Love Hugs and Kisses

[Doolhof]

Hi Everyone, 

I posted the following questions on the BB Café thread and received some insightful answers from people who both appreciate the sentiments and others who do not find these expressions helpful to themselves. There are no right or wrong answers to my questions, they are just questions to reveal how people feel.

 These are basically the questions I asked:

I would just like to know what it means to you to read that people are sending you love, hugs, kisses and other best wishes. 

How comforting, appreciated and special is it to receive these comments?

Do these comments make a difference to how you are feeling and thinking?

For me personally, I find them to be heart warming, to know that people care enough to share their well meaning with others.

Some people may find these sentiments flippant and to not mean anything, so I would like to know your responses.

Remember there are no right or wrong answers, just your own opinion.

I'm posting this in the STAYING WELL section, as the comfort and encouragement some people may receive from these comments and sentiments may be just what that individual requires right now.

Thanks all from Mrs. Dools

[blondguy]

Hi Everyone 🙂

Good post Mrs Dools...and thanks

Just an positive example on this....When Sherie gives me a hug or a kiss it is from her heart...it helps me feel better about myself and float by my bad 'feelings'

Kaz...Thankyou for 'Beware of Paralysis by Analysis'  I will borrow that if I can 🙂

JessF... Thankyou Angela Lansbury for mentioning balance being the key...it is..

I prefer a more friendly and personal touch on BB. After a person summons the strength to write their first post with their issues....Empathy is fine....'clinical' is out...

Just my thoughts (Hi Geoff..give your wonderful pooch a pat for me)

Kind Thoughts

Paul

[Starwolf]

Hello to all,

Having already responded via the BB cafe, I will not take up more space here.

All above responses only show that everyone is different and has different reactions to the same thing. We all have different needs : some of us need nurturing TLC, while others may do better with a bit of respectful stirring up. These needs may change from one day to the next. The only thing we can do is try to get a feel of the person behind the post and respond to the best of our ability.

Having grown up deprived of parental affection (can't remember being held or cuddled in childhood) and being gang raped later by people I trusted has meant that for many years I was not capable of giving what I never had. Receiving was even worse and I shunned physical contact. I remember running to my uncle's mechanical workshop to cover myself in motor oil and grease just to avoid being embraced by visiting relatives ! These days, although not a natural smoocher, I enjoy giving and receiving a heartfelt hug. Some days, it is just what the inner doctor ordered.

As far as I am concerned, there's no clear cut answer. It all depends on the people involved...and timing. I think intuition and sensitivity are the key to responding adequately.

So best wishes, kind thoughts or cyber hugs to you all. Just take your pick !

[Kazzl]

Well said Starwolf. Thank you for your thoughts hun.

The way I see it, the forum can be (amongst other things) a place where people can learn and 'test' emotional expressions and behaviours that maybe they have never been able to use before. If that ultimately translates into a greater ease in doing so in their daily lives in the offline world, then that's a bonus. If it doesn't at least they have found a safe place to express themselves.

If it works don't fix it.

By the way Paul you are very welcome to use 'beware of paralysis by analysis' - not my original mate. It's often used (but sadly not always followed) in the public service. Cheers Kaz

[Guest_5218]

Hi all,

I have enjoyed reading all your responses to this topic.  As expected peoples ideas on it, vary considerably.  And I can see certain points that each of you have raised, and I understand them.

Never underestimate the power that the knowledge that someone cares can have on a person's wellbeing.  It can provide inspiration and incentive to try new things to help them get well.  And then they can continue to receive the support and encouragement from their peers here to continue on that path to recovery.  Part of doing that is to develop a bond with the person, to understand them and their problems.  And to help them find their own way through the 'maze' of mental illness.  

As I continue to point out, we are not qualified mental health practitioners.  Perhaps if we were, none of us would need the support and guidance of these Forums?  But we can offer peer support.  Many of the people here, myself included, isolate themselves socially and have no other real means of support or encouragement. I personally find it very helpful knowing that I have 'friends' here who are going to offer continuing support, encouragement and yes, hugs and kisses when I need it.  

Often that alone, is enough to provide the will to keep fighting.  I dont see it as a 'safe refuge', instead I see this as a place of inspiration and encouragement from people whom I respect.  And whom I want to prove to, that I can beat this.

Of course not everyone will feel the same way that I do.  But I can see from reading many posts here over the past 2 months, that a great many people do.

