Staying/Getting/Doing Well – Moving goalposts or fixed target?

[Paw Prints]

Hi, this is my first post, though I have been reading the forums for some weeks. I’m probably expressing myself badly when I say that I have found reading about other people’s journeys reassuring. Finding a community of people who “get it” even when they have a wide variety of experiences and lives lived is not something I thought I would ever find.

Though people talk about getting well & there is a section Staying Well, I’m curious as to what this actually means to other people and how they manage their expectations. I noticed some people refer to being well as ‘being like themselves before they got ill’, whilst others don’t express an exact aim.

My idea of being well has changed over the years. I was first diagnosed as an 8 year old child back in the late sixties. The doctors told Mum that the voices in my head & the sudden crying bouts were because I suffered from ‘nerves’ & I was given meds to calm me. Of course such things were not discussed back then & I was told not to talk about it to anyone, not my school friends nor siblings, just Mum. For decades after my idea of being well simply meant being able to hide my illness from others.

A number of events in my life caused my illness to worsen, until some years ago I became so ill I needed to be hospitalised for my own safety. This lead to my current diagnosis of Major Depression, Anxiety & PTSD. I’m no longer in that dark place, but each day is still a battle (though I can now believe in a future). For now only my siblings & one friend know about my illness, though some things they still don’t know.
So, what does ‘being well’ mean to me, it is ever moving goalposts. If you had asked me 5 years ago would I be as well as I am now I would have thought it impossible as I couldn’t envision a future. If you had asked me last week (during one of my down periods) I would have said my progress was all an illusion & I was fooling myself that things can get better.
For now my idea of being well is being able to believe that things can change for the better, that I will one day be able to manage the everyday things like housework, caring for myself & caring for my dog & maybe, just maybe I will even be able to enjoy myself.

Paw Prints
**I took the tip to give myself time to write my post by writing on a word doc & then paste it.

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws,

Yes, I read that story about the WA Wheatbelt. The two road trips I went on last year were into the Wheatbelt. There’s not much habitat left in the Wheatbelt because of extensive land clearing, so the remaining ecological communities are very important there. It was out there I saw Mulga Parrots for the first time. I hung out with a pair for about an hour who were feeding on the side of the road. The male has the most beautiful turquoise colour on him. I saw them again on the second trip. Another pair appeared while I was watching some Major Mitchell Cockatoos feeding. It was my first time seeing Major Mitchell Cockies in the wild too. I really hope they are not too heavily impacted by the drought impacts. I imagine it’s quite possible cockatoos remember human faces as they are very clever.

It was good you had that connection with your dad through the interest in wildlife and animals. I understand what you mean about animals always being what they are but humans not always being so. I think for many people who’ve had past difficulties or traumas, animals feel much more safe. I think like you I didn’t have many ways to connect with my dad. We almost never had what I would call a conversation and he didn’t give hugs. But I do remember him pointing out stars and constellations in the night sky to me. The person he thought was his dad for the first 7 years of his life (but turned out not to be) did that with him, so he was passing down the only kind of parenting he knew. So I really appreciate he shared that with me. I imagine it was meaningful for your dad to share the connection with animals with you just as it was for you with him. I’ve learned that one of the most meaningful things in life are such connections and they always stay in our hearts.

I saw a video on the ABC website this morning that showed there was a tornado that went through part of Victoria. So it may well have been one that went by your place Paws. You may have seen the video. It’s no wonder so many people were impacted with loss of power, phone services etc.

I actually only arrived today to be with fluffy cat as I wasn’t well to travel until today. She is curled up on a ball snoozing at the moment. I’m just having a cuppa while I build up strength to deal with a leaking litter tray scenario. I’ve just been to the local supermarket for cleaning supplies. It will all be cleaned up soon.

