Some days are diamonds

[Stephen123]

Why is it some days I feel like I,m right on top of the old black dog and other days I can feel the little bugger nipping at my heels again. I just don,t have the energy nor the drive to do anything today. There are a thousand things I could be doing but I just can,t do them. 20 years! I,ve had enough of this, I don,t mean I want to end it all or anything. I,ve just had enough of this numb feeling. I crave to be happy joyful, interactive with the kids. Sometimes all I do is lie here in self misery unable to get up. 

Depression, where did you come from? Why do you take evil form? Alcohol, pokies. Why have you dragged me down for 20 years? Will I ever beat you? Why are you known by so many labels? Why won,t you leave me alone ? so that I can live a normal healthy productive life! You creep into my heart and soul and twist an evil blade. Damn you depression, damn you to hell where you belong. I am beating you, I will defeat you one day and I will lead a positive productive life. You have me today depression but not for long, the kids come home soon and you,ll be banished to the cupboard under the stairs again. You might pop your head out tomorrow but I might not be here, I might be in the garden or at the beach where you can,t find me.

sorry for rambling I just needed to vent.

[Jo3]

Hi Stephen

I understand totally what you're saying.  Depression sucks big time!!! 

 But you are doing great, you are on here seeking support and giving so much advice to me and others, keep it up.

Shove that depression in the cupboard and lock it with a key!!!!

 Have a nice day tomorrow

Jo

[Stephen123]

Thanks Jo I needed that!

[geoff]

dear Stephen, damn depression.

You make a comment which worries me 'the kids come home soon and you,ll be banished to the cupboard', and by saying this, and sorry mate, is that what you have said indicates to me that you are still pretending to be happy, I really hope that I am wrong, because this is exactly how I reacted when my sons came home.

Your PTSD is still haunting you, just like my new psychologist believes that I am still suffering from it.

He says this because I told him that I don't mind visiting people, which I do, because I can leave when ever I want to, in contrast to people coming to my home, in which I have no control on when they leave, so maybe I feel trapped.

I still have my off days, and I think that's to be expected when you have had depression, sure other people also have their off days, but there's is different, because after depression it's always a worry that we are going to fall back into it, anyway on my off days the old fake face appears again. Geoff.

[Neil_1]

Hi Stephen

On here no one ever needs to apologise, so please vent all you want.  It’s great to be able to air our thoughts and get them down … kind of a therapy in itself.  “Thank you Beyond Blue”.

I hear all the words you’ve written below and with some, only too well … I started writing and thought that I had other insightful things to put down, but looking through your message, it just rings so true and all I can say is that I agree with what you’ve written except for one thing.  We don’t have a cupboard underneath our stairs!  Oh and it’s a 2 hour drive for me to the nearest beach.

Apart from that, it’s very sad to say, but you’re not on your own and I really hope for you today (and perhaps even this weekend) that the black mongrel will stay in your cupboard underneath the stairs and you can have a little bit of time with out.

Cheers

Neil

[Yves]

Hi Stephen,

I had to reply to your post, you remind me so much of my Dad. His name was Stephen too, and he loved the beach as well. He suffered severe depression, and had bad days just like you do.

Sadly he lost his battle 13 years ago.

It's so great to hear that you make an effort for your children, I know it can be hard, children don't always understand why Dad seems distant sometimes, or why it's so important to give affection back when you do reach out,  but just know that it means a lot to them, and if they understood what you were going through they would support you all the more.

You've done a great thing by talking about how you feel. People like us are always going to have sucky days, but just remember, no matter what you tell yourself, you are not alone, and people love you.

Take care Stephen

[Mares73]

Stephen you describe the reality of the darkness of depression so well. I have to say that you are always so thoughtful of others and your words have helped me many times. So thank you for being you. And I know your feeling troubled and overwhelmed by the "black dog" and nothing I can say will make it go away. All I wanted to say was that you have a lead for that dog somewhere and I hope you find it soon. You are a very special person. In my thoughts. Mares

[Stephen123]

I can,t thank you guys enough for all your kind, supportive uplifting words. Beyond blue is a very good community with very good people at its heart. Thankyou again for those beautiful replies. I don,t feel alone.

[geoff]

dear Stephen, you know that it doesn't matter how people who respond are feeling, there is always a kind and affectionate side to all of you who do so.

Depression is put on hold for them all and then have the ability to understand and communicate with those needing the understanding, support and advice that they desperately require.

I often wonder how the many people who have contacted us months ago are feeling now, and some of them were suicidal, so it's a great concern for all of us.

Many of these people associated themselves with different responders, who helped them through their patch of depression as well as any suicide thoughts. Geoff.