I started seeing a psychologist recently and became really aware of my negative internal dialogue. As part of the steps to relieving anxiety and depression I started to write down my cognitive distortions. I would try to pick up when I was beating myself up unfairly and make a note of it. It was going well.
I was really proud of myself when I overcame a fear of mine and joined a netball team. I was on top of the world. But then as I started to play I realised that I was not finding it as enjoyable as I thought I would. I spend so much time during games and at training saying things to myself like "you should have caught that ball" "you should have stopped that pass" " you need to be faster " "you look like an idiot" "the team were better off without you".
Now the real issue for me is that this dialogue is not exactly internal. Some comments escape. And I find myself yelling at myself "you idiot" . It's humiliating. I'd rather just carry on and shake it off and try harder to not make the mistake again. But I can't. I start spiralling. I just want to shrink away.
Has anyone else experienced something similar and overcome it? I just want to be able to walk away smiling and not beating myself up for days about something that is supposed to be fun.
