Mental health is a circle

[Loula]

Am I the only person that thinks mental health is a circle?

You go good then bad then good then bad and your just in circles? Like nothing stays still. It may slow slow down the circle but you are always still moving. It’s like you can never get stable or be well.

I have Bipolar and I’m coming to realise it will always control me. That I will never ever beat it. I will learn to live with it but I will never control it. As much medication I take as many sessions I have with my psychiatrist I still can wake up sick tomorrow and it sucks. And I’m really hating it as I’m a control freak!

Dose anyone get to the point that they get tired on being on the circle? I hate getting ill and having to fight my way out. Like the fight is not the struggle I’ve come out of pure black times before I can do it agin but why do I want to fight jut to get better for a few months to stay on the circle.

Just why can’t it go away like a cold. I hate that this is for life. I hate having to wake up every day planing every moment out so I don’t get triggered, that’s not living. I just want to get of the circle and I don’t know breath.

Sorry lots of thoughts.

[geoff]

Hello Loula, and I can see that you have been involved on this site many times before, which I really want to thank you.

I'm not too knowledgeable about BP but what I do know is that it can also be brought on by a change in health habits, stress, drug or alcohol, but I'm sure to be on this circle can make you be less interested in doing activities you normally enjoy making you feel tired.

What I also know is that someone suffering from depression can have their really, really bad days compared to just being depressed, I know it's not the same as you suffering from Bipolar and feel sorry for you.

I hope someone with BP can reply back to you, I only wanted to let you know that we do care.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[White_Rose]

Hello Loula

Thank you for telling us your story. I most certainly can relate to your question. I used to fight against the knowledge of my depression, get angry, it's not fair, why can the doctor not cure me etc. But before I go on I want you to know I recognise Bipolar is not depression or the other way round. I suspect you also be depressed as a result of having Bipolar but the real problem is with having Bipolar.

I think you are correct in many respects about the constant presence of our various MH difficulties. We do go round in circles I believe until we finally learn to live with which ever MH condition we have. I have been told, and frequently read about making friends with our MI instead of fighting it. The problem there is how do we make friends. If someone would please tell me maybe I would not resent my depression.

For me the answer is to learn to adjust my life to accommodate my MI. I do not believe our various ailments need necessarily rule our lives or that we cannot beat them. Playing them at their own game is more effective. What triggers you and me? I know some things and avoid them. Not sure if this is the same with Bipolar.

What I do know is that the more we fight against the MI the more overwhelming it gets and it also becomes overwhelming. I have myeloma which is a blood cancer. It's not active although the doctor tells I will need treatment in a few years. I can allow the thoughts of what will happen then to worry me and quite possibly trigger the illness to be active earlier. But it sits at the back of my mind and every two months I have various tests to see what is happening. Apart from getting the tests done and seeing the doctor I ignore the whole thing, though I suspect there is a corner of my mind that holds the knowledge.

There is not much I can do, though losing weight is helping. It's a bit of a sleeping dragon, not curable but treatable. I don't understand this so I live as though it is not there. In the end it's the only way to manage something of this nature. It's the same with my depression. It's much less intrusive now than several years ago but may spring into life if I become very stressed, don't look after myself with basics such as food and sleep.

Not sure if any of this helpful to you. I think I am saying manage the basic care meds/sleep/diet which have a huge impact on our MI and live the way you want.

Mary

[Loula]

Thank you both for the reply’s and telling me your story’s but I don’t feel you get what I’m saying.

I understand my illness and have accepted it even though I hate it and I have adjusted my life to live with it which I think is shitty because I’m not 100% really loving. I’m living a routine and I want to live free but you 100% can’t do that with a mental disorder sadly.

But what I’m saying is I’m over keeping on going on something that won’t stop. I can have my scheduled life, I can have my medication I can have my psychiatrist but that won’t put me on a straight path I’m still on a circle. I’m 100% going to get sick. I’m 100% going to have highs that can’t destroy my life and lows that I have to battle out of. And again I have thought them before numerous times but now I’m thinking why do I even bother. Next week I’m just going to fight another battle. Life is just going to be a scheduled, medication and battles and some human time in between and I’m over it. I just want to break free from this circle. I want to move forward but there is literally no forward and I’m just getting frustrated.

[White_Rose]

Hello Loula

I am sorry for not understanding what you are saying. I hope it did not upset you much. I do agree agree that a MI means constant care of yourself and in many cases it does not go away. I know from my own experience that day to day care can be exhausting and seems like a never ending story. Do we have an alternative? I wish I could say yes to that but I have not found a way to live well that does not include working on my mental health.

Working on my MI is not negotiable because the consequences are bad. Similar thing with diabetes if I do not take care what I eat and exercise regularly. I hate it but ignoring it means a shortened life. Do I enjoy my self care? Only in that it makes the rest of my life more comfortable. I have fought and complained about these things but it makes no difference. In the end the choice is between keeping myself as healthy as possible or reconciling myself to an uncomfortable and shorter life.

Why has it happened to me? Who knows but it's something I cannot change so I choose to make friends with it. Not much choice really. I do get your frustration and it's there in my own life. What I can do is make the rest of life as happy as I can. Not preaching, just looking at the reality.

So what do you think will help you manage your life? Your medication should be keeping you on an even keel, and if it does not then get your meds reviewed. Tell your psychiatrist about your frustration and get validation for the way you feel. It is good when someone listens to your story without trying to 'jolly' you along. Simply sitting with you helps a great deal.

Practice mindfulness. I think you may have already been told this but it doesn't negate how much it can help. I have found it a calming influence in my life.

Let me know what you think.

Mary