Love Hugs and Kisses

[Doolhof]

Hi Everyone, 

I posted the following questions on the BB Café thread and received some insightful answers from people who both appreciate the sentiments and others who do not find these expressions helpful to themselves. There are no right or wrong answers to my questions, they are just questions to reveal how people feel.

 These are basically the questions I asked:

I would just like to know what it means to you to read that people are sending you love, hugs, kisses and other best wishes. 

How comforting, appreciated and special is it to receive these comments?

Do these comments make a difference to how you are feeling and thinking?

For me personally, I find them to be heart warming, to know that people care enough to share their well meaning with others.

Some people may find these sentiments flippant and to not mean anything, so I would like to know your responses.

Remember there are no right or wrong answers, just your own opinion.

I'm posting this in the STAYING WELL section, as the comfort and encouragement some people may receive from these comments and sentiments may be just what that individual requires right now.

Thanks all from Mrs. Dools

[White_Rose]

Hey Blondguy and Sherie

Take note of WK.  We are not health professionals, but we are mental illness professionals because we are the people who live with this every day, and it is our collective experiences that help others. Our empathy and understanding of where the other person is standing allows us to offer advice and suggestions as well as solid support. And this is available 24/7, unlike the health professionals. They do a great job generally but we can offer help between the consultations. So be careful how you disparage the wonderful folk who take the time to encourage and support others on BB. As in many organisations, the paid professionals do great work but would be lost without the army of volunteers.

When I make any comments on BB it is also from my heart. I want to help the other person take another step in their journey and I try to be positive and caring. Remember the song "I'd like to build the world a home and furnish it with love." I would like to do this too and my comments are an expression of love and care.

For the record I get a hug when I see my psychologist and when I leave and I feel cared for.

I am sad you have missed the point of this discussion and hurt WK who is a great champion.

Mary

[blondguy]

Oh Golly

And thankyou Mary...and Tony for speaking your mind....sincerely

I had no intention of undermining Tony Mary. And Tony if I have I am very sorry for doing so.

Mary I am also sad that you have also missed the point on this discussion. There are different definitions of 'professional' in both the Oxford and Cambridge dictionaries.

I was only referring to the point that we have no formal training in this area. Thus Sherie was correct.

Tony and yourself Mary are correct as well..we are 'qualified where life experience' is concerned and we do have a 'better grasp of mental illness than many health professionals'. We just dont get paid for it.

We all live and breathe these dreadful symptoms Mary. We are very well aware of Tonys commitment and vast experience that I read often on the forums and learn from too.. I have nothing but respect for his experience and expertise where mental health is concerned.

Please have the grace to leave respect Sherie's opinion. She meant well and I will continue to support her as long as I am able to. Sherie has difficulty sleeping....Please read the posts on this. Be Kind...please.

Its good to actually see you respond to other carers Mary...There is nothing like a healthy discussion. I am trying hard to avoid an overly "clinical' feel in these forums...Exactly what I learned from TonyWK

Quality not Quantity

Kind Thoughts

Paul

[Guest_1055]

Hi everyone

I am a little scared to say what I think. Because I am an extremely huggy person. Also I have well....... a fear of conflict.

But to be truthful, when I read some posts that members have written, and I am not quite sure, but I think I can see there feelings and emotions behind there words. I can't always understand logically what they are saying. For example, I have just read all your replies and can see a lot of different emotions that you are all giving off. I can understand a bit of what you are saying, but the emotions you are portraying speak louder to me, then the words.

I do think some people are coming on these forums for advice. And I often read this in there post. These people don't seem to have much emotions behind there words. They may be only after factual advice. So I know there are others on here that can give that to them and help in that way. But I am not created that way, it is not my strength. Others have that strength.

