Planning a healthier mind

[white knight]

Seems so many projections are made for short medium and long term goals. We plan our careers, education, loans for houses, cars or holidays. Why is it that some of us don’t have any projections of where our mind will be in 5 or 10 years?

One answer could be that with our demons we live on hope and we live day to day. Hope that scars from our traumatic childhood will one day be conquered. Or maybe that you as one of several siblings was just the unlucky one with bipolar and that one day there will be a cure or it will…go away?

Perhaps you dream of your abusive parent paying you a visit one day out of the blue and offers a sincere apology that will fix everything from the next day onwards.?

It doesn’t seem realistic does it? So if you think the same as me, why aren’t we planning projections, goals, to our future mental health? We plan our physical fitness routine don't we?

It seems odd to me that with the one thing that stops us blending successfully into society, our mental stability, we live on hope but not extend our efforts of treatment to include our own long term plan.

So here goes? At what stage of your recovery from depression, anxiety, do you want to be in 2020? We have covered many times the fact that managing your illness rather than seeking a full recovery is more real saving us from disappointment and self loathing. So what projections can you give yourself for your hard work at researching your illness and improving yourself?

My goal is that by 2020 I will have a stable family relationship with all my selected family members. There are rocky ones in there that partially has been due to my moods and lack of patience. Patience isn’t on supermarket shelves but I can try when those people are around me to listen and make effort to care more. To express that to them directly. In terms of personal relationships I plan to be less outspoken and more tolerant.

My goal by 2025 (I’ll be 69yo) is to be rid of guilt for anything I’ve done to anyone that was unreasonable. Based on the fact that you cant undo the past and I am remorseful. This is not for others, this goal is for me, for my peace, for my worth as a man.

Part of being positive is to make plans that are achievable. To avoid being “stuck” in not advancing with your mental health, plan your mental well being as you would saving for a new car.

Goals daily, monthly, yearly, 10 years. you can improve. Fall down? get back up and plan again

Do you have a plan?

Tony WK

[Guest_2350]

Hi Tony,

thank you for your post. You have really nice goals.

I am very confused at the moment and I think I would like to understand my illness better by 2020 and have learnt how to manage it, accept it and live with it. I would like to have accepted my new self. Is that a good goal when first being diagnosed? How old were you when you first got diagnosed?

Take care, Yggy

[Elizabeth CP]

Hi Tony, I believe goals are important to help you identify what is really important. For years I set/ review goals at the beginning of the year. This time seems to be a obvious time to remember to do it. My goals/ plans for my mental health have been short term mainly because I am unsure what will happen in the future & I am still learning what works for me. I took my list of goals to my psych this year & discussed them. He played devil's advocate questioning everything I had written. He knows me well & I could see what he was trying to achieve. This meant I had to stick up for myself & really clarify my reasons. The result was I was very clear about not just what my goal was & how I planned to achieve it but I was very clear why it was important to me. This helps me when I am tempted to give up. Although most of my goals appear practical rather than related to mental health the motivation is to help me mentally. For example I have specified the amount of time I will do housework but my reason is that this will normally be enough to keep the house clean & tidy so it is pleasant to be in & I can find things both important for me to feel OK but because housework can be never ending there is a danger that I spend too much time leaving no time to do other things which are important for me mentally & physically. I have other goals related to different aspects of my life but each have been formulated to help me improve my mental health. Everyone would have different goals but it is important to think about what works for you personally & not what you think other people expect. Another of my goals is to try different things to see what helps me because my situation has changed so much so I am still learning what helps & what hinders. This is similar to Yggy's goal of learning how to manage her condition.

[Lost_Girl]

I am a planner, I like to have goals and plans set out for years in front of me. I have always been good with adapting to changes and lifes ups and downs, however all of this has now changed.

Having a chronic illness and having depression prevent me from planning in advance. While I can have goals I am unable to make the structured plans to get there. My health is just too unpredictable.

What I can do is build up a toolkit of ways to manage my illness and help me cope better. My plan is to have the ultimate toolkit to dig into as needed on the way to achieving those goals. The toolkit is not just for me either but for my support network. They are now an integral part of any goals.

The goals themselves also change. The long term big ones are still there but I am having to create much smaller more obtainable ones that fit in the constraint of who I am now.

[topsy_]

Gosh Tony, that is all so well thought out. It has never occurred to me to make mental health goals!

The thing I struggle with most is guilt. I've read things you have written about guilt before. You speak of making a decision not to feel guilty. I can understand your reasoning & how you plan to do it. But recognising your plan's validity & feeling forgiveness for myself are worlds apart.

