Love Letters

[scorch]

Hi guys.

I've been reading so many of your stories on this forum and I felt so moved I just had to start this thread.  This post will go on for a while, but please read it.  I hope it will be able to help you in some way.

So many of us are hurting and feel like there is no hope in the future. But the fact that you are here, on this forum, shows that you are strong.  It shows that you want to fight to keep your head above the dark, cold sea that is depression and mental illness.  I have been so inspired by the sheer willpower that so many of you have shown.  When you reach out for help, you might see a weak arm grasping at nothing... but I see huge bulging biceps that are clawing you through the water toward light and land.

You guys give me strength and hope and encouragement.  I wish you could see how amazing you all are.

And so because of that, I'd like to share with you something that I have done to help me see just how far I've come.  When I start to feel like a failure, like nothing I do is good enough or right. When I feel ugly and weak and stupid, I stop and I read a letter.  It is a letter I wrote to myself, a love letter of encouragement.

I think we should all write a love letter to ourselves at least once in our lives.  Strip back the lies that our minds push on us for a moment and really look at our lives honestly.  Yes we have flaws, yes we have failed sometimes... but we are more than our failures!  We are unique and beautiful, we have talents, we have hidden strengths, we are on a journey and not yet at the end.  It's good to remember these things.  We NEED to remember these things, and to be honest with ourselves enough to be able to see these things, not just our flaws.

It can be such a trap, the lure of believing the negative and blowing it out of proportion, while we crush the positive aspects of our natures into a dark, hidden corner.  I know it sounds crazy but sometimes it's easier to believe the bad in us than to face to good of us.  Well, that's how it is for me anyway.

So, I'll stop rattling on now but I hope you understand what I'm trying to say.  Sometimes we need to be reminded that WE ARE ALLOWED TO LOVE OURSELVES.  And the best reminder has to come from us.  

So I will share my love letter.  I wrote this to myself last month.  It’s a poem, although it doesn’t rhyme… but poems don’t always have to rhyme.  It’s probably the most honest thing I have ever written and it is a big deal for me to share it.  But I hope that by sharing it, maybe I can help you guy see the beauty and worth in yourselves too.

[Jo3]

Hi Scorch,

That is so true.  But for me I don't think I can write a love letter to myself.  I find it extremely difficult, confronting and emotional - there's no way I can do that.

It would be too difficult - where do I start. How do I start.  It's all those negative things that go round in my head, telling me how weak I am. I really don't see anything beautiful in my life, it's all negative. Maybe one day I can, I don't know.  I would like to but it's too confronting for me.

Looking forward to reading your love letter.  

Jo xxx

[geoff]

dear Scorch, I love this comment and how true it is, but when someone like Jo can't do this, that's OK, we know how you feel Jo, and there will be others who won't be able to do this as well, but deep down it's there within you, we know this, we know from your responses back to other people, how caring you and there are many others who are doing the same, so it's there with you all, but you can't express all these feelings to yourself, but you can think about this, and understand why can't I love myself, but love other people, especially on this site.

Jo I am responding to you as you are the first to reply, and I want to post a comment later on which I want you and all the others to think about, ( I hope that I remember but I have written it down to do so ) and this will endeavour to block all those awful thoughts, it won't be easy and you may say NO I can't do this but you have to experience it, and if for some reason I forget please remind me.

Scorch we need some love from a letter but before anyone says that they can't do it, please take a break and think deeply about the words, and read it several times, there is no problem with you if you don't believe that you can do it, or accept it, but we can then reply to you. L Geoff. x

[strangebrew]

I agree with your points and how difficult it is even just to admit a need for help, let alone ask for it, and consistently keep fighting for some control or happiness or even just stability in our lives.

But right now I am at the same place as Jo that I would find it very very difficult to write something like that to myself. My personal self hatred and anger has been worse over the last few months but at some point (whether it is sooner or later) that I can come to terms with that and find some peace and happiness and who knows even love for myself. I have spent my whole life beating myself up for my failures, and that trend is continuing unfortunately. But seeing that other people can get past that and learn some love for themselves at least gives me hope as to what can be possible.

I just want to be there...

[scorch]

Hi Jo and strangebrew.

I understand that you don't feel able to do this, and that is fine.  *hugs*  It took me a long time to get to a place where I was able to look honestly at myself and realise I wasn't the horrible creature my mind was telling me I was.  Writing a love letter isn't for everyone, but I guess the point it makes for me is it gives me something real, something solid to see and touch and experience when my mind starts running to that dark, dark place.  It helps me to focus and stay in the light, to remember that I am worth loving and that the love I need must come from myself.

I just want you to know that, even if you can't see any good in yourselves... other people can.  I personally see strength and courage in the words you both have posted, so even if you can't see i or believe it - I hope you still take some comfort from that.

