Staying/Getting/Doing Well – Moving goalposts or fixed target?

[Paw Prints]

Hi, this is my first post, though I have been reading the forums for some weeks. I’m probably expressing myself badly when I say that I have found reading about other people’s journeys reassuring. Finding a community of people who “get it” even when they have a wide variety of experiences and lives lived is not something I thought I would ever find.

Though people talk about getting well & there is a section Staying Well, I’m curious as to what this actually means to other people and how they manage their expectations. I noticed some people refer to being well as ‘being like themselves before they got ill’, whilst others don’t express an exact aim.

My idea of being well has changed over the years. I was first diagnosed as an 8 year old child back in the late sixties. The doctors told Mum that the voices in my head & the sudden crying bouts were because I suffered from ‘nerves’ & I was given meds to calm me. Of course such things were not discussed back then & I was told not to talk about it to anyone, not my school friends nor siblings, just Mum. For decades after my idea of being well simply meant being able to hide my illness from others.

A number of events in my life caused my illness to worsen, until some years ago I became so ill I needed to be hospitalised for my own safety. This lead to my current diagnosis of Major Depression, Anxiety & PTSD. I’m no longer in that dark place, but each day is still a battle (though I can now believe in a future). For now only my siblings & one friend know about my illness, though some things they still don’t know.
So, what does ‘being well’ mean to me, it is ever moving goalposts. If you had asked me 5 years ago would I be as well as I am now I would have thought it impossible as I couldn’t envision a future. If you had asked me last week (during one of my down periods) I would have said my progress was all an illusion & I was fooling myself that things can get better.
For now my idea of being well is being able to believe that things can change for the better, that I will one day be able to manage the everyday things like housework, caring for myself & caring for my dog & maybe, just maybe I will even be able to enjoy myself.

Paw Prints
**I took the tip to give myself time to write my post by writing on a word doc & then paste it.

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws,

Yes, I wondered about the dog poo re: health and safety too. She told me it was her friend’s dog who had been staying there, but still not sure why you wouldn’t clean it up when you have clients waiting there 🤔

I imagine the Melbourne CBD has changed greatly over recent decades. I noticed there seemed to be construction work everywhere including right outside where I was staying. It started early morning and ended at dusk each day, every day I was there. There are more laneways in Melbourne than Perth and I found it fascinating to explore without a map. Ducking down a laneway led to all sorts of discoveries from cute cafes to urban gardens. One led to a courtyard with both interesting food and what seemed to be an arts hub. When you first come into the CBD on the SkyBus it almost seems foreboding and definitely enormous compared with Perth. But once within the CBD I just felt content and like I was in a curious maze of intriguing discovery. I even found a Welsh church that delivers services in the Welsh language! And I loved walking around Chinatown at night which was wonderful for photography. I rested some afternoons so I’d have energy for night exploration. The main night hub for Perth, Northbridge, has always had some crime issues and doesn’t always feel safe at night. Yet the parts of Melbourne CBD I was in did feel safe with lots of people wherever I went. I saw lots of people out with their dogs too which you don’t see so much in the Perth CBD.

I’m glad you had the laugh out loud moment! I always consider it a good sign when that happens. I am just imagining the picture of the deer 🤣 I imagine the people at the insurance company must have had a good laugh too.

I love that you have some cattle neighbours again 🐮 The fact they are young bulls who are boisterous and silly should make it entertaining 😂 I remember being on a music camp as a kid that was held at an agricultural college. When I opened the curtain in the morning there was a cow looking at me on the other side 😂

Fluffy cat has been great company. Yesterday was unfortunately a bad day for hours of coughing and wretching (poor fluffy cat having to listen to that). At one stage I just broke down and cried from exhaustion. But last night I read that a med I’m on inhibits the DAO enzyme that breaks down histamine. This could be another piece of the puzzle and I’m now planning to wean myself off this med. I’ve also started taking low dose vitamin C throughout the day after reading this helps with histamine intolerance and I think this is also helping. There has to be a solution to what is currently clearly an imbalance in my system.