Then there are other people who post on here, that I believe are feeling alone, in need of comfort, in need of physical reassurance and in need of physical human touch. Because perhaps some people really don't have that need met for human touch by anyone else on the outside of here.  And also they may not feel loved either. So I know I can help them by giving a virtual hug from me to them. So perhaps that helps them feel not so alone and that someone does love them. I also love to receive hugs because well... I do actually feel them and it helps me feel connected to that person.

When I wanted to end my life...... At the very point, I wanted someone to love me. To be truthful I didn't want advice at that particular time. Just someone to hold me. Advice would be welcomed later, when I am more rational.

I do think we need all of us on here. All with our different strengths and personalities. All working together like a team really to achieve the same goal. The goal being for all of us to be well or something. And to do that sometimes you need good advice, sometimes you need a comforting hug, and I have just recently find out....well you need lightness or a bit of humour as well to reach our goal. Which some people are great at contributing to that.  Way good......

I am cautious now of giving hugs, but it is definitely my way of saying to each one of you that I care about you.

OK that is it for me

Shell xx

[Guest_5218]

Hi White Rose.

Thanks for your post to me.  I have taken note of WK, and I have re-read his posts as well as my own, to try to find where I have somehow shown disrespect of his views.  There are none!

I have said several times through this thread that I dont have a problem in accepting that other people have a different view to what I do.  That is just life ..........  I am very often on the minority side of discussions, and it appears that I probably am here.  But I dont have a problem with that!

I cannot say enough how much I admire, respect and appreciate all that you Community Champions do for the rest of us.  So I thank each and every one of you for your selfless devotion and community spirit.  

I never said at any point that WK claimed to be a health professional.  But I have said a few times that we arent health practitioners, and by saying that I meant that we dont really have a lot to offer people other than our empathy and understanding.  And that can include love hugs and kisses. 

I too am greatly saddened that WK has apparently been hurt by something that I may have said?  He is a great champion, and I greatly respect his posts.

But Mary, you say that I have missed the point of the discussion?  Can you perhaps elaborate to me what exactly the point of the discussion is?   Perhaps I am missing something here?  Is there some ulterior motive behind the reason for this thread?  In retrospect Kaz has perhaps alluded to something in her first post to this thread: "I know why you've raised it Mrs Dools and I'm grateful you have, and I hope others will express their views". 

JessF - I appreciate your point of view, and there is probably truth in what you say.  However, isnt it better that otherwise isolated people have 'internet friends', rather than the alternative of none at all?  For me personally I dont believe coming here is in any way forcing me to remain socially isolated. Probably quite the opposite in fact.  It has given me a little bit of self confidence and self worth.  As such, I am likely to become less isolated, not more. I do point out that this is the only source of 'social media' that I use, as I do not use facebook or anything else like that.

Anyway it now appears that this thread, which started as a discussion, has now become more of a battle, or an argument.  I hate conflict, dont need it and am not up to it.  And therefore, I am not even going to look at this thread any more.  I'm sorry Mrs Dools.

Cheers all,

Sherie xx

[white knight]

Thankyou Paul

[blondguy]

Anytime Tony...I have nothing but respect for what you have achieved on BB and have learned a great deal from your posts...and I empathise for what you have been through too...

Your friend

🙂

Paul

[Doolhof]

Hi Everyone,

Thanks so much for all your contributions and thoughts on this topic.  Your replies are varied and mixed and that is okay, because we are all individuals and have the right to our own feelings about this topic.

If you are a person who likes to share your affection and care with others, then, please, please, please continue to send your cyber hugs out to others. You may feel in your heart and mind that is just what that person needs right now.

Others of you will have a different approach to answering and responding, and that is wonderful also. We are all a diverse group, we have different needs, and are able to give different things to people as well.

That is why we are a "Community" each one of us has something we can give to another person, in the whole, we all contribute to the needs of others here on this forum.

Like I mentioned at the beginning, there is no right or wrong answer here.

When I first connected to BB I was in a very depressed state and at times felt like I was a threat to my own life and existence. I struck up a "friendship" with some people here and received lots of help and support, both the hugs and love kind and the practical.