I will definitely pass on the pats and hugs to you too,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

I'm glad for you that you had that connection with your dad growing up.  You are right when you say that those types of connections are some of the most meaningful in our lives.  It sounds like your dad was (as was mine) trying to be a good dad the only way he knew.  I think I was blessed that in his final years my dad drank a lot less & mellowed into being someone you could sometimes have a good conversation with.  I hope you found a time where your dad was able to give you something more however brief a time it may have been.  These days animals or things like being in nature are often used to help people cope mental health issues or to learn to build trust & connections.  I think back to your past comments about finding awe in things & I think we found that with the things our dads shared with us.

I didn't see the online video on the tornado, though I read the report about it & saw it on the news.  I'm fairly certain it was a small tornado that briefly touched down here. The destruction here though covering a much shorter track matches too well to be anything else.

It is not good that you weren't feeling well enough to travel as planned.  Was it the tiredness or were you having trouble keeping things down still?  I do worry that you may be losing the vital nutrients that help to keep your systems working properly & that may be causing you to be stuck in a form of feed back loop on top of everything else. 

I'm sure fluffy cat is delighted to have you back to spoil her.  The leaking litter tray however is not the best welcome she could have given you.  Rest up & enjoy your time with her.

Hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws,

I’m glad how your dad mellowed and that it enabled conversations and connections. My dad definitely mellowed too, even though he still didn’t do conversation exactly. And that was really a product of his early life experiences of neglect that he was like that. He did once, I think when I was in my 20s, say, “You’ve given us a lot of love and I really love you”. That was profound and meant so much. It was him acknowledging that I’d deeply cared for him and mum, and that was despite things done to me as a child. He was verbally and physically violent then which was really just trauma distress from his past coming out. My mum’s rage was the same. But there were beautiful things they gave me despite the destructive things. It’s a weird contradiction I’m still working to resolve and is often the reason I find humans inconsistent and confusing and I’m always unsure if they are going to be friendly or harmful.

Yes, it sounded exactly like a tornado that went by you from your description. I was reading today about significant rain coming to eastern Australia and that there’s been a lot in central Australia too. I hope that really greens things up and maybe you will get some frogs after all.

It was largely the histamine intolerance affecting me as my body is so exhausted from wretching and endless reactivity to food. I had a second scan today following a mammogram. I now have to have a biopsy for possible breast cancer. I’m just so exhausted and felt so alone today. It may mean coming off the hormone meds all together. Reducing them has already led to breakthrough depression. I don’t want to return to the extreme distress I was in before. I see the hormone specialist on 9 October and will obviously discuss all this.

Tonight it helped patting fluffy cat. I have read several stories of pets sniffing out cancers in their owners. Tonight she kept stuffing her face into my left armpit which made me wonder if there’s an issue on that side. The radiology people tell you nothing except you need a biopsy, so I have to rely on cat diagnostics instead 😹 I’m just about to sit down for one more pat session before bed as fluffy cat is asking that of me with some meows 🥰

I hope you are going ok Paws. Feel free to let me know as I’ve just rabbited on about myself. I will now ensconce myself in a fur cloud with fluffy cat as it floats through the air. It’s most luxuriant fur.

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

Oh lass I wish I could give you a hug in real life, you sound so low.  Please "rabbit on" all you need, I'm here to listen, you are trying to deal with so much right now.

Lass I could tell you of all the women I personally know who have had breast cancer & have made a full recovery, but I realise that won't really help right now as the possibility of such a diagnosis is still scary  however logically we try to think otherwise.  

Please don't stress over the possibility of having to come off the hormone meds as there are a variety of antidepressants that could be prescribed to help.  In fact it might be better for you if it helps with the histamine issues you have being on the hormone meds.  

How wonderful for you that your dad found himself able to tell you that he loved you, that must be a treasured memory for you.  It must have made things so hard for you growing up if your parents never told you that they loved you.  Though knowing my parents loved me didn't make things easier growing up as the way they expressed it was usually in a negative punitive way.

I'm still sleeping silly amounts of time.  It isn't enabling me to make positive changes. The only positive at the moment is I am still writing in my journal.