I also improved last night after spending about 3 hours with my friend, her husband and their baby girl who is just walking now. I could feel how much better I feel with this human contact. They are gentle people and it feels good to be with them.

I hope it’s been a lovely day for you Paws. I’ve had to lie down from a migraine but in recovery now and hoping to go down to the ocean for sunset. I head home for about a week tomorrow then back here again for more time looking after fluffy cat.

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

I hope that discovering one of your meds may be exacerbating your histamine issues is a step towards you getting on top of one of your issues at least.  I'm not surprised you ended in tears yesterday lass & it is ok to let yourself have a good cry when things feel overwhelming & never ending.  I'm sure there is a solution out there & I'm even more sure that with how pro active you are learning about everything, you will find it.  Lass you should be proud of yourself with how you keep working towards the life you want despite all the hurdles you face daily.

Back when I worked in Melbourne's CBD in the early 80s they were just starting to try to turn the lanes from places to keep dumpsters & do dodgy deals, into vibrant fun places to be.  It was fun to explore each lane after its face lift & surprising what a difference it made.  I don't know if you explored the indoor/covered laneways/arcades or even if they still exist.  They were mostly enclosed back around the 1890s through to the 1930s & became places to find good quality small shop fronts, from jewellers to cafes.  The entrances to the lane had doorways to keep the weather out & so it felt like you were indoors, a main attraction of them was the architecture & the decorative tiling/paving.  I remember the little Welsh Church & even back then I wondered how it managed to survive all the changes.  I'm glad it is still there.

I hope you found being at the beach helped to recharge your energy levels.  I'm sure Fluffy Cay will miss you. You better check your bags to make sure she doesn't try to leave with you.😁

Safe travels

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws,

Yes, the effect of this med is on top of the hormone medication. Both inhibit the breakdown of histamine in the body and the hormone med also increases histamine production. I will keep experimenting and researching.

Right now I have a fluffy cat with her head nestled in my left armpit purring. I just told her she’s a fluffy muffin. Early in cuddle time she has preening behaviours such as paw licking. I’m sure it all has special meaning in the cat world. I think a lot of it goes back to being a kitten and also how a mother cat takes care of kittens. The other night she took it in turns to lick her paw and then my hand. It’s her special num nums tonight - gourmet kangaroo. She gets this twice a week to complement her pedigree quality cat bickies. She’s a very calming little being. Her fur makes her look much bigger than she actually is. I love her so much 🐱💗

The ocean was lovely and I watched the sunset. It also brought up strong emotions though as it’s the beach I learned to swim at and a place I took my mum in the last couple of years of her life. There are all these memories. It’s the first time I’ve felt able to visit there since 2021. So when I got in my car all this grief and tears came up that’s so painful all over again. I felt so alone again. But fluffy cat has greatly helped ease those painful feelings.

I do recall an arcade that sounds like it may be one of the ones you’re talking about. It came off Bourke St and looked to be from the era you mention. I think it had black and white tiling but I can’t remember the name of it. I didn’t walk down it but just looked along it from the mall. It looked quite elegant. There is so much I didn’t see. There seem to be lots of community groups and activities and that it would be possible to find groups to connect with and find a sense of belonging, even in the central city. I had a lovely chat with a lady selling the Big Issue and bought a copy. I’ve had the nicest chats with Big Issue vendors here in Perth too. They’ve always had tough lives and are such genuine people.

 I think fluffy cat might be at least partially asleep. I think I’m hearing what almost sound like gentle snores combined with purring 😂 I hope you have a peaceful sleep tonight Paws just like fluffy cat.

Warm hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

How wonderful you finally felt able to go back to the beach that holds such memories for you, even with all the grief & tears that doing so caused.  I'm sure you will find it beneficial in the long term as it is a healing step & doing it for the first time is always the hardest.  