The combination helped me through a really tough time! The conglomeration of responses we all provide here may be just what other people need as well.

We are all individuals. We all have our own gifts and talents and ways of communicating. Let's continue to use the attributes we have to help each other.

I would like to encourage you all in your own life's journey and in continuing to reach out to others in your own individual style.

I'm sending cyber hugs to those who appreciate them and encouragement to you all, plus thanks for all the wonderful posts all through the forum.

Cheers all from Mrs. Dools

[White_Rose]

Mrs Dools wrote

These are basically the questions I asked:
I would just like to know what it means to you to read that people are sending you love, hugs, kisses and other best wishes. 
How comforting, appreciated and special is it to receive these comments?
Do these comments make a difference to how you are feeling and thinking?

As I understand it, this discussion arose on the Cafe thread and various people responded.  Mrs Dools has since transferred the discussion to this part of the forum for further discussion. I do not post on the cafe thread so did not join the discussion at that time.

I have often sent hugs to people I write to. You will not have seen these posts as I have not been writing a great deal just lately. I have been struggling with my own physical and emotional difficulties.

I agreed with Jess that some posters appear to want hugs as a means of avoiding their own problems. And that's OK. We can only support these folk until they are ready to move to the next step. I have found in general that responses to anyone have been warm, empathetic, factual, supportive and caring. When I wrote my last comment Jess' last comment had not appeared. I want to thank Jess for her comments and applaud her ability to cut to the heart of the matter. Virtual friends are comforting but real life friends are messy and complicated. And it takes a lot of effort to get on with them. Please read her comments about social isolation because this is what I have been struggling to say.

Paul, I am unsure what you meant by Its good to actually see you respond to other carers Mary. I tend to respond to those who do not get many replies as that is the point of the champions group. So I do not join in the same conversations as you very often for that reason. I hope that what's you meant.

My comments to you and and Sherie were certainly not intended to be rude but I was getting a little distressed at the way the conversation was going. Yes, all points of view are valid, but it seemed to me that some viewpoints were not recognised. I note you did not respond to my original comment.

Others are looking for different responses and I try to support their needs. I also endeavour to be warm not  clinical, but at times these writers want information and advice which I can sometimes supply. I can also reassure them they are not alone in their pain and distress, that their emotions are valid. In those situations I do not believe a hug quite meets the need.

So no more from me on this topic.

Mary

[Kazzl]

So, what have we achieved? We now know that some people like hugs and some don't. And we found that out by opening a can of worms that upset a few people. Unintended consequence, I know. Now everyone's made up, so it's business as usual ...?

Cost-benefit analysis? Big for none in my view. 

[white knight]

While in a state of anger or disappointment I am not very positive. However over time I swing back to my positive self.

I see positives in nearly every situation after the tsunami has ebbed. So I've learned a lot about some members here through this thread.

What I have known for several years also is that computers have some big negatives lurking under some amazing positives. We don't see people smiling as they type a comment that often leads to misunderstanding. We can read our own comments over and over and not see anything worthy of the other person being upset by them. We can misinterpret so many things. But this thread has highlighted that even with moderation, rules, good intent etc we can all fall into a trough of conflict.

Being fair isn't easy in this situation. I mean having the ability to read your own posts and see them from anothers viewpoint is nigh impossible. So to be really fair we need to have a quality of "giving the benefit of the doubt".....indeed another word for this is trust.

We can move on from it if we trust that others, in this case beautiful wonderful members trust that the other party didn't intend to offend. I've also re-read the thread and that pledge of "not meaning to hurt you" was there from everyone.

Trust through the benefit of the doubt is alive and well on this forum. So to continue on if we needed one step back so be it because we proved we have that trust. Many positives in that.

For the first time I've changed my avatar to my beaut little mini Foxy "Miss Rosie". Hope you like her picture.

Tony WK