Problems.... What can we do? How can we deal with them?

SammyD100 · ‎11-10-2018

Hi everyone!

I thought I might start a new thread about problems. We all have them from time to time! Sometimes they seem incredibly big and complex. Sometimes they don't seem quite so difficult, but still need work to solve. Problems come in all sizes and shapes so what do we do? How do we deal with them?

When we have issues we’re struggling with there are generally two types of approaches. One is a Problem-Solving Approach and one is an Emotion-Focussed Approach.

A Problem-Solving Approach is useful when we have a lot of control over a situation and there are practical things we can do. If we're struggling with something like work-life balance for example, we might be able to look at making changes to get some balance back. Perhaps we could talk to our boss about cutting back a shift, changing full-time to part-time, taking some annual leave days off, etc. Perhaps the struggle relates to taking on too much for others, like always agreeing to meet up with a 'demanding' friend who never 'gives' anything to the relationship but constantly 'takes' our energy and time. Perhaps we just need to take a step back and learn to say 'no' every so often.

All of these are practical ways to address that initial problem around work-life balance - and there would be many other examples!

But sometimes the problem isn't something we have much control over - the only thing we can control is how we think about the situation. It’s generally the case that the way we think about a situation affects the way we feel, which then affects the way we behave. This leads me to the Emotion-Focussed Approach.

So for example I might be thinking that I didn’t do a good job on my last uni assignment, and for the next one I feel hopeless and like I won’t do well. As a result I might keep putting it off, and then not do a great job on it, which will then reinforce my original feeling that I’m not going to do well.

Instead I might challenge that initial thought. I might recognise that I didn’t do as well as I’d hoped on the last assignment because at the time my personal life was really difficult. With that new perspective, I’m feeling a bit better about this one because I know the mark I got wasn’t a valid reflection of my ability. As such, I am able to get onto this next assignment with a better mindset and the knowledge that I can do this.

I hope this all makes sense!

What have you tried when faced with life problems? What works for you? Would love to hear lots of other ideas!

SammyD

JessF · ‎11-10-2018

Hello SammyD, I think it is very useful to think about coping with problems with these two separate methods, and when it might be a good idea to use each, because I can think of times in my life where I have tried to use the 'wrong' approach. Such as, putting too much emotion into a problem rather than using a problem-solving approach and breaking it down into steps (how much is panicking about a problem helping me solve it), or putting too much energy into trying to solve a problem that I actually have very little control over (how can I help a loved one who is depressed and won't seek help), when I should be taking a more emotion-focused approach and trying to accept things the way they are.

I saw a great protest sign in a news story this week that read, "I've decided to stop accepting the things I cannot change, and start changing the things I cannot accept". Sometimes you have to spend time working out which thing is which before working out which approach is best.

PamelaR · ‎13-10-2018

Hi Sammy

Great post to get started. Interestingly I go into 'problem solving mode' immediately I'm faced with a problem. Those that are practical issues are generally resolved, however, the ones that are left behind are as you say 'emotional focussed' ones.

For me, it's took a long time to see that the basis of my problem is in my thinking.I learnt about CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) many years ago and changed much of my thinking. This hasn't been enough though, more recently I have also had to look at the beliefs that go with it. These beliefs helped to shape my views of my self and my self worth. Without changing these too, I was continuing to fall back into depression. Much easier now that I'm able to see why I have the thoughts in the first place.

Hope some of this helps others too Sammy.

Kind regards

PamelaR

SammyD100 · ‎18-10-2018

Hi JessF and PamelaR

Thank for your responses and thoughts!

JessF you’re so right when you reflect on the ‘wrong’ approach. I think sometimes - especially when confronted with other people’s issues - we can immediately jump into problem-solving mode. But often all that person needs is a ‘shoulder to cry on’, someone who will listen without judgement and validate what they’re experiencing. We literally can’t solve many problems other people have and the most we can do is support them but sometimes that can be hard to accept when we just want to ‘make it better’ for them.

And conversely, sometimes our initial reaction to a problem might be an unhelpful emotion-focussed approach and a negative thinking style, but when we allow ourselves the time and space to step back we can see that there is a way to break that problem down into manageable steps or chunks, and chip away at it bit by bit.

I love your quote too – so true!

PamelaR, it sounds like you’ve been on a tough journey to really work at getting to your core beliefs and understanding how these have shaped your thinking. I’m so glad that you’ve been able to get to a place where these make sense to you and the process has helped you to work through your depression. It must have been a lot of hard work, but worth it.

SammyD