See-Saw, Marjorie Door - Finding the middle of the proverbial stick

[Just Sara]

I recently posted on 2 threads re self love and self-esteem; wonderful topics and worthy of our community's agenda.

Something I wrote sparked some thought this morning about balance and what this means. I have an analogy I use for this school of thought; a long stick with positive on one end and negative on the other. I guess it's like a see-saw. Playing on one of these growing up meant going up and down was fun, but when each stood still and the plank held steady so both had their feet on the ground, things were balanced.

For most of us on here, we tend to find a counter balance for every good thought we have, be it big or small. eg. I did a great job cleaning the house this morning, it looks great! Rebuff - Mum's coming over today; she'll pick my work to pieces. That's what I thought balance was.

This is how we see-saw from one extreme to the other. It might have been fun physically as a child, but in our minds, there's just one person controlling the balance. So we run from one end to the other trying to play this game alone, then exhaustion and low mood sets in.

I chose the pseudonym 'Dizzy' because I had a duality of thoughts constantly going back and forth trying to find this sense of balance, but all I got was dizzy. Mind boggling confusion and each day was 'up and down'. I'd been playing both roles...me and 'them'.

This morning I remembered what I used to do when I didn't have anyone to play with on the see-saw. I'd sit in the middle and shift my weight to make it move. It wasn't as good as playing with anyone else, but it created movement none the less, just not as drastic as the level created by two. It also meant I had total control.

I wrote a list of all my accomplishments in my life and thought about how I really wanted others to validate those. Looking at the list I told myself to let go of wanting to have someone else to play with and look at it from a place of control and self support.

Wow...I've done some great things in my life! Understanding there's just me to look at my list, I didn't need a counter balance. There were so many positive things, finding negative ones was just too hard; you know...running to the other end of the see-saw.

Just sharing my thoughts...can you relate?

Please try this and let me know how you go...Dizzy xo

[Doolhof]

Hi Dizzy,

Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us.

Validation can be very interesting. In my life, I think I have wanted acknowledgement and validation from my Mum. Usually that never happened. It hurt as a child, as an adult I realise my Mum has enough issues of her own.

There was one friend whom I used to put on a pedestal as well and when I did not hear from that person I was devastated.

It took me years to realise how much I was relying on others to help make me happy. I have also been told that can be part of Borderline Personality Disorder. So now I am aware of that, I try not to let those thoughts disturb and hurt me as much.

Most days I try to counter balance a not so pleasant experience with a good one. If something terrible happens, I try to find the good in it. Like when I had a flat tyre on a 44 degree day, I was thankful it happened close to home and I was able to call my husband to help me.

When I am having a lousy day, that is not always possible I admit. Negative can grow even more negative thoughts!

Thanks for an interesting post Dizzy!

Cheers from Mrs. Dools

[Just Sara]

Thanks for sharing Mrs D;

'Needing' validation from others is the problem. Especially for those of us who've had our self esteem damaged. Your idea of creating a not so bad issue out of your hot day flat tyre is a credit to you. It depicts my sentiment about sitting in the centre of the see-saw perfectly. Gently shifting the weight to bring back some calm and prospective to a situation.

Another thing you mentioned is the people we tend to put on a pedestal and seek feedback to feed our low self worth. This reminds me of who I chose to play with on the see-saw as a child. You know the one's who'd play up and down then jump off and let you crash to the ground with a thump! There've been countless people in my life who've done this to me over and over. I get it now - I get to 'choose' who I connect with and if they're worthy of 'me', not the other way around. You're correct in this respect.

Always a pleasure to hear from you Mrs D...Dizzy xo

[Doolhof]

Hi Dizzy and all,

I really like your analogy of the sea saw as explaining how life can be!

Today I joined a group of ladies for the first time for a Women's Fellowship. In the past I have not felt like I belonged in that group for one reason or another. It is all my own thoughts!

The ladies welcomed me and asked if I wanted to sign up to their group. I was very thankful for their invite and explained I popped in because I have a couple of weeks off work to recover after surgery. Usually I am working.

I made the effort to attend, walked in to the group boldly and felt accepted. It felt great!

The crashing tot he ground when on a sea saw is not good at all is it!

On the funny side of playgrounds, when we were kids, about 4 of us were on this metal half moon shaped sea-saw. We had it going at such a rate that the whole thing flipped over! I'm not sure if anyone was injured or not. It had been a joint effort, we just didn't expect the thing to flip all the way over!

Low self esteem can be a real bother can't it!

Cheers from Mrs. D

[White_Rose]

Hello Ladies

You both appear cheerful and well which is good to see. Dizzy I meant to reply to your first post but got distracted and didn't get back. Thank you both for your insights. Like Mrs D I like the see saw analogy. And yes, crashing down is a horrible experience. It was then and still is.

Why do we need to be affirmed by others? Intellectually I know this is not necessary, but I still find myself doing it. And it bugs me. Then of course I go crashing down because I have looked for this affirmation, bathed in the glow then suddenly realise what I have done, again. Of course this makes for another reason to beat up on myself. Found myself being very needy in the past few days, but I have recognised it for what it is. The issue is not going to get resolved for a couple of weeks so what better opportunity to keep wielding the big stick.

