"You are not being reasonable"!

[white knight]

Ever been told that?

Being told that means it came from someone else right? Of course.

And you scratch your head, that thing that holds all of your low self esteem, guilt and that non productive thing called worry.

So what is reason? Or being reasonable?

Let's look at law to bring this into perspective.

As a jury member in a trial, you'll each be asked to find the defendant guilty or not guilty. To come to a result you have to base your decision of guilt based upon "beyond reasonable doubt".

That's it!. It is based on YOUR decision and the other 11 jurors collective findings of some point beyond reasonable doubt.

So if you follow me on this, being reasonable is a point defined by the individual. Everyone has a different dividing line of what reasonable is.

This point of reason can be a common area of conflict. Ever had an argument with a friend about your location as he/she holds the map upside down?. The conflict doesn't commence because the map isn't facing right way up, its because your friend is certain they are correct and because of that they refuse to (in your words to him/her) " BE REASONBLE"!!!! I AM RIGHT"!!!

In their eyes they are being reasonable...after all they have listened to you tell them the map is the wrong way up and discounted it. You on the other hand find them to be totally unreasonable for not taking your claims seriously.

So you argue. Then suddenly you look at the map...it wasn't upside down at all. In such a case it was you that wasn't reasonable by not confirming the map position.

Can you see that in this instance, being reasonable is a personal view of a situation that likely if in conflict, is based on your own individual judgement.

That example was to explain the complexities of human disagreements and why the claim of "you're not being reasonable" is used so often. Simply because you are not seeing a situation how someone else sees it.

So in times of conflict by trying to be reasonable means not just giving in and agreeing with the other party, but attempting to see why they think that way. Then if you still believe you are correct stick to your beliefs. Don't allow others to rule your right to your own decision making. I.e don't be too submissive.

However if you are proved wrong then apologise. That will mean you are fair and being fair is giving reason every chance of being present when it matters. ​

Tony WK

[Just Sara]

Hey Tony;

Interesting topic. I've read all posts and would like to add my view if that's ok.

I once read that during conflict we have a choice; try and 'win', allow the other to have their way because it's not really important in the scheme of things, or engage in a debate to find clarity or bring something out in the open. You're right Tony; being reasonable is subjective.

I have a vivid memory of watching tv when I was a teen. My mum came over and said something about the dolphin I was watching. I told her it was a Killer Whale. She argued and berated me for disagreeing with her then walked off. At the conclusion of the program I called out to her; "Look Mum!" She came over and I showed her the Program Name on the screen; 'The story of the killer whale' in block letters. It was a moment I knew I was right and could prove it. She looked at the tv, then said quite magnanimously; "It's a bloody dolphin!" then walked off.

Conflicting opinions are also about 'intent'. I never forgot this scenario; it proved to me that arguing with her was useless because she'd 'win' at any cost, even with her own young daughter. The truth or facts had nothing to do with it. So, growing up in my home was about power and always being on the losing side no matter what.

With age and experience, I tried several ways to feel empowered around her. In the early days I just let her have her way because this felt safer. But maturing and having my own child, I had to change to accommodate being a role model for him. So I asserted my opinion if I felt it was important. The first time I said "No' to her I thought she was going to throw herself out of the car!

Was my mother reasonable? Absolutely not! Could I have asked her to be reasonable? Absolutely not! Her need to win was more important than humility, integrity, empathy or reason.

I've had people say; "Why can't you just be reasonable about this?" This was always at times they wanted me to agree with them or do what they wanted me to do. It never really was about 'reasonable'. It was about winning and power.

From my end, feeling I was allowed to speak up for myself was more important. That to me is reasonable.

Cheers Dizzy x

[white knight]

Hi Dizzy

Your post made a lot of sense. Loved it.

Thankyou Tony WK

[Elizabeth CP]

The important thing you learnt as a child was that arguing with her was useless because she'd 'win' at any cost, even with her own young daughter. The truth or facts had nothing to do with it." In other words arguing with some people is a waste of time & effort. In other words pick your battles. If you know someone won't listen no matter what then they have lost not you. With a more reasonable person you can discuss things & both will gain understanding of each other's point of view . Dizzy your mum was on the losing side because she lost the chance to build a good relationship with her daughter & she lost the chance to gain more understanding by listening to others.

[white knight]

Great reply Elizabeth.

Tony WK

[Just Sara]

Thankyou Elizabeth;

When I left home as a teen, I tried to create routine's, habits etc that separated me from my family dynamics. It was difficult due to triggers and over the yrs I met many people like my mum. Anger was usually my first reaction, but I've learnt better communication styles now.

Being heard and validated is so important to me and rightly so. This thread is about being reasonable; as Tony says it's a subjective interpretation of a situation or conversation and desired outcomes. I don't think I've ever used that term with anyone. I guess I may have thought it, but it's usually when I'm not being heard.

You're also correct with my mum not cultivating a better relationship with me and this is her loss. But I also have to remember where she came from. Her childhood was a battle and very sad. I know this isn't an excuse, but we often talk about our own early days and the affect on us. It's the same with her.

I suppose this is my way of being reasonable and accepting she's flawed. I've learned good skills in protecting myself from her opinionated garbage, and this is the important thing.

Thanks again...Dizzy x

[white knight]

Hi dizzy

Re your last paragraph

Good. And answering her like "if you think so" is the best way. You aren't endorsing her but you are answering her.

Tony WK