I would like to say that I agree wholeheartedly with what Kazzl has said in her opening comments of her post this morning:  "I don't think this is a big issue", and  "I don't see very many responses that are just hugs and kisses, except where people have become close to each other".  You are spot on here Kaz.  And dont worry you weren't too blunt, and I'm sure nobody will be cross over what you have said. Nobody should have to apologise for stating their opinion.

In closing, I offer a heartfelt hug to Mrs Dools and Paul.  And to you too Kaz, since you are feeling frazzled today. I know you will each accept this as its intended, and that you'll know I meant it with the very best of intentions.  

To everyone else - Have a great day, I wish you all well.

Cheers,

Sherie

[Guest_5218]

I note that both Starwolf and Kazzl were probably both posting at the same time as me, so your posts have come in after I posted my reply.

Just read your post Starwolf.  I totally agree with everything you have said there.  I think I may be a little similar to you, where I also grew up with no outward show of emotion or 'closeness' from my parents.  Not that they didnt love us kids, but simply because shows of emotion, either physical or mental, was not the done thing. My parents were not comfortable with any form of physical touching such as hugs or kisses, and they still arent.   Possibly as a result of my somewhat 'staid' upbringing I have often been described as being cold, distant or aloof. Personal circumstances 20 years ago probably reinforced and added to that.  It is really only about the past 10 years where I have started to feel comfortable, and now actually like, a hug from someone.  Cyber or otherwise!  I wouldnt say I'm a natural at it yet either,  but I am getting there.  And I do enjoy both giving and receiving a nice hug when I know its genuine.  As I said at the start Starwolf, I agree with you totally. And if I were clever enough, I would have written exactly as you have done.   ( - :

Starwolf - I'll take the cyber hug you offered thanks.  And return one to you.  xx

Kaz - Nice to hear from you again.  Hope you're okay?

Sherie xx

[Starwolf]

Hi there Sherie,

First of all you articulate and convey your feelings clearly.

Great to know you are breaking free from your childhood "staid" mold...as it can get a bit stifling at times !

Kazzl, I 'm totally with you. If online interaction acts as a stepping stone towards re-connecting with the outside world, then it has achieved a significant part of its purpose.

[blondguy]

Hey 'Starwoof' 😉

Kazzl has nailed this one Star.....If it not broken...dont fix it

Nice1 Kaz 🙂

Sherie...Well said....You are spot on..We are not Health Professionals/Practitioners..Nice1 Sherie xx

[white knight]

Hi all,

Blonde guy,  no one stated we are health professionals.

I feel my views on this topic are not accepted nor respected and withdraw from any further comment.

Tony WK

[Guest_5218]

Tony WK,

I'm sorry you feel that way.  Certainly no disrespect was ever intended.  

Your views are accepted, but some people (including myself) have different views.  Thats life.

Anyway your views are registered and many people do, and others will, agree with you.

Dare I say - "you're not alone"  .........             ( - :

It appears that this thread has stirred up some very emotive responses.  

And as such, if something I may have said has 'offended' Tony, then I think its best I also bow out of the conversation before I hurt someone elses feelings.

Sherie

[JessF]

Sherie said:

Many of the people here, myself included, isolate themselves socially and have no other real means of support or encouragement. I personally find it very helpful knowing that I have 'friends' here who are going to offer continuing support, encouragement and yes, hugs and kisses when I need it.  

This is the sort of thing I was getting at I think, and maybe it's for another discussion rather than this one, but isolating yourself socially is a big symptom of depression. I've done it for years and I still do it. I know that having good connections in my life is one of the things that keeps me well, and as part of that I need to make an effort to move forward on that because my natural inclination is to sit back, lock the door and feel sorry for myself because I am lonely. Yet it is me locking myself in, not anyone else locking me out. 

Putting the commas around the 'friends' sums it up for me, I think. The support you get from the internet, especially on an anonymous forum like this where you will never meet the people you're talking to, is never going to replace healthy connections in the real world.

Anyhow I think the point I'm getting at is, do you see (and I mean everyone reading, not just Sherie, I just ralised it might sound like I'm singling out or pointing the finger, which isn't my intention). Do you see coming here as a way to give you confidence and support to break out from social isolation?  Or do you think that coming here is actually helping you to remain socially isolated. 

I say all this because I know I personally have to put limits on the amount of time I spend on the internet because it too easily becomes like a comfortable shoe with a hole in it. It feels nice, and even though it lets the rain in, it's easier than buying a new pair because that carries with it so much uncertainty and anxiety. Eventually I'm going to need that new pair of shoes, and I'm not sure if it's going to help me in the long run if I surround myself with people that reinforce my decision to stay with my old shoes.