I think I will try and follow Dizzy's lead and remind myself of all the good things I can do and have done. Can I start with four great children?

Dizzy I have just read your post on love, or rather the several posts on love. Yes love is remarkable and amazing. To have that experience, to understand it and acknowledge it is such a soul healing moment. We can stick band aids on our cuts but really it's love that heals all our ills. Goodness me I'm getting all deep and meaningful. Probably need a cold shower.

Mrs D congratulations on joining, if only temporarily, a new group of people. It's lovely when you feel welcomed. I have been getting around a little more of late. An additional volunteer group which I also enjoy very much. Oh dear, I can feel my gremlins coming out to play. Better stand by to repel invaders.

Mary

[Just Sara]

Oh Mary it's so nice to hear from you!

Still self doubting lovely? Thankyou for your words of encouragement. The healing affects of love can be vast; especially when given to ourselves.

To quote one of our greatest song groups...the Beetles;

Nothing you can say that can't be sung

Nothing you can do that can't be done

Something you can say if you learn how to play the game...it's easy!

All you need is love...do do do do doo

All you need is love...do do do do doo

All you need is love, love

Love is all you need!

You are lovable, enough and a wonderful investment! The love you need (thankyou John Lennon) is within you. Learning to play the game means it's your game, not theirs. People are drawn to someone who loves and trusts themselves. I've always seen your inner beauty Mary...always. What you bring to our world is something (of great value) to give to yourself...sit in the middle of your see-saw instead of trying to counter balance the good or bad with major ups and downs. You know, the voices inside your head that represent how others have treated you. Find your own voice and send 'them' packing! Mwah!! (and hugs!)

Mrs D;

Aren't playgrounds a great metaphor for life? It is after all a place of growth and learning, to socialise and deal with all sorts of issues in groups or with individuals. Your moon shaped see-saw made me laugh out loud! I remember this type of dynamic too. Getting hurt is part and parcel of youth and learning what not to do as much as what to do that works.

It's wonderful you've joined a group! They're there for you as much as the other way around. I hope all goes well and you find what it is you're looking for.

Kind thoughts...Dizzy xo

[White_Rose]

Hello Dizzy

What a beautiful post. I'm... well I'm not sure. To hear such lovely things said about me is overwhelming. Thank you.

It is indeed love that makes the world go round. I would like to think our leaders will learn this some day but I'm not hopeful at the moment.

Yes I have come to the conclusion that playing the game is the way to be in charge. Sad really.

I love your see-saw. I remember standing in the middle of the see-saw, one leg each side of the centre and controlling the plank. As you say, gave a feeling of power.

Although it's just after lunch I am falling asleep at the computer. Picked up bug a couple of days ago. Basically OK now but still very tired. Talk later.

Mary

[Just Sara]

Hello Mary;

I'm sorry to hear you're suffering the winter bug; I've been experiencing coughing fits of late too.

One day I hope you can listen to lovely things about yourself and say; "oh thankyou, yes I am quite amazing!"

No...it's not conceited or arrogant...it's just perfeck!

Dizzy x

[Doolhof]

Hi Ladies and all reading,

Isn't this forum wonderfully amazing. Here we are, people from who knows where, going through a variety of "stuff" and being able to help, support, care for and uplift each other.

Like you mentioned Dizzy, life can be like a play ground. You can play by yourself or join in with others.

In this playground it doesn't matter if you are one of the "Cool kids" if you are tall or you are short. We are all here playing together or just sitting on the die lines watching, what ever we want to do.

I have never found loving myself to be easy, accepting myself is something I better cope with.

Mary, I too hope you are soon feeling better.

I'd like to shout out a huge "goodaye" to everyone in the playground. I hope you have an excellent time playing, getting to know each other, have fun laughing and squealing, even if you are just sitting watching others.

Anyone for the swings?

[Just Sara]

Hey Mrs D!

Weeeeeee.........Yes please!

Always loved the swings...I was fearless on them and could go so high I'd touch the sky...weeee...he he...lol

I remember a few years ago walking the dog and coming across some swings in a small park. I looked around to see who was watching and got on. Oh the sweet pleasure of that sneaky moment! My legs are a little longer now, but holding them up wasn't an issue. It bought a smile to my face indeed.

You're right too with using the playground metaphor on this site. As with kids in the park, we didn't have to know them to have fun; the more the merrier.

I must say though, it was the slippery dip that rocked my boat. At my pre-school it was so high; a big metal slide that seemed to be fraught with danger. It was my favourite place to escape going home with my Nan who would get angry because she couldn't climb up to get me. What a little tyke I was...he he

I loved running in and out of the bushes we had down the side and playing hide and seek. What a wonderful year it was. One of my favourite I'd say.

It's a shame kids today don't have the imagination of our era. These electronic devices have killed off a very important learning tool for adulthood; social contact and getting in touch with our bodies.

Thankyou Mrs D for the trip down memory lane...Dizzy xo