Overcoming mental illness

[RimeMariner29]

Hey folks! Hope your all doing just fine.

I was kinda struggling for few days so thought I should join these forums and see if I could get any good advise.

I have been clinically diagnosed with "Schizophrenia" over 8 months ago. I was suicidal at the time. Was lucky my friends noticed my behavior and told me seek help and i did. Never done drugs in my life, the Pysch says its  hereditary. My grandfather had mental illness and somehow i got it.  So have been on meds ever since. Overtime I come to realise that i was really ill  and needed to keep taking the medications.The doctor says I have "stabilized" and in recovery.

 I still struggle with hearing "voices" as they are all nasty in nature. Its like I am on the streets on a leisurely walk and these random people call me a freak or disgusting etc. I used to wonder perhaps everyone heard these voices and we just had to learn to develop "thick skin". Meds are helping though so. The Psych told me meds wont take away all the voices.

 I called the hospital the other day. They said you could start working on improving your self esteem. I am also very self critical by nature so I am known to be very hard on myself. I joined the Gym and been working out heaps but wherever i go the voices remain. These voices can be very discouraging. Its like you vs world all the time. What would you do if you were in my shoes?

I am just looking for change of perspective. I have begun looking for work. Some days I am full of energy wanna achieve things and other days it overwhelms me! I know mental illness is work in progress, you go one day at a time. I am grateful though overtime was able to overcome the victim mentality which was the suicidal part of me.

 If you folks got any advise for me on how to approach things differently please let me know. I am willing to do whatever it takes to overcome mental illness. I am still young and life's too short anyway.

[ontarioguy35]

HiRimeMariner29.

Thanks for sharing.  The optimism the radiates from your words is very, very encouraging.   I personally think that you're on the right path, just due to the fact that you recognize what you're dealing with and you're seeking treatment.  The fact that you're seeking support on here is very important too. 

As for advice...  I'm in a similar situation.  I'm currently jobless and am really trying to work on my self-esteem.  I alienated myself from everyone for a year, to focus solely on writing about my depression.  I find for myself right now it's all about baby-steps.  For me, I just try to make the most of my time, so I tend to primarily hang around people with similar interests.  I always desire intensity, otherwise I find my mind wanders or gets distracted and kills my energy.  For me working out and writing have given me that health/positive escape/focus.  Outside of that I've (thanks to the Lord) found a nice group of friends that are of the highest quality 🙂  Which is great, I think it's very important to surround yourself with people you respect.  Anyways, what interests do you currently have?  Is there anything that you've always wanted to try/do (learn a new language; learn a musical instrument; sports; ect).

I don't have experience with hearing voices, but I most certainly have so persistant negative thoughts that come through.  I battle them with scripture and 'hold each thought captive'.  I find it's very important because we are what we eat and we do what we think.

Also, congrats with looking for work.  I hope you'll find a very encouraging and positive work environment.

[RimeMariner29]

Thanks for the reply and good on you for making those changes.

 I have noticed ever since starting the workout routine, my appetite has returned plus there is now meaning to my suffering. When things get rough, I read the "Prayer of Thanksgiving" before going the bed. That helped to reduce night terrors.

I am not religious but I have found prayer to be quite therapeutic. I like the character of "Job" in the scriptures. Always grateful to God in sickness and good health. What a resilient character, very admirable.

I want to learn to swim very soon. Its a shame to live in such wonderful country as ours and not know how to swim. Gotta overcome that fear of water.

 Keeping a journal helps me too. My doctor said only thru insight will you know how to beat those negative thoughts. Lately I have been really struggling with aggression. I carry a lot of anger. I know its not very healthy to so I try to channel it thru workouts.

 You have an interesting take on battling those persistent negative thoughts with the scripture "Hold each thought captive", how do you do that?. I am not very good with the scripture. The problem is I feel responsible for my illness. So I find little relief to rely on the higher power. My psychiatrist keeps reminding me its not my fault but it feels that way. Hence why I carry so much anger. Much of that anger is directed towards myself.

[ontarioguy35]

Do you mind if I ask what the new meaning to your suffering is?

Awesome to hear that you are going to challenge your phobia of water!  I find life to be a journey and fears are the hinderer's of our progress and potential.  I'll be praying for you, my friend, as any fear is very difficult at first to tackle, but be persistent!

 I too, admire Job (as I admire many of the people from the old and new Testament).  Life can be very tough and as it rains on all men.  I look up to (and try to learn from/apply) Job's steadfastness during such a horrible period in his life.

 As for holding each thought captive (2 Corinthians 10:5), I've learned (I've always been a Christian, but have just recently been doing my part to be an obedient Christian) that my mind and thoughts have really done a lot of damage in my life...  Self-Pitying,  lots of judgement (both aimed at me and others) and unforgiveness which has led to rage, lustful thoughts which has led me to do many things I'm shameful of.  Either or, I want to face my depression/anxiety, so no more running and no more drugs, alcohol, woman, whatever as distractions or false confidence builders.  So, I prayed, repented all my sins and really struggled with forgiving both myself and others, you know.  Anyways, my mind was always accusing me, you know, to deflate me, and then reminding me of all the horrible things I've done (and I was a Christian!)  Either or, it was a long road but I had to keep praying to the Lord to deliver me from my unforgiveness (towards others and myself).  Now I find I'm leading a life that I'm not ashamed of.  It's difficult, but with the Lord's help I'm facing my fears and insecurities (anxieties) one-by-one.  I've found though that my thoughts were still from the old nature, you know...  I'd have angry thoughts or very judgemental or lustful or whatever, either or thoughts I don't respect.  So as soon as they come in, I think about how that's wrong thinking and turn it on itself, then rebuke the thoughts.  This has really helped me get control of my mind (or give control for the Lord to fill me with thoughts of love and hope and prosperity).  My life is not perfect, at all, but my family and my support system are closer than ever and I've learned to be more honest about my struggles and now people are praying for me. Phew, I feel like I wrote a novel for you (I tend to do that! lol)  Neways, I'm always more than happy to share as best I can from my experience so ask away if you will

[RimeMariner29]

There is now meaning to my suffering. I have direction in my life which was sorely lacking before. My life felt utterly meaningless. Its funny how it took something drastic as my illness so I could be whole again. I guess i took back control. Its liberating!