And what Geoff wrote was so true and expressed so well.  We should all listen to his voice of experience - that man has so much wisdom floating around in his head!

[scorch]

Earlier today I tried to share my love letter poem with you, but because some of the imagery I used could be triggering it's in violation of BB rules.  So, sadly I won't be able to post it here. 

While I am upset that I can't share my poem I just want to say thank you to the moderator who sent the email explaining why - I really appreciate that you didn't edit my words because the poem means so much to me and is such a raw expression of how I feel, if anyone edited it I would feel quite violated. 

I understand why BB won't let it on here, because I definitely don't want to accidentally trigger anyone with my words, but I do feel disappointed because of all the people in the world - you guys are the only ones I feel comfortable sharing it with... and I thought maybe it might actually do some good.  😞  I was just trying to do some good.

It might sound stupid but sharing that poem was a really big deal for me, I psyched myself up for a week before I had the courage to post... and I feel really upset and down that it was denied. 
Even though I absolutely understand... It still hurts, you know? And I cried.  A lot.

I don't really know what to feel right now.   

I'm sorry.

[Jo3]

Hi Scorch

I am sorry you couldn't have your poem published on here. I was actually looking forward to reading your poem. I can understand how disappointed you are because it took a lot of courage for you to write it. I understand the reasons why BB didn't publish it but I understand also your point of view.

But do you know Scorch, you are a strong person, a courageous person for taking the steps in writing your love letter.  That takes a lot of hard effort to do and you are amazing.

Pls take care

Jo xxx

[scorch]

Thank you Jo.  So, so much *hugs*  I take a lot of encouragement from the strength that YOU show on here, so when you say I am strong it really gives me a boost.  I don't feel like I show courage, but like I said in my first post here - we sometimes need to step back and really look at ourselves honestly, and you know what?  Even though I don't feel it, maybe I am a little bit courageous.

I decided this morning that even though I was disappointed yesterday, it doesn't have to keep me down for long.  I'm still hurting - but I know that it's my illness telling me the stupid things that are going on in my head... it's not the truth!  So I'm choosing to pick myself up and I'm going to write a BB friendly love letter to myself right now!

It won't be beautiful, and it won't be as in depth or revealing as my poem.  But it's gonna be real, gonna be truthful and it's gonna come from the heart.  So here goes...

Dear Scorch,

You have come so far and suffered so much.  You've made mistakes, you've done stupid things and made really bad decisions but even so, I am proud of you.  I'm proud of you because you had the option of staying in a dark place but you chose to chase the light.  You could have wasted your life, wallowing in that comfortable yet squalid pit made up of addiction, depression and self harm.  But you chose the hard road of recovery.  It would have been easier to stay where you were... you hated it, but at least you understood it.  You feared it, but at least in that place there was  no danger of further disappointment... you expected only negative things, so you kept the good away.  It felt safe there, even though it was killing you.

But you took that hard road.  You took a chance and worked hard, and you've come so far even though it didn't seem like you were getting anywhere at the time.  I know you aren't anywhere near you want to end up yet, but you're still working on it - and you've come so far.  I am proud!  And it's hard to write that, because you've been conditioned to believe the negative and distrust the positive, but it's true.  I am proud of you because you have accomplished many things and never given up, even though you wanted to many times.

I love you.  I love you because you've taken your pain and learned from it, and through those experiences you've managed to help others get by in this life a little easier.  You make an effort to help people even though it terrifies you just walking out your front door, let alone communicating with others.  I love you because you've been able to recognise that the voices in your head don't always tell the truth, and even though they still make you feel things... your stubbornness and willpower doesn't let them get the best of you.  At least not often anymore.  And hey, they used to call all the shots for the first 18 years of your life, so cudos to you for being able to keep them at bay over the last 9.  Those voices have had more years experience at being in charge, but dammit... you're stronger than them!

I hope when bad days come and the darkness falls over your heart you can remember this letter and feel proud of your accomplishments.  You are not a bad person, no matter what those voices say.  You are beautiful, even though the world says you aren't.  Your numerous illness, mental and physical - they don't define you!  Because your body, it's just gift wrapping for your soul.  And like you once told a friend, sometimes the most meaningful and amazing gifts are given in tatty, torn paper. 

Scorch, your soul is glorious and shiny and beautiful and important.

You are important.  Never forget it.

Love Yourself. 

[Jo3]

Such a beautiful letter Scorch!!!

You had me in tears while reading your love letter.  I just wish I had some strength and courage to do the same.  I have written a letter to my inner child but haven't posted it yet.  Maybe one day soon I will post it.

Thanks for sharing your letter with us.

Take care

Jo xx