Sex Addiction

[KazumiMatakashi]

It's not easy to say this... In fact, I don't even know where to start or where it all started. 
Usually it's the men that get addicted to sex, while women get addicted to love, attention and affection. 
Usually addictions are a way to fill a void and start as simple coping mechanisms...
But somehow I found myself trapped in a loop and I am suffocating and can't break free!
As child I was exposed to sexual violence, neglect and abuse. I was raised without a father, by a mother that never accepted me and never shown me any warmth... I started having sex very early. and by now I had sex with over 1000 men, only a handful of which I remember. I feel empty, isolated and cold like a shipwreck... I am torn between craving true love, emotions and warmth, and between needing my fix. And the cycle repeats - I get drunk or high, I open the door to a new man - I ask them questions at all... I want to stop, but I feel like I can't. 

[Croix]

Dear KazumiMatakashi~

I'd like to give you a warm welcome here to the Forum. I suspect your post was a hard one to write, and the decision to write it harder.

You write as an intelligent thinking person and I'm sure you would put down a great deal of how you are now to your abusive and loveless childhood. A huge injury that can last an awful long time.

Of course you "feel empty, isolated and cold like a shipwreck" and of course you have that very human "craving true love, emotions and warmth". 

I"m not a doctor so I'm hesitant to say much other than it is possible it is a coping mechanism the got out of hand. While you may feel sexual activity is ruening your life please remember that there is an awful lot more to you than just that - you have all the strengths inside you to offer someone a great partnership and you should not give up on that idea

I guess the obvious way forward is to obtain therapy from a psychologist or psychiatrist who is familiar with or specializes in compulsive sexual behavior. The situation is not irretrievable  and you have a strong desire to change things, that would stand you in good stead

Please do feel you can come here and talk some more

Croix

[divine_inner_goddess]

Hello KazumiMatakashi, 

I imagine that it would have taken a lot for you to write your post. I'm so sorry to hear that you were exposed to sexual violence, neglect and abuse as a child. That's awful. And it makes sense that you have been craving true love, emotions and warmth. It's a basic human need. And one that was missing from your childhood.  

I can also imagine that you might feel a lot of shame about the cycle of sex that you find yourself in. But, please know that there is nothing to be ashamed of. You are a human being who has suffered greatly in childhood, and you are trying to get your needs met in whatever way you can. Telling your story here is the first step to breaking down the feeling of shame. I hope it has helped you in some way to share on the forum. 

As Croix said, it would probably be a good idea to seek help from a professional, perhaps one who specialises in compulsive sexual behaviours. There are also services that offer free counselling for victims of, or who have witnessed, sexual violence. I am not sure if that feels appropriate for you, but I just thought I would mention it. I have used a service like this before and it was enormously helpful. The counsellor that I had was very caring and supportive. And she was specifically trained in sexual assault counselling. We are not allowed to give advice on the forum, but I just wanted you to know that there are services out there that can help you. 

It sounds like you really want to change. And that is a very brave thing to do. You are already well on the way. You have identified what the behaviour is that you want to change. You have linked it back to what you experienced as a child. And you are reaching out here on the forum. You are doing great!!  

Sending you lots of kindness and care, 

dig

[KazumiMatakashi]

Thank you, Croix,

I have nowhere else to take this. No one else to talk to. I just feel that my addiction is physical as much as it is mental, psychological and emotional. Women would think I am exaggerating or seeking attention - or would undermine what I feel claiming that it's very easy to stop. But is drinking easy to stop? Is smoking easy to stop? Or gambling or hard drugs? - Men just find it cool that I am always "on" - they don't seem to get the pain and complete emptiness and self hate and loneliness or traumas that led me to this. I am isolated and have no one to talk to... I am alone in the world with no family, I have no close friends, I have lived through abuse and seen a lot of death and torture in my life all on my own. And sex was my only way to get some temporary comfort in someone else's arms. I want to break free from this cycle... but I can't see the way out. 

[KazumiMatakashi]

Thank you so much, dig. This support helps me feel better and gives me hope. 

[Sophie_M]

Hi KazumiMatakashi,
Please remember that we are here for you, anytime you would lke to reach out. We're available 24/7 by phone on 1300 224 636, via email or webchat.
https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support
Please know that there is specialised support out there for you, and our mental health professionals can provide you with some options.
Take really good care of yourself, and I'm glad you have the support of our wonderful forum community.
Warm regards,
Sophie M.
 

[divine_inner_goddess]

I am so glad to hear that KazumiMatakashi. Please reach out to the counsellors on here by chat or phone, as Sophie M suggested. They can point you in the right direction to get the help that you need, in the area that you live in. 

Best wishes, 

dig 

[Val-Chris]

Hey Kazumi, I know you posted this 2 weeks ago but I wanted to pinch in my two cents because I am new here and I am going through every forum to read other people's stories but also because I can relate to you in some way. 

I grew up without my dad in my life, too, and I honestly have hated him my whole life because it truly has altered my relationships with men in a very negative/toxic way. Although my mum had to step up to be the father figure and I am thankful for her, I still struggle with intimate relationships, so you are definitely not alone in this world even if you feel like you are. 

I think since you did not experience love, safety, and acceptance in your childhood by those around you, the only thing you knew to seek is sex to fill in that void from your childhood, and no child deserves to go through that. I am so sorry that your caregivers could not give you these basic human needs but you can take this time to heal your body, soul, and mind through this forum, psychologist, and specialised counsellors which it will take time but we are all here to support you through your journey at any point. 

I hope this made you feel a little bit better, and I hope you are doing well. Please take extra care of yourself and be gentle to you. 

Hope to hear from you again :)) Sending you a big virtual hug!

Val