It takes a very courageous man in my opinion to admit his faults, and take action which you have! You deserve a medal for that. That's the first step.

 For me I knew i had hit rock bottom and only way out was up. I realized, i had to start over and start building on good foundations. I cut off all the false friends and people from my life and only kept in touch with true friends. That helped. I still have a mountain to climb. One day a time! Its not a race. One day I will get there. The key is to find a way to enjoy the process. For now workout is my only distraction.

I dont want to limit myself because of my mental illness so I have been working out hard in the Gym to get stronger and help improve my chances of getting a warehouse job. Most need forklift license so I got training booked next week. 

Nothing wrong with lustful thoughts my brother. We are all human beings, that's normal, just don't go hurting people. We are all allowed to make mistakes, no ones perfect! Thanks for sharing your troubles. It makes me wonder that everyone has issues! We are all hurting and that's OK.

[ontarioguy35]

Thanks for the encouragementRimeMariner29!  It's much appreciated.

Congrats to you for taking control of your life and actively pursing the warehouse job!  I find the harder we work, the harder we want to work, which is always inspiring to everyone around you.

 As for the lustful thoughts, I find for myself, I don't want to have anything before my Lord, you know?  I desire that right girl, but I've for far too long have been enslaved by my lustful thoughts and actions, so now it's just time for me to just live the way I feel is right - I struggle with many thoughts that I deep down inside don't agree with. 

 Oh geese, my friend, I've talked to many people in my life behind closed doors and it seems like everyone, especially the ones that seem like they have their lives completely together, are just fumbling around trying to understand their life and the world around them better.  We all have troubles and struggles, but it's facing these things that builds our character and confidence 🙂

[RimeMariner29]

Honestly I am really struggling. The monthly appointment with my psych cant come soon enough. I am already on high dose of anti psychotics meds and its bound to go even higher. I am learning to be patient with the voices. Its hard because you know you cant respond to them cos people around you may or may not be saying those things and instead I am "hearing" them.

I just try to stay focused on whatever i am doing at the time. I have noticed I don't trust people anymore. Also, I am very cautious around strangers. Always keep your guard up!

Only religion that made sense to me was "Christianity". I am more of skeptic though. I believe in Science, not the Scientology cult, just pure science. Still it has good concepts, such as forgiveness. I think i need to be more forgiving. I have become far too bitter and unforgiving. It explains the anger and aggression somewhat.

 I agree with you. I have found writing here has given me more insight into my problems and open to possible solutions. I will start reading and practicing the scripture with an open mind.  It takes 8 weeks for meditation to take full effect on the mind, so i am guessing it will be the same with the scripture study.

 Thanks again.

[ontarioguy35]

HiRimeMariner29,

 Sorry for the delayed response; I sent one yesterday, but I think it had too much religious/spiritual sentiment to it, so I'll try to keep this one direct.

I can really empathize with the day-to-day struggling and especially with the mistrust of people.  I've been hurt, directly, by many people that used to be close to me.  I've found that many people are running, and in turn, they're begin using other people that they deem weaker or more timid than themselves to get what they feel they need.  I used to have a very, very hard time with this (girlfriends who cheated, friends who were sleeping with my girlfriends, getting picked on at home/school/work).  I've found though, that it's so easy to want to just give in and just become what everyone else is, you know, and just go with it.  But I've learned that if you just remain true to your beliefs and truly practice what you preach and do your best to be the change you hope to see, that slowly, and I repeat, slowly (lol) everything will change.  I can now, thankfully, say that I have friends of the highest quality (they've been a true blessing/inspiration), my family is much, much closer and more supportive, but most importantly, I have that peace inside of me that I was longing for.  My mental illness, has been really hard for me to accept and I find my memory is fading and my wits just aren't as sharp as they used to be, however, I feel authentically me, which is who I've always desired to be.

It sounds to me, my friend, like you're in the midst of storm.  I could off you any of the million clichés in the world, you know, but meh, they didn't help me when I was in the storm, so I won't toss them towards you.  What I can offer, however, is just encouragement, love, prayer, and support; even if it's just words on a form, I know how the accusing thoughts work, I know how they try to make us feel like nobody cares for one another any more.  This is a lie.  You, me, and everyone on this forum and others are proof of it.  Day, by, day, my friend, and I find when I'm at my lowest spiritually, I need to be at my highest mentally, and pick myself up and get up and go for a walk or job or whatever. 

Please keep us posted on here as to how you're doing.  You're strength is an inspiration to me!

[RimeMariner29]

I have joined a support group today, GROW. There are awesome. Everyone was so supportive and helpful..Its like a 12 step recovery group.

Other than that, I have been looking for work and been trying to remain positive with I can do it! attitude. Good luck my friend!

[RimeMariner29]

I have found work. Now the real recovery will begin. The support group called Grow is so helpful. I suggest it to anyone who struggles with depression, self harm or just doing it tough. I have learned to ignore the voices which i complained about in my first post. I feel very much in control now and although i know i have a long way to go still, I take life one day at a time! Work will keep me busy, and will kick start a new chapter in my life. The best in life and love and happiness is ahead of me.