Big 🐻 hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Thank you Paws 🙏😊

I felt better since yesterday and already coming to terms with the possibility of breast cancer. My mum had it so I’m familiar with the process involved if it is that. The last two nights fluffy cat has insisted on pawing the left side of my chest so firmly it hurts. So I have to discourage her and then she buries her head in my left armpit and purrs. I’ve heard of dogs sniffing out the location of cancers in humans by pushing their nose into the spot. So I googled if cats have been known to do this. I found an article about a cat who repeatedly pawed his owner in what was the site of her subsequently diagnosed breast cancer. So it’s unnerving fluffy cat is doing this but fascinating at the same time. I obviously hope it isn’t a cancer, but kudos to fluffy cat if she has performed a clinical diagnosis. Imagine if we had to go to hospital and all the doctors were cats and dogs in a white coats and wearing a stethoscope 😂

The onset of severe anxiety and depression is rapid with hormonal depletion which is what is scary for me. Not all antidepressants help hormonal depression and some make it worse, so it will be a case of researching that which doesn’t. I think my hormone specialist doctor will be the most knowledgeable about that. Some of them also make histamine intolerance worse, including some of the main ones. I’m on a lower dose of an old type of antidepressant for pain which I’ve noticed even seems to calm the histamine issue at night when I take it. In the higher doses I was previously on it was sedating and causing some other side effects. So it will be a balancing act whatever I do.

I understand what you mean about love coming in the form of negative, punitive actions. I think there was a time where this tough love was seen to be what love is and what is meant to be imparted to children. I think previous generations had it tough in many ways too, so the toughness required to survive is directed into child rearing. I think it can be reassuring to know that parents often had good intentions, even if the delivery of those intentions was not as nurturing as it could have been.

Paws, have any doctors ever been helpful in understanding the amount your body is sleeping? Could it even be partly meds that are contributing? Certainly meds can have a drowsy effect. And of course emotions can too such as all you’ve been through recently with your sister. I imagine you would like to feel a bit more spritely. I wonder are there any patterns you can detect from what you are writing in your journal? Is there a part of the day where energy goes up or down? Sometimes I find some detective work can be helpful in getting an idea of what might be happening.

In any case, go gently and don’t be hard on yourself for the sleeping. Clearly your body is deciding this is what it feels the need to do. I hope you have a lovely day. It was beautiful yesterday here and is going to be today as well. It’s forecast to be 28 but dropping down to 18 and rain tomorrow.

Hugs 🤗

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

Wouldn't it be wonderful if all the hospitals were staffed by dogs & cat doctors, their bedside manners would be much nicer than the human doctors & a friendly snuffle from a wet nose would brighten any patients day.

I know my excess sleeping is an avoidance/distress response triggered by my irrational thought processes/delusions/paranoia which itself was triggered by my sister passing.  I've been through episodes of this before & how long each series lasts can vary wildly.  Not having a psychologist/psychiatrist to see may mean this series will last for some time.  At least these days being on medication means even if I'm struggling to control this response I at least am aware that my thoughts processes are irrational & that should stop me spiralling into a dark place.  If at any time I feel it is getting worse I will speak to my GP.  It is bizarre though, having one part of my mind recognising my thoughts aren't realistic, while the other part thinks them true.

Did they give you any idea how long you will have to wait to get the biopsy done?  I hope it is soon as not knowing is often worse than knowing.  

Your 28 degrees (in September!!!) is the stuff of nightmares. 🤣  The cold snap has arrived & it is a balmy 9 degrees here as I type.  No rain yet & none expected before Sunday when hopefully there will be some good falls.  

Hugs & pats

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Paws,

I’m so sorry you have these episodes of the avoidance/distress response. It must be hard not knowing when it will alleviate. I know I can go down if my freeze response is triggered and I’m basically immobile for long periods. Sometimes I’ve been able to drag myself out to my favourite place by the ocean and as hard as it is to get there I always feel better afterwards. I wonder if there is a nature place nearby that you feel a connection with that might help in a similar way? I wish I could visit you for a cuppa and a chat. I know a friendly interaction with another person helps me to kind of rebalance and feel much more ok again.

