Low self esteem

[white knight]

Its one if those descriptions often repeated on this forum.

Low self esteem could have come about for any reason. Commonly, I'd suggest, developed from childhood with lack of praise and encouragement or worse, regular put downs by others. Whatever the reason what can you do to raise your confidence?

Let's be realistic, we can't change the past. So logical yet we can easily fall into the "wallowing" of hoping we can and living in the past. Churning over past times is unproductive. Let's stick to the present to shape our future.

We can try to rely on others to mend our self esteem. But how far can the encouragement from a partner take us towards a higher self esteem? Will the endurance needed by our partner from trying to lift our spirits take its toll on them over time.?

If your parents are to largely be blamed for your low self esteem now that you are an adult do you think they will take responsibility for it now? Are they too old to cast blame on? Was their ways common in that period ("stop crying, be a real man")...are you going to go about solving this problem by pointing fingers? When is it time you tackled it yourself with perhaps professional guidance?

What can we do about it?

On this forum we often convey how we overcame problems. Its a real life experience answer rather than theory alone.

Married for 11 years by the time it ended I felt worthless, a failure and grieved for the loss of my full time fatherhood. It came natural for me one evening to stare into the mirror and aloud say "you are a good person, you are kind and a good father, you'll be OK because I believe in myself". This was repeated daily.

Other thoughts I created was to accept that I wasn't far removed from other people in terms of ability. For example. I'm the handyman type. If some people can build their own home why can't I? I then did.

What are your natural or trained abilities? Capitalise on them. I knew a lady in her 50's that felt she was useless at everything. I pointed out she has great ability to make quilts. She won a prize soon after at a country show. She might not be oozing with confidence with other things but few could make a quilt like her. Reason to feel uniquely successful. Find your niche.

Praise yourself for your abilities. Take your low self esteem as a personal challenge and realise other people appearing confident often are not so internally. Its all a mask.

Write parts of your childhood on a rock with chalk and...throw it in a river....

Tony WK

[Just Sara]

Hi Tony;

This is an important post and goes hand in hand with issues faced on this forum daily. I'm wondering about people's interpretation of what 'self-esteem' is to them.

I'd like to use something you wrote;

We can try to rely on others to mend our self esteem. But how far can the encouragement from a partner take us towards a higher self esteem? Will the endurance needed by our partner from trying to lift our spirits take its toll on them over time.?

The 1st thing that struck me about this statement, was how we come to rely on others as a form of feedback to know who we are. The 2nd, is why we sometimes find it difficult to 'believe' the positive feedback. The 3rd, is I guess the difference between encouragement with anxiety for instance, vs building up (or lowering) our sense of self.

I've written previously about my negative work experiences; my P-file is full of how bad an employee or person they said I was, but didn't include the amazing accomplishments I created or challenges I overcame. Reading through those documents was one of the most painful things I've had to do. It's taken me a very long time to reconcile their hurtful and destructive words, but getting to know myself and accepting those doc's were part of a negative agenda helped.

We're all flawed; but balanced thought and acceptance of our beautiful qualities is a must to survive the bad days, and improve on the good.

Good on you Tony for sharing your positive comments to your lady friend; spread the love!

Kind thoughts...Dizzy x

[white knight]

Thank Dizzy.

Your feedback is so appropriate.

As a young prison officer I was taught the very best practice of supervision. Address a prisoner incorrectly and the outcome could be dangerous.

One becomes a master of "greasing the cherry tree" a term used to prime another person with positive comments prior to issuing another task. Eg "Smith, you did a fine job cleaning that stove...could you please include the grilled next time." Rather than "Smith you forgot the griller".

If the (approx) 100 managers I had over my working life only 2 had similar qualities. So it doesn't surprise me the lack of acknowledgement you got from above.

One if the best examples I've seen of this is the occupation of cleaner. I knew a lot of cleaners on an Army base. They use to explain how thankless the job was in that their supervisors never told them how spotless a toilet cistern was but if it wasn't clean...well that was noticeable. Hence the negative workplace atmosphere.

Running your eyes over past events trying to make sense of what is often a situation of bullying or a hidden motive can be challenging. The reason management act out their agendas is often never known which can leave some in a confused state. You are right Dizzy, praising yourself helps you improve " on the good". For you'd be waiting a long time for a negative hurtful supervisor to send you some.

I still throw those rocks in the river but at times I dream karma will finish it all off.eg I want more results of past unfinished business than just throwing a rock in the river...I want more!

"Relying in feedback to know who we are". Sad really that we are that low we need others positive vibes to rubber stamp our belief in ourselves when it should come automatically that we are doing the right thing. This can lead to anger, in my case anyway, can't vouch for others.

The one thing I've been developing in my mind in regard to my low self esteem is acceptance. Accepting life includes humans with evil or nasty intent, stubbornness, criminality, arrogance and so forth.

As my therapist told me in 1987 "you won't survive well as a black and white thinking person when living in a grey world".

Tony WK

[Just Sara]

Your reply is insightful and of great help in knowing others understand what leads to break-downs of self in work environments.

Tony, it's obvious your connection to our community has been radically affected by experience as has mine. I've locked myself away in my home to protect the vulnerable self that's survived my ordeal.

You are so right when you say; "For you'd be waiting a long time for a negative hurtful supervisor to send you some" This sentiment can be applied to every type of relationship. Waiting for someone to mirror our greatness can be a waste of time and effort; unfortunately a lesson learned oh so late in life.

My sense of balance is slowly returning and hope isn't lost due to this. My protective bubble of trust and boundaries has become stronger and wiser which I know will serve me well in the future. More importantly though, is the knowledge I don't need others to know just how capable a person I am.

Again, great thread Tony...Dizzy x