Off the meds - will lifestyle and other strategies be enough

[Chloe_Inglewood]

Wondering if I’m going to spiral...

After 10 years of medication and sick of side effects but scared of coming off, I’m off the meds. I tapered off slowly - have experienced vertigo in the 2 weeks following no dose. I’m exercising regularly -which helps a lot, I’ve become more aware and use strategies to prevent anxiety/stress which contributes to deterioration of my mental health. I saw a psychologist last year and found the talking to someone helpful.

My question is what hope do I have that this won’t last all of my life? I have three kids/ teenagers currently, I work full time in a pretty stressful nurse manager job, but I can’t seem to prevent a spiral when the pressure builds. Today I’m feeling pretty crap well it’s middle of the night and I’m writing this unable to sleep- overthinking setting in. I want to have kids, job and a life but struggle with just the two.

Ive experienced a fair bit of trauma in my job but my childhood experiences affect me most- Sexual abuse and emotional/verbal abuse. I feel judged at work for having days off for my mental health- I don’t tell people why I’m off but I still get comments- not helpful. Now I’m a manager permanently for over two years, I’m not sure whether I should be one because of the impact of stress but why can’t I have a career I love.

What hope is there to lead a full life?

[therising]

A warm welcome to you Chloe

You are taking a courageous path in many ways, for that which pushes us through fear is called courage. When courage sometimes just isn't enough, management will also hold the key. Whether it's management through counseling, exercise or even a diet which can further boost the chemistry needed for us to experience 'happiness', every great warrior has battle strategies.

Myself, I came out of my 15 year battle with depression some time ago. There is the odd occasion where I'll sense it threatening to creep back in. When this happens, I have my trusted 'go to' strategy. It is very simplistic yet impacting.

I imagine I possess within me a kind of psychological filing system. It is packed with thousands of individual reference files known as 'mental programs'. Each mental program is labeled. For example, there is one called 'Mother' which holds all my experiences as a mum as well as what I've been led to believe the role of 'a good mother' is. There's one for 'wife', one for 'personal value' and so on. There are thousands because there are also a plethora of super basic files such as 'going to the toilet', 'getting dressed' and so on. You may think 'How can the 'going to the toilet' one possibly impact me?' I'll explain...

Imagine if I had a massive stroke tomorrow. All of a sudden, I begin referencing files (experiences and beliefs) so as to cope. Because there is no experience or reference/education in regard to stroke I may be left simply referencing what I am failing to do: I cannot be an active mother, I cannot dress myself, I cannot go to the toilet on my own and I cannot even speak. I can even go on to make further references such as 'A person who cannot dress them self, who cannot go to the toilet and cannot speak is called a baby. Baby's are helpless'. Now, I'm perceiving myself as 'a helpless baby'. You would agree, this is definitely a destructive form of referencing.

Whenever depression is standing on the sidelines, I will ask myself 'What programs or beliefs am I being challenged to rewrite?' I believe the challenge is not necessarily based in what it is we face, it is more so based on our ability to rewrite the programs we're identifying with. Programs we identify with form our identity. Some programs will deprive us of being our most authentic self, such as 'social value'.

When we rewrite/change the program we're identifying with, who we are changes. Opportunity for change is held within the challenge.

Take care