Sensitive beyond reasonable

[white knight]

It’s been 7 years now since I was correctly diagnosed with bipolar 2, depression, dysthymia and dwindling anxiety. For 7 years prior to that I’d taken medication for an incorrect diagnosis of bipolar 1 and ADHD.

The two ongoing symptoms that remain the most and affect me daily are- ultra sensitivity and temperamental mood. Look at me sideways at the wrong moment and the day is ruined. The thing that keeps me so positive is that all the other symptoms are being managed well, the cycle of upset emotions, paranoia, anger, manic mind of doing everything fast and unacceptable behaviour usually seen with over reaction to others.

I can recall years ago if driving on a highway at the speed limit, someone passing me comfortably like 20-30 kph more would result in my flashing my lights, waving out the window etc and pity them if they stopped at a traffic light up the road!!! It took me many years to move on from my first wife’s behaviour, the pre judgemental behaviour of my friends and family. Yeh, I’ve changed and settled well but I still live on a tightrope.

My anxiety was the worst in 1987 but it was present since my young age. I got treatment and have to say that there is no clear sign of anxiety now apart from adrenalin and excitement- normal levels.

Being temperamental cant be easy to live with. My wife puts up with a lot but our marriage is strong. I hate myself when I upset her and want to be someone else. I'm not entirely happy within my own skin. I don't like how I react and talk without thinking.

I feel that sensitivity is inground, an automatic response mechanism that is not possible to eradicate. The feeling of immediate upset when someone says the wrong thing (in my eyes) is like a chemical reaction, a tingle in my brain that almost results in immediately crying. I refrain from crying though but did all the time when young.

I’m wondering if any of you feel the same or you feel your partner is similar and what you do to limit your sensitivity and moods?

Tony WK

[blondguy]

Hi Tony WK

You really have an innate gift in the way you articulate yourself. I agree with you 100% I also am not happy within my own skin and have always been way too sensitive in nature...overly so.I also have a crappy habit of over-reacting to situations where I know I shouldn't. I guess I am aware of it though...its the people that arent aware of their over-reacting that scare me.

I really felt like I was reading about myself reading your post Tony. Its like a mirror...if you know what I mean..I have handpicked something that I thought was right on target;

"I feel that sensitivity is inground, an automatic response mechanism that is not possible to eradicate" Well said Tony WK. Exactly!

I actually think its in our DNA before day1.

Another Great Topic and thankyou

Paul

[pvroom]

I get told I am too sensitive all the time but like you said it's not that easy to control. In my case, trying to be able to be mindful helps a bit, trying to catch my reaction but it's not easy at all. As I've gotten older I'm finding it easier. Also, the less busy I am, the more able I am to see how I'm feeling and try to manage it better. None of this is that helpful sorry, but good topic!

[blondguy]

Tony WK/pvroom

Hey Tony....pvroom is so very right and self aware and will quote pvrooms comment;

"the less busy I am, the more able I am to see how I'm feeling and try to manage it better"

I will be saving that one for 'my coping folder'

Thankyou PV

Kind Thoughts

Paul

[pvroom]

Glad to help Paul!

[blondguy]

Hey pvroom/Tony WK

You have not only helped me but all the members (and people that choose not to post) as well...I probably always be over sensitive pv but thats a very simple yet effective way to articulate a great coping mechanism 🙂

[white knight]

Hi guys,

yes this is helping me also greatly.

I cant stop being busy. I'm not manic like I use to be, but I am always finding things to do. when I am on a major project like building our caravan recently I was at it for 16 hours a day or more 7 days a week. It had to be done- period.

Then when finished I was bored so went to look for firewood and filled our area set aside up in no time. Engaging in BB forums is my relaxation time, but it is still being busy really.

I've noticed if I'm interrupted by my wife while busy then I get internally angry (sometimes externally also) and fume inside. This isn't fair on her. When we have visitors and I'm talking she tends to interrupt but I've thought about this...she isn't interrupting rudely, in fact she is engaging in conversation in a normal manner. It is an example of my intolerance for others due to mood (I think).

I am aware of many reasons for this. Like you Paul my upbringing whereby yelling from mother was the norm. I was always in trouble and couldn't not be in trouble. I have little patience but better than when younger. eg I have a car lined up to buy. Rather than going ahead and buying it in fear of it being sold, I'm waiting for the best interest rate on a small loan. I'll take my chances. When young I just had to have it.

