Letting Go of Perfectionism

[Brett]

Hi All,

I have spoken to a few people about high standards or perfectionism. The link between perfectionism and my mental health has been strong for over two decades. If I don't do a perfect job (in my mind) there is something seriously wrong with me. If someone is looking at me, again, (in my mind) they are srutinising me and there is something seriously wrong with me. I am tired. I am trying to get used to doing a good enough job instead of a perfect job. It is taking time but I am already feeling the benefits. And if someone really is looking or staring at me then so be it; the problem is their's and not mine. My guess is that some of us worry too much about what we do and what other people think. I am not talking about doing the wrong thing or hurting other people. Instead I am talking (actually rambling) about lowering the care factor to a healthy level. If anyone knows more about lowering high or perfectionistic standards, or has something to add, please give me a reply.

Kind Regards,

Brett.  

[joey]

Nope - despite all my improvements I know nothing about this topic. I have tried but can't move forward with lowering my standards. Because I fear how will I know when to stop lowering them. What if I become mediocre.

Anyway - sorry this is not helpful other than to say I share your problem! And I acknowledge that its a problem but haven't been able to move forward with fixing it.

[Pixie15]

Hi Brett,

I think perhaps that perfection as a standard is impossible for anyone or anything to fulfill and so it is unfair to impose it. There is an idea of mindfulness which I came across which suggests that to be mindful is to be aware of everything and certain of nothing. I don't think it means not having standards but being prepared to adapt to new information and changing circumstances. I don't know if this idea makes any sense to you but it has helped me.

Peace,

Daisy

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi,

I guess I am in the same position as some of you. I know I am a perfectionist and I also know that perfection is something that can never be attained. Even though I am aware of  this flaw- that I demand something unattainable of myself I don't know how to fix it. I feel like deliberately going out and doing something less than perfection and deliberaely not doing any more when I could; is accepting mediocrity. I can't describe how much mediocrity feels abhorrent in my mind.

I am working on this with my psych though, so maybe there is a way to fix it.

GA

[geoff]

dear Brett, I am just going to through a query to you, that being a perfectionist can be related to OCD, just saying. Geoff.

[oneblackdog]

G'day Brett

I understand where you're coming from as I have spent much time with my dr on this topic. The root of my problem is not the standards I achieve, but my perception of what people will think of me if the work I do isn't good enough. My self esteem is linked directly to my standards - when people compliment me on the work I do I get very awkward and embarrassed, because I see problems that they don't. I am superior to you because my standards are higher. I always see problems. I can never do a job good enough, I can let myself be good enough. I must berate myself for not doing a perfect job, even if you think it is.

My dr is into asking the hard questions, and he keeps asking me "Is anything really perfect?"

The hard questions for me are "why can't I let myself be just good enough?", "what am I trying to buy with my perfectionism?" and "is that the cheapest way to buy it?"

Cheers

OBD

[geoff]

dear OBD, perfectionism can not be bought, it doesn't come in a bottle so that we can buy it, it only comes with experience, and also the trial and error of our situation, plus I maybe perfect in one area, whereas somebody else may not be, so the question is does perfectionism ever exist as a general rule. Geoff.

[Vera55]

Interesting debate on a very complex topic.

perfectionism has many faces. One of them can make mental demands on us that we have to be perfect in everything we say and do. Another could be that others have to be perfect in order to be acceptable, lovable, respected etc. Another still could be that all works have to be perfect. And isn't it awful if they aren't. And so on.

ultimatelly, it's a story we tell ourselves that creates an inner struggle of how things actually are and how we think they should be. V.

[lexy_r]

I would like to revive this thread if possible. This is what I am currently fighting.

I put so much emphasis on what people think of me, I have to be perfect and the best for people to like me. I need to be the smartest, prettiest, have the best clothes, be the fittest, strongest, have a bikini body etc or no one will want to be my friend and will talk about me behind my back.

Its like I have completely lost my self identity trying to peruse this “perfect person”

I try so hard to be this person, it’s a vicious cycle. This is a very simple expanse but I have an idea e.g Ok, I’all get a haircut to make myself feel better, have such unrealistic standard on this haircut that it will transform my life, haircut obviously doesn’t do that, I get tired and depressed.

Does anyone here identify with any themes here?

[SammyD100]

Hi lexy_r

Well done and thankyou for posting about experiences that I’m sure many other people can relate to! Hopefully you get some replies based on others’ experiences too, but I thought I’d respond from the perspective of a Psychology Masters student.

Thoughts such as the ones you are describing are actually quite common. Many people hold onto beliefs like “To be a worthwhile person, I must be perfect at everything I do”, “If I fail at something then I am a failure as a person”, “I must keep working at something until it is done exactly right” etc. Not only can these beliefs be really strongly held, but they can also get in the way of our day to day experiences and enjoyment of life. It sounds like you have these types of perfectionistic beliefs which are very strong for you, and are holding you back? And it also sounds like you are able to acknowledge that at some level, these thoughts are unhelpful and you’d like to be able to challenge these?

You also appear to have a lot of insight when you describe the vicious cycle you find yourself in. You’re absolutely right, when you are in this mindset you will never be able to achieve this ‘perfection’ you are seeking. No amount of haircuts, expensive clothes, perfect body etc will ever be enough, and then the fact that the haircut didn’t change anything for you will actually make you feel even worse.

There is lots of evidence to support a CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) approach to changing thoughts such as the ones you are having. It might be worth considering seeing your GP for a referral to a Psychologist through a Mental Health Care Plan (this is Medicare rebatable). The Psychologist would be able to work through these thoughts and challenge them with you for six or so sessions, and be able to help you see that there are costs involved in thinking this way, and perhaps benefits to relaxing a standard or ‘rule’ that you have developed for yourself. Through this process you would be able to challenge and modify the thoughts so that they no longer ‘control’ you.

Hope that helps a bit and good luck!

SammyD