"Normal people" will not understand

[white knight]

A phrase comes to mind- "Out of sight out of mind".

And so it is fact that a person with a "hidden" mental illness, hidden in terms of the actual physical abnormality in our brains, cannot be fully understood by those without one. Even the most empathetic "normal" person will not understand- why?

To clarify things I always reverse the situation. So let's say you are watching an aircraft stunt team. You watch in amazement of their aerobatics but one plane breaks off from the group and lands. He approaches you and begins to tell you that the reason he broke off was that the ailerons and the hydraulics in the rudder screw were faulty. You scratch your head wondering what he's talking about. It would be possible to understand him if you were to be mechanically and aircraft minded and when the mechanics took apart the pieces you saw the reason for the damage.

This is not possible with our minds, to take them apart. Onlookers are restricted to how much they can extend themselves to "see inside your mind". Then there is the human nature of selfishness. I had a long time friend that, upon saying to him "I've been down lately" his reply was- "gee Tony, all I want to do is have some fun, I'm not interested in deep and meaningful stuff" Did I lose him as a friend- yes, was I angry- no, he is entitled to his low level compassion and I'm not in this world to change that.

So, family members and friends will have limited listening time for your issues and as the years roll by it also reduces as they accept it when you go to bed for hours during the day. This further isolates you. It might also infuriate you when a person with an obvious physical disability is given all the empathy your associates can muster.

For these reasons another saying comes to mind- "birds of a feather flock together" In our case forums like this one are beneficial especially for support between professional medical visits. Group therapy sessions might also be helpful.

I recall about 35 years ago I had an issue with a relative. I went to a group meeting with the organisation - "GROW". After telling the group about my conflict with this person a man approached and gave me a small book and told me to read chapter 3- emotional blackmail. That 2 pages made clear to me that my relative indeed had serious issues and it wasnt my fault that I was the victim.

Another quote- "Just because you don't understand it, doesn't mean it isn't so" Lemony Snicket

The phrase "Get over it" is one I ignore.

TonyWK

[Soberlicious96]

Thanks Tony, for that post.

A few weeks ago now, I had a bed couple of days with my mental health. Fell in a bit of a hole, that I haven't been in for at least two years, I reckon. Anyway, at the time my partner was great; I had arrived at his place quite the emotional wreck, crying etc., and he gave me a wonderful hug and spoke some encouraging words ..... but then, a couple of days later, he said that exact thing that really gripes me; he said "It's good that you are feeling better, because you need to get over this stuff. I've had depression and stuff too, years ago, but that was then, and now, I'm over it."

I felt so angry, I could barely speak! It felt so heartless of him. Especially as he had been so wonderful at the time.

Later when I had calmed down a bit, I told him that what he'd said about 'getting over it' was hurtful, and that it made me feel as though I was invalidated and unheard. I also told him that my mental health, unlike his, is for me, a somewhat 'ongoing' condition and that while there are times that I do well, there are also times when I do not do so well. I suggested that the next time this sort of thing happens to me, that, as well as giving me a wonderfully healing hug (which really does feel like it fixes everything!) that instead of saying "Good (that you're feeling better), because you need to get over it." he could say "Good, I'm glad you're feeling better." ...... I do hope he remembers that though.

Anyway, I AM doing better now, and I still think he's wonderful ..... albeit a little 'misunderstanding' about the whole mental health thing.

Oh yeah, and I got a motorbike now too, so I am LOVING the whole 'wind in my hair therapy' that I am getting of late!

Take care. And thanks again. Love your work! xo

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Very insightful. I'm super glad I found these forums and the wonderful people within. Thanks for sharing your thoughts 🙂

Katy

[white knight]

Thanks Katy,

Another thread you might enjoy is

Humility and "The good samaritan" use search or

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/humility-and-the-good-samaritan-#qofgTnHzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A

Yes, this is "home" to many of us.

Hi Soberlicious,

Thankyou for being open. We all have these ups and downs. Immediately I read your reply I thought of this thread-

Forgiveness and forgetting- the two "F's" for love

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/forgiveness-and-forgeting-the-two-f's-for-love#qgrbRHHzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A

The thing is with such responses that your partner gave, is that I'm convinced these sayings (Get over it etc) are so common, even from those that have had depression like your partner, that it is almost normal for them to say it without thinking first. So we can and should be flexible in forgiving. From my experience, the real problem is when and if it repeats or is brought up at a later date eg if he said "oh you are always having a go at me when I tell you to get over it".

So my dealing with these sort of tit for tat potentially explosive repeats of history is to immediately following a conflict, I try to let it sink in that we have forgiven each other(or one forgave the other) and make sure during any future arguments they aren't mentioned. It is either that or laugh about it together.

I'm glad you forgave him and cleared the air.

I am an old motorcycle fanatic, less so now but I have enjoyed many a cold day riding.

TonyWK

[blondguy]

Hello TonyWK

Thankyou for another helpful thread topic TonyWK

I have come across the word 'Normal' several times and its disappointing as the people that say ' oh just get over it' is a sign of their ignorance. When people have a visible health problem/diagnosis that seems to be 'understandable' and being worthy of empathy it seems to be 'normal''

I know many people including family that refuse counselling and/or meds after several years of MH symptoms that have a detrimental affect on their day to day well being

Paul