I've never owned a cat, my younger sister & my s.i.l. are the cat lovers in our family & each has both cats & dogs.  The only thing I really know about cats is they all like to pick out the non cat person in the room to annoy. 🐱 🤣  I have cat sat though & I refuse to admit to having enjoyed kitty cuddles when no one was looking.  I'm sure though that licking your hand along side her paw must have some meaning, with dogs it is a bonding sign & I guess it may be the same for cats.

I wish more people were like you & would bother to talk to not just those selling the big issue, but other homeless people they may come across.  When I worked in the city if I came in early through the back laneway in winter there was a homeless man who slept next to the hot air vents because it was warm.  I often saw him as he was packing up his swag for the night & always gave him a smile & a good morning.  I was so touched one day when he told me that I was the only person to do that & it always brightened his day.  A smile & a friendly word doesn't cost anything.

Safe travels home

hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Thank you for your kind, thoughtful words Paws. I didn’t end up travelling home today as I really wasn’t well this morning and by the time I’d be ready it would be too late to drive back. I did manage to drive to a peaceful river location in the afternoon and my symptoms which were relentless throughout the morning began to calm down. Driving back at sunset I felt quite awful again. But then my friend with the little girl invited me over again and after about 3 more hours there I have improved so much again. I can really feel how positive human contact makes all the difference. It actually changes how my body is functioning and is so healing. I’ve just been rocking her baby girl to sleep and there is nothing like rocking a baby to help yourself feel peaceful. I think I’ve concluded that coming back to live here may be the right thing for me. My friend’s husband was telling me that tonight. So somehow I have to gradually organise myself in that direction. It may make more sense than moving to Melbourne which would be much harder to organise I think.

That’s so lovely you spoke to that homeless man. I agree, so many people ignore homeless people, but when you make some kind of acknowledgement that helps that person so much and can make a profound difference to their day. I used to work in a customer service setting for a local council service. A homeless man who used the service had lost his membership card for that service. I was supposed to charge him $5 for a replacement but I knew he couldn’t pay it so just waived the fee. Today by the river near where I was sitting there was a homeless man in a sleeping bag. I see it everywhere now and in Melbourne too. The housing crisis is out of control and we need to make some major societal shifts that don’t make it so hard for people.

I have always been more of a dog person. I guess I could say dogs have felt like my soul buddies. But I’ve done petsitting with a couple of cats now. The first was a very elderly cat who was a wonderful character. We did yoga stretches together 😂 And fluffy cat is a gentle being with a lovely nature. Cats can seem more distant than dogs at first, but I’ve found they’ve made more sense to me the more I’ve spent time with them. Fluffy cat is quite a sensitive soul. She came in first thing this morning and jumped up for morning cuddles 🥰 I’ve read too that cats often go to the non-cat person 😂 The explanation I’ve read is the non-cat person is usually looking at them less and not overwhelming them so they actually feel more comfortable with that person. I am good at giving fluffy cat space and did that in the beginning and I think that helped her trust me more and feel more comfortable. I think she’s on my bed at the moment so that means more fluff everywhere!

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

I hope you were feeling well enough to drive home today & that it didn't take too much out of you.  

Moving to Perth would be easier than to Melbourne & it keeps you close to the places you know & love. It also has the advantage of having your friends nearby & your current medical team who know you.  Having said that it doesn't have to be the one & only move, if after some time there you don't feel it is right for you then you always the option to move again, be it a different place in Perth or further afield.  

I hope you are sitting down reading this as I don't want you falling over in laughter at imagining my foolishness.  The lock on my front door is playing up & sometimes I can't get the key to go in all the way, though usually some brute force will work.  Well today brute force was to no avail, so I decided to go in via my back door, which in Woofa's time was always open.  I clambered through the chaos of outdoor furniture & plant pots that the last storm had thrown all around the back verandah & got to the back door only to find it locked 🙄.  Now if my brain had been engaged I would have thought to bring the keys or even to go & get them from the front door.... no... what did I do..... I climbed in through the kitchen window & only thought of the key for the backdoor when I was halfway in.  🤔🙄 Definitely not something a short, overweight, old bat should do.  It was neither quick nor graceful.  I definitely wouldn't make a good cat burglar. 🤣  

I hadn't thought the no eye contact worked with cats as it does with dogs... though now you have mentioned it, it seems logical, as most animals (even humans) don't like strangers invading their personal space or forcing interactions.  

Hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws,

I am just finally sitting down having arrived home. I enjoyed reading your story of the key and back door and it is indeed the kind of thing I would do 😂 I think, in the moment, it’s that feeling of wanting to make sure you can get inside if you find something locked, and all memory of the key can disappear. I definitely have goldfish memory. I remember things from early childhood clearly but easily forget the last 5 minutes.

After arriving home I notice how much I appreciate the peace here. But at the same time it still isn’t feeling quite home. I can see a red-capped parrot sitting in my peach tree who is chattering away with the somewhat percussive sounds they have. They are more shy than the twenty eight parrots and I think probably hang around here more when I’m away, and now they are probably thinking, oh no the human’s home again! When I am in Perth I’m in a fairly dense suburb with a high crime rate. The police helicopter is routinely overhead and lots of “interesting” activities on the street. Plenty of drug-related activity. Here in this town there is almost zero crime. Yet in the city I feel I have more community and more of a sense of possible future community as well. So it’s quite weird figuring out where I’m meant to be, but as you say any move doesn’t have to be permanent. It will be a one bedroom unit wherever it is, so I’ve been looking at those on real estate sites in various locations. But it will take me a while to get this place sorted with many maintenance issues as well as still sorting boxes of stuff I’ve been unable to deal with up until now.

With fluffy cat, I’ve learned to read her various ways of communicating. She really does talk to you, both in the tone of the meow and body language. She slept on the bed with me last night. She was absolutely fast asleep when I went to go to bed and I had to lift her to the other side so I could get into it. In the day she has small courtyard areas at the front and back she can go into. She loves to sun herself outside. A favourite hidey place at the moment is in a large pot with a plant in it under some shade cloth. She sort of wraps her body to fit around the plant. Sometimes I’ve worried I’ve lost her and then discover the new spot she’s found.

 Hope your week is going well Paws. I was thinking about how hard it is to do counselling and therapy when in a regional area. Then I remembered that my first two sessions with my current psychologist were over the phone, before I had a computer set up. So that just occurred to me that may be another option. While it is probably better to be able to see the person you’re talking with, it’s amazing how well those two first sessions went with my psychologist. So I just thought I’d mention that as a potential other option.

 I hope you may have some nice spring weather coming up. Today has been fine but apparently some rain, wind and possibly small hail and thunderstorms on the way here.

Hugs,

ER

[Croix]

Dear ER, wiht a wave to Paws~

To get the question of evolution out of the way - take giraffes, did they spring into existence with extra long necks and seek out tall trees , or did they gradually get taller as the more juicy parts of the tree were higher? I can imagine inebriated kiwis starting with the small bottles you find in hotel rooms, and gradually working their way up to full size bottles as their beaks elongated.

Well, it's a theory anyway.

I'm not sure about cats and eye contact, I tend to get both barrels of an accusing stare if I'm tardy with the regular evaporated milk treat of an evening.

Moving can be a problem, and one neighbor poison the whole scene, as an opposite no such neighbor and a being adjacent to parkland can give a person exactly what they need. I suppose the only constant is sometimes things change and another move may be necessary.

I'm lucky, for the first part of my life I was all over the world and many place in Australia, but eventually I found a place that fitted Mrs C and I like a glove and have been there ever since. I know there will be more changes, due to age if nothing else, but am putting them off as long as possible and just enjoying being here. 

Wrens in the back yard and bandicoots in the side paddock have untold value.. Even the passive-aggressive possum that lives in my shed and knocks down all my boxes of nails etc is something I'd miss.

There was a time I had a light fingered unpleasant neighbor moved in, and I had to go mad wiht locks and alarms, but that only lasted a few years, and all is quiet and relaxed again. I'm glad I did not react and leave.

