Over-stimulating the Senses - Addiction to Adrenaline and Beta Endorphins?

[Just Sara]

Hi all;

I've been self assessing for a long time now, and have come across an habitual need to stimulate myself with dysfunctional thoughts that prop me up or give a perception I'm not small or insignificant at all; feeling powerful and a winner.

On the flip side, I've also had thoughts that bring me down (too big for my boots) causing a 'normal' feeling of being average or small/insignificant...safe from ridicule or punishment.

We've all had those fantasies of kicking the winning goal or standing on a podium with trophy in hand sucking up the acclaim and cheers from the crowd. But what if those fantasies turned into yelling at someone until they were on their knees leaving you feeling pumped and superior? Or maybe getting in between parents to fend off upcoming violence and be the hero?

Isolating myself has turned my world inward where I play out the day in my head. This is where I've been living and getting to be on top, or berate myself into submission.

The other noticeable factor is the adrenaline or beta endorphin rush I can have from this; undetected until recently due to the normality of 'feeling' this way.

Looking for a discussion peep's...your thoughts?

Sara

[Cornstarch]

Awesome SourceShield,

That is so completely true. Unexpressed outrage is not always pushed 'out', but often if it is experienced in childhood it is pushed 'in', towards ourself in self-loathing, self-disgust and frustration at our 'obvious' unworthiness.

Hell, why pretend that I can say it better than Judith Hermann, I can't. When we push the anger in towards ourselves it maintains an attachment by shrinking our world, and we do not question our abusers because we have to remain living there. If we pushed the anger out we would question them and flee, but I was too little.

For me, one of the hardest RAGES that I have to cope with is what I term as MAMMAL RAGE. I was violently raped. I was ambushed while my family lay sleeping in tents meters away and they threatened me if I told anyone.

When my MAMMAL RAGE rises up from that night I feel like I could lift a semitrailer...........so I took up running. I knew I'd turned a corner when I started bursting into tears at the end of my run, and opening up the grief and sadness inside.

It's gonna be a long road.

But I'm doing my best.

XXXXXX

[SourceShield]

Hey Constarch...

Firstly, I just wanted to send really BigHugs to you...I am so very sorry that you had to experience such a terrible experience.

I feel outrage for you...to be honest.

I feel saddened and hurt that this kinds crap happens in the world..but it does.

I was hyper-sexualised as a child.

Thats just a fancy-schmancy way of saying that I was molested and raped and abused too...the crazy thing is that after a time I would want to be touched, it was the only time that I ever felt wanted.

Which is twisted - no child should have to feel like that, like some kind of stockholm syndrome.

But, we all have our stories to share.

I believe in you and I am grateful for THIS POST today - lately I have been feeling very angry, to be completely truthful, I get like that...and reading this post and the comments has 'saved me' today.

I cry not because I am weak, but because I feel.

I feel, therefore I exist.

Thank you.

Sincerely.

[Cornstarch]

Paedophiles are puppeteers Saucy.

I am so sorry this despicable crime was inflicted upon you too.

They re-wire brains and nervous systems.

If that doesn't piss you off I don't know what will.

Rage is actually reasonable in this instance. I realised that my resistance to my rage was actually my resistance to my sadness. I knew the deep well of tears was coming next. My mind is so sneaky that sometimes it will stay in anger because I can't face the sadness today.

Rage is actually a hand break used by the mind to prepare itself for the release of the shock, and the grief and bewilderment that you swallowed just to survive.

After anger comes sadness, and somedays the sadness is just too frigging hard. It feels like a bottomless pit of sadness.

Peace Saucy xxx

[Starwolf]

Hey Corny,

A standing ovation to you for expressing justified rage. This is what these forums are for...giving silent suffering of any kind a voice.

As you may know, I too spent a childhood living in fear of abuse and conniving strategies to stay safe. Considering my mother's out of control, murderous tendencies, staying alive was more the point. I was also gang raped as a teenager by people I was foolish / inexperienced enough to trust. Like you I have been consumed by rage. Abnormal response to abnormal situations is normal.

Expressing anger is a necessity if we don't want it to turn on us and spread its poison from the inside. You are quite right...eventually it will break out and cause a hell of a lot of damage. Sometimes irreparable. But making anger a permanent part of our inner world is dragging the ghost of the past into the present where it is out of place. If done in a safe way, expression is wise, holding on the feeling behind it is hurtful. Expressing inner pain doesn't make it disappear. Expression is a start that will make us temporarily feel better. Getting better is a different story.