I've been retired for 3 years now and its getting better. I take your point pvroom about being less busy so it will give me thinking time. I'll brainstorm my wife about that one now. 🙂

And yes Paul, this forum is very significant to our growth

Tony WK

[blondguy]

Hey Tony

What a long day here in southern vic. The sensitivity or in my case overly sensitive is a handicap to me and my life which thanks to you it has become 'clearer'. Even with my dad being the way he is. My mum is a very kind and sensitive soul at 85...bless her heart.

I do wish I was retired like yourself and am trying as my depression is kicking my butt right now Tony. I think my days in the big league(corporate) are over. Its not a defeatist mentality just a realistic one.

I have been over extending myself a lot down south and caring for some very ill and very young people (not on the forums) and I may well be losing whats left of my marbles...but I have been trying to find a reference to your last comment " And yes Paul, this forum is very significant to our growth" Like I mentioned I am very tired and I can seem to find where I wrote that.

If you could enlighten me that would be a bonus 🙂

Thankyou Tony

Kind Thoughts

Paul

[white knight]

Hi Blondeguy

Paul, it was a comment from me simply about the bigger picture of the benefits of this thread and others you have replied to, nothing specific.

Your work with others you mentioned should be monitored and adjusted depending upon your changing ability to cope. We are like plasticine in mood and sensitivity, so should our commitments to others needs. Ebb and flow, ebb and flow.

Saying goodbye to your career at your age isn't being defeatist, in fact it is likely realistic. All things come to an end and if we see a different future over the rise then that could be a new light. I've been retired 3 years in August and I still yearn for that part of my identity (working as a PI), the excitement, the accomplishments and although I've replaced such work with interests like building our own caravan, gardening and so on it doesn't 'cut the mustard'. But that's the way it is. I know I'm too fragile to return to work so that has to be accepted.

If my narc mother wasn't so much in denial and continuously destructive within our family my sister and I would have not rejected her form our lives. We are kind and helpful to others. But when someone doesn't change, in fact hones her skills to a far worse effect upon her children then the decision has to be made.

My youngest daughter (23yo) has visited 3 times in the last 8 weeks. After years of staying away. The first time she came she wanted to vent and one thing that surprised me was her statement that my yelling at her as a child caused her great fear. I knew I yelled but that was normal for our family...our DNA. So I looked at her and said "I understand how terrible fear has been for you. Even though it is normal behaviour for my family members to yell at others as part of their every day persona, I'm sorry I yelled. I hope you forgive me and you are ok". She got a little emotional and thanked me. Issue buried, we moved on.

When parents and friends take that attitude towards others that have been hurt, you often can work it all out. but when in denial with a total ownership of you like a piece of property and the old fashioned narc attitudes of "you are my child, you will carry out my demands" it cant work out. The only option is to reject. When rejecting a narc IMO one needs to do it forever. Return to their lives and it will soon return to how it used to be.

Tony WK

[Just Sara]

Hi Tony WK, Paul and pvroom; I don't get on BB as much as I used to and try to stick with the 'staying well' threads. This one has bought me to tears...speaking of sensitive.

I've battled my whole life with overwhelming emotions. When I was little, I tried to voice my feelings as best as I could, but there were times I was either punished, berated or humiliated for it.

When I was 4 or 5, I had crawled behind the lounge and was crying deeply hugging my big teddy bear. My mother pulled out the lounge and me with it. She asked sarcastically; "So what's wrong with you?" I said through the tears ever so softly; "Nobody loves me" Her reply was; "Oh for God's sake!!" Then grabbed my little sister's hands and danced around the lounge room singing; "Nobody loves me, everybody hates me, think I'll go eat worms. Fat ones, skinny ones, long ones, short ones, ones that squiggle and squirm." (laughing hysterically with my sister)

I never understood my shock (frozen) or what it meant, but a week later I took that teddy bear into the shed and burnt it to a crisp with some matches I found. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to realise what I felt. But rejection and facetious replies infuriate me and at the same time, make me afraid and small.

I've tried over the years to express to people how I feel when they hurt me. Mostly they go away and don't come back, or they talk behind my back and lie to avoid accountability. In the workplace it was disgraceful.

So your comments about feeling safe in your own skin, hit a very deep nerve for me. These days I can't be bothered telling people anything. I'm the one who walks away instead. Difficult with family; but I need to protect myself somehow.

Hmm...feeling a little sensitive now actually. As usual, my childhood hold so many secrets and painful moments.

Dizzy x