Thanks smallwolf,
The place I can most easily do meditation or mindfulness is my favourite rocky hill by the ocean. I feel safely held there. What I think can happen for people with PTSD in their system is the allowing you mention leads to flooding of their nervous system and this is where resistance can come in. Whenever I completely let go this is what happens to me and I’m flooded with strong sensations and emotions - grief, shame, fear etc. I will then often throw up as my body gets rid of the toxic stuff. But I’m ok with this because I’ve learned this is actually healing and is how those things release from my body, especially in that place where I feel safe.
Working with my psychologist has really helped in this regard as she has held space for me to feel my emotions whereby they can work their way out. So I think for people carrying certain kinds of traumas, allowing oneself to just be can initially be resisted as a survival response. It can really take a lot, especially with accumulated trauma, to allow oneself to let go and pass through the flooding stage. I’m gradually learning to stay with it and allow it but it can be initially challenging and frightening. I think that’s why some people may opt for distraction over mindfulness. It’s probably why I more often go out with my camera where I have that to focus on, which is like a form of mindfulness being absorbed in nature, but is different to sitting in meditation without a task. I hope to more easily flow into mindfulness whether in a task (e.g. photography) or not over time.
I’m thinking of going to mindfulness classes I saw a flyer for in a neighbouring town too. I’m sort of always doing it at one level as I’m always noticing the breeze, the animals and birds etc, but there’s almost always hypervigilance present as well. But I do go into a flow state more easily in nature than anywhere else. I’m slowly learning to let go.