If you had a good internet connection it would be possible to do psych sessions via Telehealth. That is how I do mine and it’s so easy not even having to leave home. I don’t know if your GP would have any ideas about psychs who work in your regional area, but I realise it may be quite a drive to see someone and it may not be something you feel up to at times. Also, when it comes to psychologists and psychiatrists it’s essential to have someone who is a really good fit, so you would definitely want to opt for someone you felt a connection with to work with.

When my hormones started collapsing in October 2022 I started to experience a part of myself become really irrational and feel out of control while my rational brain could observe this was happening. So I have a sort of perhaps similar experience. At its worst I’ve had no option but to curl up in a ball in bed for hours at a time. Starting hormone therapy it just went away and I could function again. I’m now losing that a little with the reduction in medication and having bouts of breakthrough distress throughout the day. I have no idea if hormones are playing any role for you but I know you’ve had other past challenges that can all be quite impactful. I imagine some animal time would be helpful. Fluffy cat is very calming and balancing for me.

My biopsy is now scheduled for 11 October, so fairly soon. It will be good to have it done and know one way or another what’s going on. I went into the city today. Not feeling the best but it was interesting to walk around a bit. Perth CBD feels so completely different to Melbourne CBD. It has a brighter, more spacious, airy feeling. Melbourne feels like a huge, dense metropolis by comparison. Yet I feel very at home in the CBD of Melbourne, I think more so than in Perth. It’s weird and I’m not sure where my home is at the moment.

I’m about to go down and look at the ocean before sunset. I know that will be good for me. Cloud is starting to come over heralding the weather change we are getting tomorrow. It’s certainly much colder where you are Paws! I hope you are keeping nice and cosy.

Take good care and sending you a warm hug,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

Thankfully I am well past menopause & the hormonal issues that come with peri-menopause.  I didn't get the brain fog or emotional issues many women get with peri-menopause & as I have always had issues with regulating my body temp the hot flushes were in a way just more of the same.  The only real problem I had during peri-menopause was that the migraines I had monthly or bi-monthly from starting puberty increased in frequency & duration.  I definitely don't miss that.   

There are very few psychologists & almost no psychiatrists within one hours drive of me.  Most have their books closed to new patients or don't offer any reduction to pensioners for the high fees they charge.  I did start seeing a psychologist when I moved here, but she spent the most of each appointment talking about her spiritual beliefs & trying to convince me to follow them.  Which is probably why she had appointments free as I don't think I was the only one who found her more than unhelpful.  You're right my internet isn't good enough for Telehealth. There is a small public mental health unit in the big town I go to, but they only deal with patients in crisis & at risk.  If I think I'm worsening beyond what I can work through myself (with help from helplines) I would consider trying to get in to see one of the high fee doctors for a time until I was more stable.

Delusional thoughts & paranoia are something I've been troubled with since I was in primary school.  Back then I used to hide under my bed.  I'm sure not having a furry housemate isn't helping as I have always found being with animals grounding.  

Today was a bright & warm spring day in the high teens & I think tomorrow will be the same.  What a change from yesterday.  

How strange that you feel more at home in Melbourne.  I would have thought that being used to the big skies of WA you would be drawn to a more open airy city like Perth.  Plus as I remember Perth has amazing beaches & a lovely river with lots of wildlife.  Though I may be biased as I hate crowded places & Perth when I was there 40 odd years ago, was more like a friendly country town.

Pats to Fluffy Cat & hugs for you

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws,

Fluffy cat says thank you 🐱🤗 She really is the most darling cat with such a sweet nature. She’s just started zoomies at the moment 😹 I’m sure some fur time would be great Paws. I wonder if there is any equine therapy near you? I did a session of equine therapy that’s about 45 min from where I live. It was good and I have thought of trying again. There is no Medicare rebate though unless done with a psychologist. I agree, animals are so grounding.

