My story: I still have dreams

CrashCoyote · ‎03-05-2014

Hi everyone,

I am writing this post following a request from a fellow member to know more about me. I do not wish to hi-jack another post so have started this one.

I am fifty years old and the father of five. Divorced twice and in a few other relationships over the years. My friends sometimes joke that I am looking for my next ex.

I am an honest man and try very hard to be a good person, a good partner (when in a relationship) and a good dad. My life is not extraordinary and I am starting to realise how far too many people have far too much trauma in their lives. Is this our evolved society?

I grew up in a housing commission house with my mum and younger sister. Dad left mum when my sister was born and I was a barely a year old. He was never in my life. His bother (we are good wogs!) did his bit to fill the void and to this day he is the closest thing to a dad I have ever know and I love him dearly. My dad died a few years ago but I did not grieve for him. I did not know him. His brother told me of his death and was crying when he told me. I was upset that my uncle was upset but not that my dad had died! Mum was never very mentally stable but did her best. We were poor and mum never did drugs or booze or gambled. I love my mum but as a parent I struggle with her parenting style and we are not close these days.

I was the "man" of the house since I was about fourteen and I guess I just continued that caring role until I ended up taking on the ultimate responsibility - caring for the community. I joined the Police.

My career path started at Darlinghurst, then Redfern, later I was a radio dispatcher and 000 telephonist. I worked at Fairfield when we had the highest murder rate in Australia (late 1980's) and Green Valley, Campbelltown, Campsie, Ashfield and Granville. I was mostly operational and in uniform and working alone. (More common than you might think.) I have been physically threatened with death many times. I have arrested dozens of people at gunpoint, sometimes at the point where I was applying trigger pressure before the offender surrendered. I have talked three people out of suicide.Twice people have died in my arms. I have been assaulted more times than I can even remember. I have seen babies and children suffer in ways many cannot imagine. I have taken statements from victims of sexual assault that have suffered in ways most could not imagine.

After over thirty serious work injuries and a good dose of PTSD, I was pensioned off from my career and a job I was lucky enough to have loved for the time I was in it.

In my personal life my third daughter died of SIDS at the age of eight weeks. It led to the breakdown of my second marriage. As a direct result I do not even see my subsequent daughter as my ex wife cannot stand to have her away from her and has forbidden her from seeing me. It is a form of child abuse and it certainly messes with my head, but at the end of the day my daughter is being denied a loving father because her mother cannot cope with her own issues.

I have always liked the company of ladies but it took me until I was forty two to find "the one". She was and is the love of my life but has her own anxiety issues and after three years of a sort-of-normal relationship I spent a further four clinging to what was a dying relationship in which I think she loved me but could not control her anxiety over other issues. She dumped me last year. I do not think I even knew what true love of woman was until she came along and now I feel I have nothing to give another woman because she still has my heart, even though we are no longer together. My addiction? I guess so.

Anyway, that is my life in a nutshell. I fight every day to battle my depression and I won't give up. I have four other children that love me and need me. I have a new grand daughter who is so beautiful that I still cannot suppress a smile every time I open my mobile phone - she is my screen saver! I may drink a bottle of spirits tonight, or not. I may go to the gym tomorrow, or not. I may have a minute or two of euphoria interspersed with the general depression, or I may not.

I still have dreams. I like to write and have been published. One day I will write that best seller. One day I will live on a hundred acres out of Sydney and feed chickens and muck around in my man shed. There is always someone worse off and I will do my best. Part of my inspiration is this site, and many of you will never know how much strength I draw from your posts, but I thank you one and all. I wish you success, such that it is, in your own lives.

Thanks for reading.

John.

Mares73 · ‎10-06-2014

Dear John I was thinking of you this morning so thought I'd drop you a line. It's been a while so don't know if your just reading from the background or you're not here anymore. I hope you are and I know you have a great trip coming up & from memory started seeing someone? I hope this reaches you & you are doing okay. Lve Mary

CrashCoyote · ‎10-06-2014

Hi Mary,

Thank you for your post. I was just reading yours in Royal Commission.

I am the last one to give anyone relationship advice so I just want to acknowledge what you said and hope that you can get professional support and guidance to get your family through this to wherever it ends up.