Learning to accept that rage for what it is and shift the responsibility where it belongs takes a lot of patient, persistent work. Repression/suppression can only have disastrous results. Rage is a powerful form of energy. It has been proved that energy cannot be suppressed but it can be transformed... and canalized into creative channels. That's the gift of adversity. Finding the best way to turn the tables is a personal challenge. We are all different. The important thing here is that it CAN be done... using strategies tailored to our specific character and needs.

Love you all, you are the salt of the earth.

[SourceShield]

---Starwolf said:

"Abnormal response to abnormal situations is normal"

Perfectly put - I couldn't have written it any better.

MuchLove

[Just Sara]

I'm gobsmacked!!!!

I've just been reading through this thread with tears and sighs of horror and wonderment. The above responses/posts are so powerful and intelligent. I want to hug you all with abandon till we're peacefully asleep and safe in each others arms. I know that sounds a bit thingy...but I hear screams from children, surviving within the realms of your physically, emotionally and spiritually abused selves.

Star...you've touched me with your clarity and expressive heart and mind. I will never perceive you as the same person again. Your disclosure affected me...deeply. I want to hug your soul and let it hug me...just bloody amazing! A huge thankyou...a Community Champion indeed!

SS...Welcome to BB and can I say your ability to convey information is extraordinary, both personally and knowledgeably? You are so lovable, valuable and worthy; it would sicken me to think of you as anything else, you wise lovely man. I do want to respond to your wonderful post earlier, but I wasn't expecting such a brilliant turn-out. Please stick around; I hear an amazing individual ready to give and be the recipient of quality care. Mwah!

V...you and people like you who 'want' to heal/recover and do the hard yards, are what this thread is all about. Self exploration isn't for the faint hearted, we say this a lot for a very good reason. You've shown intelligence and courage on so many levels, as well as a clear sense of insight. Well done! You're absolutely on the right track/wave length. I would love it if you'd stay with us and lean on those who've already chosen to take on 'ourselves' as a means of healing, instead of waiting for someone else to tell you once a month in therapy; that's what it's all about hun. Self education as well as the doing/being...

And last but definitely not least...Cornstarch; what a bloody legend you are! I freakin' love it when you're in the zone woman! I think you already know what I think of you as a person and survivor, but for the sake of newbies; your intelligence and creativity is beyond comprehension. The humour you exhibit on so many occasions is testament to the resilient human you are and thank goodness! You are a poster girl for BB and I say this for good reason my darling...you're just spectacular!

I expected to come back from my GP to a couple of posts ready to discuss biology and the endocrine system. What a magnificent surprise! God I'm crying again...

Massive hugs to all...Sara xoxo

[Cornstarch]

Oh my god Starwolf! This post freaks me out.

I have just got back from my run.

You can believe me or not, but sometimes I have things that wash over me out of nowhere about people I don't even know. Little mind happenings pass through my consciousness. Sometimes I wonder if my trauma + my meditation practice has given me a porous nervous system that picks up other peoples stuff. I am not religious at all, just thought I would confirm.

I was just thrashing my limbs in the park and a thought 'popped' in, "someone has been gang raped".

Now I've got home.

That is absolutely horrific. I am SO SORRY!

They are revolting!

Signed,

Reasonably Rageful

xxxxxxxx

[Cornstarch]

Oh, and secondly Starwolf, from memory your abusive mother has schizophrenia.

Just because my Mum has schizophrenia don't think you can't vent about your Mum on here, and that you will offend me.

Just because someone has a mental illness does not mean that they are a nice person. My Mum is.

Post away.

Your RAGE IS ABSOLUTELY REASONABLE

UNEXPRESSED OUTRAGE FRIDAY'S

[SourceShield]

Big Hugs to you too, Sara.

Anytime you wanna chat about The Endocrine System...I'm in!

I'm a complete geeky-nerdster about this stuff, and I love it.

Our understanding of the mind-body, with interconnection of the brain, and blood, and behaviour and our beliefs has advanced in phenomenal ways and for the first time in human history we have research that can actually be trusted.

We can see that music, for example...just listening to your favourite song, can bring on a healthy dose of seratonin - the happy chem, and singing in a choir, even more-so!

So simple and yet so effective.

StayAwesome!

[Just Sara]

Sorry Corny...my response was snapped up...

Dropping the lower lip...Sara xo