Some illnesses have a direct result of bad moods, snappy reactions, poor tone selection or it might even be a family trait- part of your personality.
Being on the receiving end of this isn’t fun. Yet again it’s a extreme response when we live in a world of extreme behaviour.
Some time ago my wife and I had to come to terms with this factor in our marriage whereby nearly daily we’d get upset by a comment the other had made. We both have depression and associated disorders. So we had a long chat that did not include blame or judgement. We had to acknowledge that as this issue had remained for several years, it was time for a new approach.
Justtrying to be nice all the time didn’t work. Our automatic responses were so inground from an early age, in ones early 60’s we weren’t going to change. The nasty reactions were going to stay. Next step…move on!
We tried laughing it off. It works sometimes. We tried, nope!
I came up with the idea that, when person A responds to person B in a course fashion and person B reacts in a sensitive way, then person B should if possible apologize straight away. There was a problem with this theory. What if person A doesn’t believe he/she was nasty or course or rude or whatever. Person A might well be reacting to a situation they had reacted all their lives- why apologise? It’s a big question.
I explained to my wife that such an apology was not to apologize for being “wrong”. It’s an apology for not intentionally hurting person B. That such an apology, quick, direct and caring/loving would defuse the situation. A hug and touch- is gold.
That to implement this procedure we, only the two of us, would agree that our apologies were uniquely used. Apologies in the conventional manner is to admit fault which for us isn’t ideal as it sets off other triggers. The cycle of A hurts B unintentionally, A apologises and feels guilty and hurt also, B feels better having been vindicated but bad because A is now hurt, B pleads with A that he didn’t mean it, A pleads she didn’t mean it and so on. This can ruin a whole day or more of your precious life, a merry go round of pain..
The words “sorry” or “I apologise” is, for us meant to sooth and because of our ultra sensitivity its used in a tailor made fashion. It’s like saying sorry to heal in a way the word was meant to be used but we both use it in our own way- like, I wasn’t necessarily wrong but I’m sorry you got hurt…I love you ok”!
Abnormal minds need unique remedies.
TonyWK
