Making Progress

[MaryG]

I have posted here a few times and really benefited from knowing that there are other people out there who will listen and sometimes respond if they think they can help by either giving me some advice or just sharing their own experiences. I've also found it hugely beneficial to listen and attempt to help others.

In the last week I feel like I have really turned a corner and I am feeling really quite good for the first time in a long time. I wanted to share some of this positive feeling and maybe help some of you understand that maybe there is a way to move forward and out of the hole and stop yourself from falling back in.

If you don't know or can't remember my story; after probably many years of depression (untreated except for self medication with alcohol) and then a significant downwards spiral in the last three years, I am now taking an SNRI, seeing a psychologist weekly, and I have given up alcohol completely. I have an extremely supportive and loving husband, and he and my amazing GP have been instrumental in helping me to get the help I need.

Through my psych visits I have begun to understand a lot about myself and how I have learnt to deal with life since childhood by blocking and actually not dealing with anything and hoping that problems will go away. Then I typically feel guilty that I haven’t dealt with a problem and that although I want to deal with it and tell myself I should, I worry that I will say or do the wrong thing and end up never saying or doing anything. This compounds I guess and makes me feel useless and stupid and weak. I am a perfectionist particularly in my work and my fear of failure is also a big factor.

I am very slowly now finding that I can identify some of the triggers that set me off into the self hatred, self doubt, fear, anxiety and depression. In fact I had my first experience of this the other evening and I experienced such an epiphany. Wow! I thought...I need to let this go. I thought is this a problem I can or am willing to do anything about? No...well move on. And I did. I'm 48 years old and it's time to understand what I can and can’t do and accept that there are some things that I don’t need to beat myself up over. This is me, in this body right now. (thanks mindfulness)

It’s early days, but this one experience has left me with such a different outlook on my life. Yesterday a work colleague made a comment to me that I heard as “you’re useless and the job you do isn't as important as mine” He didn't actually say that, but in my self critical head it’s what I heard. I thought I need to let this go. I returned to my desk and I took a few minutes to look at some photos of my family and an artwork I have been working on and thought about all the things I am really very good at and I let it go. 

Having said all that I woke this morning feeling quite tired and anxious and it isn't obvious to me why this is. I have been feeling so engaged and happy this last week. My psych says that there is a big neuro-biological side to all this and it takes a while to “rewire” the brain. It’s not just all thoughts, a lot is chemical especially because of the alcohol abuse. Again I guess I need to accept this and not beat myself up for failing to be well all the time. Easy to intellectualise, not so easy to do. 

So anyway that’s how I am today still struggling a little, but feeling that there is definitely hope and it’s worth fighting for a better life.

Mary

[geoff]

dear MaryG, did you say turn the corner, WHOW, your mindset has changed so much since you came onto this site, and as I have been saying to you that I am so proud of you to have turned the corner.

Even your logic and writing shows the clarity of your mind, and now you can rationalise and understand the change that has happened, and this is the important part, that you understand.

Mary print this letter off before it's lost in the massive amount of comments, it's beautiful, but please keep in touch. L Geoff. x

[MaryG]

Thanks Geoff,

you're very kind! Still feeling quite anxious today but I am trying very hard to keep my head above water. I read something recently that anxiety is the tap on the shoulder to tell you something important is coming and be ready for it. Not the exact quote but something like that. I totally get that concept, and it's exactly how this feels. It's like I'm right on the edge of the black hole and if I'm not prepared and aware I can easily get sucked back in again. I don't like the anxiety, but maybe it's not all bad if it gives me some advanced warning. I've never really thought of it that way before. Writing things down really helps sometimes to sort out my head!

I hope you are well,

Mary 🙂