"Grey days. ."

[ladybird22]

Ive finally come to the conclusion in my autumn years that I've a melancholy personality and absolutely nothing I do can or will change that fact.

I've had bouts of deep depression and anxiety most of my life. I've taken medication for this for many years now, off and on and accept that ill possibly need to stay on it forever. However the meds don't change what I'm feeling, they don't take away my every day "mood"...

Some days I can cope with the world but most days like today it's like a big grey cloud looms over me when I get up.

I've been retired for a couple of years and thinking I should join up with a Groupon like minded friendly people...Covid lockdowns put an end to that and now my confidence and self esteem are very low. I've tried to join classes of something new but I'm just not enjoying much at all.

I've had to work on a new live in relationship a few years ago and it's been a struggle. I guess I was set in my ways and not very patient or tolerant anymore.

I've also recently moved so I'm trying to settle into another new area, so have lost contact with a few people. I don't seem to be able to settle down and get involved much in the community anymore. As I get older I'm losing interest in many things including people.

It's awful as I can't be bothered anymore, whereas five years ago at least I'd give things and people a good try.

I meet people enough and try new things, but im thinking it's because I've moved house so so many times I've become unsettled in life.

I've tried writing a list of things I enjoy doing so on my "Grey days" I can try doing some of them, but im not even in the right head space to bother trying anything.

There are a few days that I'm outgoing and interested in life, but the majority of my days are filled with doom n gloom...I really hate being like this and I wish I could change my outlook.

Maybe it's winter, but maybe it's just "me" and if I haven't been able to change my outlook by now I never will.

Does anybody else just feel like your tank is near empty?

Do other people get sick of reading the same thing over n over ;

Re: "It's not what happens to you on the outside world, its how you respond to what happens to you!"

Sounds good but in reality I doubt whether thus is possible for a lot of us...

[smallwolf]

hello.

I just want to reply to the last part of your post....

You reponse to "Re: "It's not what happens to you on the outside world, its how you respond to what happens to you!""

is quite true. I guess i am lucky that not too many people say this to me anymore. I have somehow ditched those who would say things like this.

I also had a call with someone today about mental health related stuff and I made a comment that I think it will be with me for a long time yet if not for the rest of my life. I have sort of come to terms with this. Well it is better than the alternative of getting frustrated with not getting better. And my days at best will be a 5.5 out of 10.

what are some of the things on that list?

[ladybird22]

Thanks Smallwolf for replying.

Interesting that you mentioned that at best your days will be 5.5 out 10.

Makes me feel I'm not alone, but today I'm really struggling to doanything at all except eventually write on here.

I'd be pushing to say I'm around 2 out of 10 today. I've been under strain/internal pressure for quite sometime now and I think I've dropped to a new low.

I can't even talk to my partner, have shut myself off in my bedroom with the heater on as I'm so cold and empty inside.

I'm not up to seeing or being around people, or any interaction at all with anyone.

Not quite sure how to make myself feel better as I can't...I'm not sure how to clarify a breakdown but I'm think I'm at that point.

I feel like running away "somewhere" but I have nowhere to go.

[Yana8216]

oh wow, this is how I feel sometimes but struggle to put it into words. I'm 38 and have had depression & anxiety for many years. You have described the most difficult part of it, the lack of motivation to do anything. Even drinking a glass of water feels like an onerous task for me most times. It's hard to t

[Yana8216]

whoops wrong button lol! not quite finished writing...
And now can't remember what I was going to say !
Anyhow, YES I do feel like my tank is near empty often, like those positive thinking sayings are only for happy people, and like 5.5 out of 10 is as good as it's gonna get for me. I have a saying. "The secret to happiness is accepting being bloody miserable" and I look forward to the day I can say that ironically.

[geoff]

Hello ladybird, on most occasions nobody can be happy 24/7 365 days a year, so there are times when we feel like we don't want to be happy because it's in our nature, and when you feel like this, you shouldn't be too despondent, because tomorrow something might happen that we get a few hours of being happy.

When we are trying to 'find our feet', it takes time to find an even balance in life.

I'm sorry you are feeling this way.

Geoff.

[Captain Australia]

My name is Simon and I thought grey days were all that was available to me.  For most of my life, existence stretched ahead of me like a barren desert - sterile, empty, uninviting.

I came to these forums a couple of years ago looking for advice around situational depression (I was in a bit of existential crisis after a grueling fight with cancer - six months to live).  But I realise I've probably had life-long mild depression.  It feels almost sacreligious to say it - because I have love in my life, I have three young kids.

But I come from trauma - addict single mother - and I think I grew up learning false lessons about love.  That I was unworthy, that love was transactional, stuff like that.

Anyway, a couple of years ago, my life was broken and I was really just waiting to die, but I've turned it around completely.  Completely.

I did it by taking a pilgrimage.  It'll sound bonkers, I know, but I write in case it gives you or anyone else hope - I'm a living example that a broken life can be fixed.

For me it was a big walk, and being of service.  I'd left home at age 15 and walked from Brisbane to Sydney.  I decided to recreate that (but this time Brisbane to Melbourne).  I also decided to be of service and help a charity (paediatric cancer research - as no child should have to endure what I did).  To help the charity, I did it dressed up as a boofhead superhero, to get in the news.  Raised $165k+

Being of service was massively helpful - it's like the old saying:  kindness is the antidote to sorrow.

But yeah - 84 days on the road, in the wild, relying on my own wits (and eventually, this beautiful wave of human kindness that I found out there).

It totally and completely reversed my psychological issues.  Cured a profound and lifelong depression.  I'm honestly all good now. I'm pretty sure I'm OK for the rest of my life, even if the cancer comes back.

What I think is necessary is the vigilant and diligent fight - the continuing to lean into your solutions not your problems - the continued underlying statement that live can be worth living.  Depression tries to suck the colour out of life, we have to fight that.

That's my two cents.  For what it's worth.  Hopefully more than two cents 🙂

I left so much grief, pain, sorrow .. in the forest and on the beach.  I'd be walking down the beach sobbing like a hurt infant .. and it was grief leaking out of me.