I actually live in south-west Sydney as you used to, but it is far cheaper than the north-east, I'll give you that. I don't go to the beach much out here! LOL.

I think you mentioned you husband had affairs and want to start holidaying without you? Is that correct? Do you think the knowledge of where your relationship is at could be harming your efforts to recover on other fronts? Are you able to speak to anyone qualified to give you advice? Maybe even one of the counsellors on here?

Your childhood must have been very traumatic and for many children, there is no ability to fight back against such abuse, even when they recognise it is abuse. Their parents are the only haven they know, poor as it may be. In the police I saw a lot of abused children and they were, understandably, the staunched defenders of their parents. Often taking the blame for situations they were blameless in.

My point, Mary, is that to love our children the best way we can, we need to love ourselves first. They will learn what adulthood (and relationships) look like from watching you and hubby. Will you please talk to someone about being a little selfish yourself so that you can give yourself a fighting chance to address everything going on in your life?

I don't know how to organise it, but one day I am going to take you screen printing!

Kind regards and cyber hug today,

John. xx

Mares73 · ‎12-06-2014

Hi John it was so lovely to hear from you & know your still around. If you decide at any point to leave the forum would you mind letting me know? I have huge respect for you. Re your questions yes my husband is going to Maldives alone. He's said he can only cope with work so cant support me or help with kids. Irony is I never believed I could be loved due to abuse by my dad & then Priest so I married the first person I met, cried my heart out night before wedding & entered a marriage where I supported him to study 2 degrees full time & I took 2 jobs & studied of a night so he could do this. Now he's in a very senior position & I've given up my high career for him. But my psych says after the royal commission I should take the rest of year to work on my issues of no confidence etc & aim to return to work next year where she believes I will thrive. Yes I grew up in housing commission in Mac Fields & then lived in Ingle burn. Not an easy place to grow up. I know I can have incredible strength but this illness has hit me hard particularly since I was assaulted by a stranger 2 years ago. The hardest thing I'm finding is my isolation & not knowing what to do each day & this I'm sure is feeding my depression. I've contacted voluntary organisation's & am amazed Noone has got back to me. I'm still very interested in training for the dispatcher role so any info you can give I'd appreciate. I guess for me I just want to feel what happiness is like. Anyway how are you? How did it end up with the lady you were seeing? And your trip won't be long. Look forward to hearing from you as always, Lve Mary

CrashCoyote · ‎12-06-2014

Hi Mary,

Thank you for your kind words. I am not going anywhere.

I am not able to give you contact details of anyone due to the anonymity of this site. I had dinner with a mate of mine last weekend who still works there and he said that they are always looking for staff and tend to recruit staff for part time positions rather than full time (saves money for the govt).

Perhaps contact the Police Department and ask to speak to someone in the training unit at the Police Radio in Sydney. Go from there.

Good luck with it. Kind regards,

John.

Mares73 · ‎16-06-2014

Hi John thank you for your guidance re radio jobs-iappreciate it. How are you going in life? When is your holiday? I forgot the places you are going & for how long? Yes I grew up in Mac query Fields in housing commission and then we had a house at Ingle burn that we had to sell to move closer to St Vincents hospital & we lost $80,000 due to market at the time. We now rent in east Sydney & the rents are beyond belief for what you get, not to mention the different type of peoples attitudes -the snob factor is alive &well. But it's so obvious the resources & facilities in this area compared to Southwest where the money for facilities for young people is desperately needed. Seems so unfair the east gets the best of so many things when there were hardly any parks or playgrounds when I grew up let alone things to do. I used to get harassed & intimidated when in Macca Fields because I worked. I'd get off the bus & although I was only dressed in clothes from Kmart or Target-groups of young men & women would surround me & call me a snob etc because I was in "work" clothes. It was tough not having a car & not much to do out there growing up. I'm currently trying to help an Aboriginal family living there-3 kids under 10 living with their elderly grandmother as their mum left them when they were little due to a drug problem & she wentup the North Coast. The father lives nearby but is an alcoholic so as much as he loves his kids he will never get custody. They are under DOCS who are trying to remove and separate them due to the grandmother being 68. She is devastated & I will help by attending mediation etc. I learnt of them through a Professor in Aboriginal Studies at a Uni I worked at. But he lives in Melbourne & is not involved. I knew drinking was a big factor in the community but was shocked at high level of marijuana abuse. Paydays are drug & alcohol & gambling days.Many people don't eat or survive on 2 min noodles for each fortnight. There is so much boredom,drugs help escape from a life without purpose.Anyway as for me I'm battling anxiety & lack of purpose. Having a tough time at the moment-cry easily & isolate myself.I'm struggling to get out of hse & spend days lonely -no purpose immobilized by anxiety & fear. I can't seem to get myself out of house so I trap myself at hm, no contact with anyone all day. Just can't seem to get out of my fear & isolating. Anyway I hope this finds you on & look fwd to ur response. Lve Mary

