dreams tonight too Paws.

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

Yes you're right, having good emotional/mental health does benefit our physical health & the opposite is true as well.  I'm glad you have both your naturopath & psychologist in your corner working with you.  Having people who both listen & explain can make such a difference.  There have been multiple studies that show when a patient is included in the decision making & feels a sense of control with their healthcare, they do have better outcomes.

ER as you are looking at getting a rescue, the next bit probably won't interest you, but I thought I would put it out there for anyone else reading along who wants to get a well bred dog,..  A good place to start, is learning about the breed you are interested in & deciding if it is a good fit for your circumstances...  then start looking for a reputable dog breeder on dogzonline... a place for registered breeders to advertise their kennel... then you need to check if the kennel really is registered with the proper state authority, such as the Victorian Canine Assoc (Dogs Victoria)... each state has such a body & they may show additional breeders registered who do not advertise themselves in any other place...  Some dodgy breeders say they are registered even when they're not... then comes checking if their is a breed club/association (not all breeds have one)...  going to shows to meet breeders & learn more about their dogs if you can... following breed specific facebook pages... following particular breeders online... the good ones are usually happy to show their dogs & puppies living conditions & training...  then comes asking the breeder questions about health testing etc... you also want a breeder that asks you questions as a good breeder doesn't just let their pups go to just anyone... These days it is so much easier to get the info needed to find good breeders.  

In a way the thought of staying away overnight & having to meet new people when I start looking for a pup is scary.   But I think it will be good for me to do it & I hope get easier with each trip.  I will start off going to dog shows & some of them (especially the major ones) will mean staying overnight too.  

I find cleaning windows is like all those other odds & ends such as cleaning light switches or the ceiling fan, you don't give them a thought until one day it hits you that they really could do with a clean.  

It rained here overnight & in the early morning... good soaking type rain, then this afternoon it was that misty type rain & lovely & cool.  I hope you get some good rains to give the creeks there a boost.  

Hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Paws,

I think having those opportunities to go and stay at some places overnight could be a really good experience. Last year when I decided to go on a road trip I can remember how tentative I was. I had been very unwell for sometime and was genuinely scared about my ability to cope. So the first day I only drove 2 hours to a town not far away. That all went ok and as I continued it got easier and easier. I think as you get the hang of it you will likely begin to enjoy it and it will be so refreshing seeing new places. The meeting new people gets easier too. You might get a chance to chat to other dog enthusiasts at the dog shows and share knowledge and experiences. It can be something to look forward to.

Well I didn't get to cleaning my glass sliding door today. I did get some washing done. I slept in a lot which was a contrast to yesterday morning where I had to be up early for an optometrist appointment in another town. I have more productive days when I do get up early. But I also seem to need to sleep so much at the moment. I often go down for a few hours in the day as my body just can't sit up anymore let alone do anything. So something is happening with my need for sleep. I know you have epic sleeping too.

Although my thoughts are with getting a rescue dog, it's still interesting hearing about the process of finding a specific breed. I'm am also thinking about the alternative of just doing petsitting in the future. If I end up back in the city in a small, one bedroom apartment I would not get a dog, but I would be very happy to go and petsit other people's dogs. I know that's not the same as having your own though. I feel like my future is too uncertain at the moment to commit to getting a pet.

Have you watched Muster Dogs at all? I haven't watched the recent episodes but I did watch some of the original series. I loved seeing the bond between the farmer Frank and Annie the kelpie.

I'm so glad you finally got that good soaking rain. That lovely misty rain is so lovely and atmospheric too. It's fairly dry here now and looks like it may be for a while. I go back to Perth around the 16th or 17th. I'm going to have the biopsy for the tumour I was really meant to have in October. Although expected to be benign it's been recommended and I probably should do it. It's so much hotter up in Perth so I'll brace myself for that!

I just remembered something from my drive home yesterday that I meant to tell you. I saw a paddock with two emus in it but also a bunch of highland cattle, or "heeland coos" as they would say in Scotland 😂 I just thought you'd like to hear about emus and highland cattle in a paddock together. I think highland cattle are cute 😍

Sleep well Paws and have a lovely day tomorrow.

Hugs,
ER