I’m glad your migraines have disappeared. Mine definitely have a hormonal component and started at 13. My mum’s migraines stopped in menopause so I’m really hoping for the same.

It’s a good thing you didn’t continue with that psychologist. They are meant to be attuning to you and who you are, not imposing their belief system. I’ve had several therapy attempts that were poor, but also a couple that were kind of hilarious. I thought they might be amusing stories to tell.

I had wanted to try a particular somatic approach. The first person I tried was a body worker trained in this approach, but I assumed there would be some kind of talking involved. There was not. On arrival I was ushered via hand gesture into a room. I sat down expecting her to speak and introduce herself. She did not. So I tried to introduce myself and say why I was there. With each thing I said she made a sound that I think was meant to indicate empathy but the best way I can describe it was it sounded like a constipated chicken. Each time I spoke, this sound would emanate from her. It made me squirm internally and I just wanted to run out of the room. Needless to say I didn’t go back for another session.

In the second bizarre experience I turned up to the place and was told to wait outside at the front. It was in front of a section of lawn which I noticed was covered in dog poo. I tried not to judge but was surprised you would leave that much dog poo in front of where clients wait. Then she called me in. There was a stench inside best described as rotting vegetables combined with sewerage. She took me upstairs to a room with dark grey walls and a small high up window. She did a somatic approach different to the one I was interested in. I had to lie on a massage table while she held my ankles and asked me to visualise and go to my “safe place”. This wasn’t easy with the smell from downstairs emanating upstairs. I tried to explain it was affecting me. She opened the window but then got annoyed by workmen talking outside so closed it again. She then suggested we do a walking meditation to help me get into the right state of consciousness. I followed her downstairs, highly skeptical by now. She guided me to the front lawn and tried to talk me through the meditation as she got me to walk on it, interspersed with the comment, “just look out for the dog poo”, which I did my best to avoid 🤣 I feel I could write a book about the odd therapy encounters I’ve had.

Perth is absolutely a beautiful city. The Swan River I’m sure is a healthier ecosystem than the Yarra and much bigger. I appreciate everything here so much, yet I get a kind of empty feeling in the city. In Melbourne the city feels warm and inclusive and people seem to be free to be themselves. Of course it’s a limited perspective of mine as a visitor, but I just feel comfortable there. When my mum came to Perth in the 60s it was smaller than Adelaide. Now it’s twice the size of Adelaide. To me Adelaide definitely feels like a big country town and Melbourne a metropolis. Perth is sort of in between I guess.

 
Fluffy cat sends kind, gentle meows and fluffy cuddles your way and warm hugs from me too 🤗

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

Oh my you have had some bizarre therapy visits haven't you.  I have to say "constipated chicken" is a brilliant description 🤣 I can almost hear her.  As for the dog poo!!!... my first thought "health & safety???"  then I worried about the poor dog.  Thank you for the chuckle.  

I was thinking after writing my last post where it had been 40 years since I last saw Perth, It must be a good 30+ years since I have been in to Melbourne City itself.  I've been to some of the suburbs including some of the inner ones, but not the central city part.  It has probably changed out of all recognition from how I remember it, as I know the suburb I used to live in has changed massively in the 10 years since I left.

I had a literal laugh out loud moment today, courtesy of a silly post on facebook.  The insurance company had asked them to provide a drawing of how the accident happened & they drew seeing a deer looking shocked through their windscreen.  It was a poor drawing (about my level which is in the 6 year old skill set) but there was something about the deer's face that as I scrolled & saw it I just laughed out loud.  I can't remember the last time I laughed like that.  

My neighbour has cattle in his paddock again... yayyy!!   They are a mix of breeds & all young bulls so boisterous & silly.  I love that my lounge window is so close yet they don't see me & so don't get spooked.   One of them is currently eating the new growth on my tree that it can reach, I'm happy to share.  

I hope that with all the cat cuddles you are getting you are feeling a bit brighter & managing to keep food down.  

Hugs

Paws