CrashCoyote · ‎16-06-2014

Hi Jo,

Please accept my sincere apologies on not noticing your post on this thread of four days ago. I do not know how I didn't see it until today.

First of all, that is great news about the yoga and emotional responsibility programs. First ones this Thursday, huh? Please let me know how they go.

Maybe you anger with you psych is more generalised than you think? I imagine you are working on the assumption that your psych has your best interests at heart and is performing to the best of his ability. Sometimes the message is hard to hear and even harder to imagine doing. I'm not sure but I know that sometimes when I dwell on the things that trigger me, I get angry and become an indiscriminate weapon (like a grenade) just able to hurt whoever is around by chance rather than targeting the person the anger is for.

To your question about who will believe you, it is more complex than that. Our legal system is based on evidence and the criminal system has a very high standard of proof. The prosecutor will accept your version. The defence will accept their clients' version. The Judge, that is the variable. They are just human and all have their own system of beliefs and biases, no matter how much they consciously may try to compensate for them, they cannot stop their sub-conscious influences.

You must have seen news stories (even in recent times) where Judges have made the most moronic statements from the bench, accusing rape victims of "asking for it" and even mitigating child molesters motives. In one recent case, the girl was thirteen but the judge accepted the offenders' claim that she looked older. Even if she did (which is BS) the offence against children is absolute for a thirteen year old. There can be no consent at law, in any form.

Of course, the pendulum swings the other way and many Judges give such vile creatures as much of a thumping as the law allows. The difficulty for both victims and those accused is that any bias is a bad thing. The victim deserves justice as much as the accused. No one wants to see an innocent person convicted, except perhaps the offender whose place s/he takes in the gaol system!

So, maybe not the message of encouragement I'd like to give, just my observations of the court system. Nonetheless, like any unreported crime, only the offender will benefit. I would urge you to tell your story, at least you'll know you've done all you could.

I am thinking of you a lot and before my word count expires!!!

Kind regards, John.

CrashCoyote · ‎16-06-2014

Hi Mary,

Thank you for your post. I am sorry to hear you are struggling today.

I leave next Friday bound for India, Morocco, Spain, France, Belgium, Italy, Greece, the UK, Greece again and Thailand. So much to see but I am excited, and so is my son who is travelling for the first four weeks with me and going everywhere except the UK and Thailand. I'll be gone for ten weeks. I'm taking a tablet (not as in meds!) so will keep contributing while away.

My first posting was Darlinghurst Police Station and believe me when I tell you that the people that live around there have no right to be snobs, well, maybe Rose Bay. I also worked at Campbelltown in the early 2000's and if you think the locals don't like people with a job, they like 'em a lot less when that job is law enforcement. LOL.

I have never seen such open and concentrated hatred for authority figures as I saw in that area. You know, Rose Ghetto, Amber Gaol. A lot of decent people live and work in that area, but they aren't the ones usually interacting with police. The work you are doing with the Aboriginal Community is admirable. Now there is a group in society that need all the support they can get. Most trot out the whole welfare thing but I have done a fair bit of work in their communities, too, and they have the worst access to health, education, law, nutrition, housing, well, everything.

Please don't feel too bad about having a home day. I think we all get them, a lot! I just tell myself that as I get older and crankier it is a natural progression. Still, one day I'll be on that property with plenty of space around me and no crowds. That isn't such a bad dream, is it?

I am thinking of you and I do look forward to your posts.

Kind regards, John.