I don't know how to do it. To forgive myself. I can forgive others but not myself. This lack of ability is independent of the black dog. I can't do it when I'm well either.

It mystifies me.

Lyn.

[white knight]

Hi

Thankyou all for replying

Yggy, I was first diagnosed at a ripe 47yo in 2003. But I had the illnesses of bipolar type 2, depression and dysthymia all my life. anxiety peaked at 31yo in 1987 but I was able to rid it by 2012 25 years later! Accepting yourself would be a major step IMO. Warts and all liking yourself is not easy. It involves convincing your mind that your positives are wonderful rather than just ok and your negatives are quite acceptable compared to others faults. So you'll need to get that into proper perspective as part of the process. I'd suggest, as I've done this myself over many years you don't expect too much of yourself with results and those results will come slowly but they will come. My process following my 1st wife's abuse of me over many years, was , to look into the mirror daily and praise myself. This was immediately after separation in 1996. It worked. Also discount others criticisms of you even better don't have those people around you.

Elizabeth. One of the best quotes I've adopted is "I'm not in this world to live up to your expectations". I heard it first around 1980. Once that is set in concrete in your mind, you wont worry about achieving what others think you should achieve. You'll do just enough housework that is "reasonable" in your mind!. Remember, with housework, out of sight out of mind and people don't search under beds to see the fluff, nor reach up over the door surrounds to inspect the dust. Be reasonable or you'll torment your mind too much. Again perspective is the key.

Lost Girl, A toolkit. What a great idea. Maybe a folder with tabs on the pages- one could be "sadness" and "low mood" or "too energetic" or "anger" and what you have through your experience in the past have done to remedy the situation. now that's planning and a very good idea. I like your attitude.

Jyn, guilt...ouch, guilt is like worry, it produces very little gain. Worry helps with being more punctual for appointments IMO and little else. Guilt is like a self generated system of punishment. Guilt stops you from feeling happy more often and grounds away at you without remorse.

I have had lots of guilt. I found that the older get the less guilt I've had. eg in my younger life I've had punch ups, mainly in the prison system where I worked now 28 years ago. For a long time I felt guilt for some of it. But I now realise that these type of events happen with most young men. So I've let go and it feels good.

Tony WK

[Elizabeth CP]

I used the example of housework as an example of the process I use to identify appropriate goals. My aim is to satisfy myself not keep up to anyone else's standards hence the time limit to reduce the risk of overdoing it. I try to be mindful of what I is helpful to me. I get stressed if I can't find things or have difficulty getting to things I need so regularly ensuring things are in the right place is important to me but I don't care if the contents of my cupboards are colour coordinated or look beautifully arranged. I find I feel better in pleasant surroundings so having a clean, tidy & attractive house is important but I don't have to have it spotless.

By being aware of what I am trying to achieve I am better able to prioritise when things are not ideal due to sickness or when very tired or there are other competing demands. For example when my family visited last Saturday with 5 young grandkids running around the place I chose to focus on enjoying my family knowing once they left it wouldn't take long to get the place back to an acceptable state.

One of my goals is to learn to make the best choice when there are competing needs which happens frequently for me. This also means learning to accept when I can't do things ideally

[white knight]

Hi Elizabeth.

I was responding to your comment "but because housework can be never ending there is a danger that I spend too much time leaving no time to do other things which are important for me mentally & physically."

So it seems from your latest reply you have the matter of balance (of your housework) at an ok level.

Tony WK

[Just Sara]

Thanks for this thread Tony WK!

Planning for me is easy in my head LOL! But when I open my eyes to reality, it sometimes bites. Elizabeth bought up something for me and that's dealing with competing priorities. Decision making has been so difficult since my brain broke.

My mental health? I rarely think of anything else. I'm always on the lookout for something to ease the discomfort or a 'cure'. Planning wise, well, I don't think I've ever looked at the future that way before. Up until now it's been getting through each day unscathed. I just spoke with my sister who's a drug and alcohol worker. Her advice was; "Plan for the future by aiming towards your values and beliefs, and don't forget that life is about doing as well as being. Mind and body working together" I thought this was great advice.

Cheers...Dizzy x

[white knight]

Dizzy, your sister is so right.

We can think and think and put little into practice. So our long journey to recovery is a multi pronged approach.

Eg. Acknowledge

Gp psych, meds

Learning the theory

Adapting the theory to ourselves

Putting it into practice.

Support to gain confidence for ongoing growth.

Accepting and allowing ourselves to faulter

And so on.

You are indeed advancing dizzy. Well done

Tony wk