I to try to treat homeless as if they were me and do give money or food at times. The dividing line, or single event, can transform living in a conformable abode to nothing so quickly .I don't realy know what people in that situation think, I've never has much but a cursory thanks. I guess it does good, I do know it makes me feel better

Croix

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER & Croix,

ER it sounds as though Fluffy Cat has accepted you as her human.  I chuckled at her playing "find the cat" with you.  I've noticed with other people's cats how often they like to tuck themselves in every nook & cranny.

Poor Sumo cat having to admonish his servants with an accusing stare... one just can't get good staff these  days... 😆

I'm envious Croix that like ER you have bandicoots.  Your possum on the other hand sounds like the ones from where I used to live.  The mother possum was very good at bailing up Woofa & they all liked to party on my roof in their hobnailed boots at night.  

Croix I have also found a place that fits... despite some drawbacks which don't out-way the good things.  I'm glad you didn't let your neighbour drive you away, though bad neighbours can be a deal breaker sometimes.  ER I'm sure that using the time it will take to get your current place ready to sell as a chance to explore the places you might want to move to, will mean you have a better chance at finding somewhere that fits for you.

I again slept far too long... nearly 22 hours... but I also had a good cry when I went to bed.  I'm happy to say I have gotten up with some oomph to do things.  I'm noting every little thing I am doing in my journal, even down to putting a new bin liner in... but as I see the list grow & a patch look clean & tidy, it is giving me a push to keep going tonight.

Hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws and Croix,

Croix, it's fascinating how creatures have evolved. The red-tailed black cockatoos here have a beak especially evolved to break open the marri nuts of the marri tree. There are often reciprocal relationships between animals and plants. The theory of kiwis starting with the small bottles in hotels and their beaks elongating as they increased their consumption to full size bottles sounds plausible 😂 It could be called the kiwi-bottle co-evolution hypothesis.

With regard to moving, it is not just one neighbour that has been an issue but a number of experiences that have left me feeling very isolated here. I can tell how much I need meaningful human connection. When I first arrived here I thought I would be working in 2-3 months, but my health collapsed. It is the kind of town where if you are not working and seen as a contributor, you are not looked upon particularly kindly. When I did volunteer work it was in a neighbouring town until I became too ill to continue that, so I haven't been able to establish that sense of being part of the community here. Many retirees come here, but they too are expected to take on roles in the town. I am struggling so much just to get through daily tasks. I have also spent so many years in the service of others and I have nothing in the tank right now to take on ongoing roles supporting others. In the city there is relative anonymity and if you can't do much except survive you can generally do that without judgement from others. It's interesting that in Melbourne city I felt at home, even among so many people. I felt safe in the anonymity. With complex trauma issues I am always navigating fear of people, but it actually was easier to deal with the masses in Melbourne than the small population here. The one place my nervous system completely calms is in nature and 100% away from people. It is the only time I feel my hypervigilance let go, and even then I often have to stay in a such a place for around 3 hours before that letting go happens. But I am also a human being who I've realised does need other humans, so it is my ongoing challenge trying to work this out.

Paws, I imagine it was probably therapeutic to have a good cry. It's our body's way of releasing stuff. I hope the sleep that followed was at least restful and restorative. It sounds like a good sign to feel some oomph when you got up to do things. I think every little thing you do is an achievement. I find some days changing the bin liner or watering the plants on my porch is my meaningful achievement, and I'm gradually learning not to be hard on myself when I can't do more. I think it's good to write down those details in your journal. Just making the small achievements and being able to see them helps to feel like things are possible. For me I think clearing my kitchen table of multiple miscellaneous items will be a goal in the next couple of days. I know I will feel better seeing the actual table itself again 😂

In the last couple of days I have felt horrendous with relentless symptoms. I had a call from the doctor who ordered the biopsy today and her manner is so cold and clinical it left me feeling more lost than ever. I called the Blue Knot Foundation realising I was so overcome by feelings of isolation that I was becoming really dysregulated. It was grounding and helpful as usual and I feel I have more capacity to function again.

I hope you are both having a good day today, achieving the small things you want to but also having time for peaceful activities you enjoy.

Hugs,

ER