Is positivity always helpful.?

[quirkywords]

In the last decade there has bee a big emphasis on being positive all the time.

I have had a problem with this and now I am reading articles that agree with me that in some instances being over positive can not be appropriate or even helpful.

How can positivity be extreme you may ask? Positivity has a time and place, and if ill timed or relied on in an inappropriate situation, positivity has the potential to be dangerous.

However it can be harmful to relationships, particularly when a person is struggling and their partner pushes them to “look on the bright side” without listening to what they are feeling.

What do you think?
So are ok when someone tells you to look at what you have and not to complain?

Or do you find when you are telling people how you are feeling that they don’t listen and tell you to be grateful, that you get annoyed.

Let me know what you think.

Is there a time and place for positivity?

[white knight]

Hi CMF

I know how you feel but I tend to see your partners approach differently.

See, I have arthritis in both knees plus deep vein thrombosis in both legs. When people ask how my legs are lately I often say "not too bad". It's not a lie because I'm always grateful I can walk. I could lose a lower leg as the veins/nerves are badly damaged.

When friends/neighbours ask "nice day how are you"? They aren't usually asking how you are, it's a pleasantry to acknowledge one's presence.

TonyWK

[CMF]

Hi Tony,

I'm sorry to hear of these ailments & hope you are doing OK. Thanks for your thoughts. I do understand what you mean. if I'm asked how I am by someone I always say 'good thanks' or ' not bad ' as I'm not going to bore someone with all the details when they are being polite, but I guess in this instance he's my partner, we both have same thing & I feel he should be honest cos when we speak I get a different story. I guess I feel he uses positivity to brush real feelings under the carpet. Before his dad passed away he was a annoyed he wouldn't get out of bed & said he should get up & be more positive. I had to explain he couldn't get up, that he didn't know the pain he must be in. Being positive was not going to change anything. I guess I find too much positivity a way to hide real feelings 🙂

Cmf x

[white knight]

Thanks for the clarification

Yes these actions of false positivity or hiding pain or denials not only is try to fool loved ones, it's obvious to a close partner they're not being factual (dishonest isn't a fair word to use).

Does this characteristic put strain on your relationship? Eg how tolerable is it as I'm wondering if it's a "thorn in your side" or something more serious.

Feel free not to chat about it.

TonyWK

[CMF]

Hi Tony

Yes, dishonest is too harsh a word. I can be harsh.

It doesn't really put a strain on us, it's more frustrating when I find out about it.

I like to use positivity other ways ie if I'm late to work cos of traffic I accept it'sout of my control & am thankful my boss is understanding. If we go into lockdown I don't like it but I'm grateful I can work from home.

Always love your thoughts Tony

Cmf x

[quirkywords]

Sleepy thanks for your idea about balance.

Tony always learn from your comments

CMF sorry you and your partner have covid. I agree with you about positivity. I think you are realistic.

A month after the fires people wanted me to be grateful for being
alive and I was but I felt I was not allowed to say I felt sad and lost.

[CMF]

Dear Quirky ,

Yes, this is the problem. Expecting people to be positive all the time does not allow one to deal with their feelings. I believe people who have never suffered as we have are the ones who push us as they don't know how to empathise.

Cmf x

[white knight]

CMF, " I can be harsh." I didnt realise you had used that word "dishonest" actually I was about to type it myself and thought it was not the right word 🙂 . so that wasnt directed at you.

Quirky

I suppose we could be "appropriately and proportionately motivated" rather than "constantly thinking positve".

One of my 90 or so jobs was insurance salesman. It was hard to sell something people would rarely get financial benefit from (until death then recipients benefit). My boss told me I wasnt being positive enough. After much thought I resigned. I told him "Now I'm being positive, leaving the profession to focus on a more productive field".

So positivity indeed should be appropriate and proportionate and you cannot be ultra positive unless the topic/subject is suitable. In short- realistic.

Post the fires... people dont know what to say. Last year I had a school friend two days from his passing (cancer). He was losing his 5 year fight. I was on the phone to him (he was interstate), and I didnt know what to say. In the end I said "there really isnt much to say" He agreed. So, before hanging up I congratulated him on his fatherhood of twin IVF sons.

It's hard to know and I'm not normally short for words.

TonyWK

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hi Quirky and everyone,

This is a great thread, one that I think explores a really important topic. Many of you have been through horrendous things and had others invalidate how you feel about them. Positivity has its place, but it absolutely can be toxic when not used with consideration and reality in mind.

One of you mentioned studies about potential negative effects of positivity. The one I read was re complimenting people who have a negative self image. That's a tricky one and something that's come up with my partner - words that so starkly contrast with one's internal consistency often produce the exact opposite reaction. The sense of insincerity/dishonesty meets with a reaction of dismissal and anger from that person. When I was studying editing, there was a technique for telling a writer what needs to change - the "crap sandwich" of couching a negative between two positives. I think perhaps the inverse is true for giving positive information to someone with a negative self image or world view. Acknowledge their feelings, acknowledge the negative situation, throw in a small positive they can believe and work with, and build on that slowly as they climb out of their dark space.

I say the above because I am not a positive thinker. I believe in positive action. That is, I do the things I know are good for me or may bring me out of a difficult place in spite of feeling vile and not actually believing it will do any good. I do these things from a place of having thoroughly examined the negative. I anticipate likely negatives (in my case financial disasters, which happen with frightful regularity despite my efforts to avoid them) and plan for them. With blindly positive thinking, none of that would happen, and I would be in all sorts of trouble now, as I have more than once had to use those contingency plans.

My sister often tells me of her struggles then immediately invalidates herself by saying "But X has it worse". I always tell her "I'm sure they do, but this is your experience, you are struggling with it and that is still valid". She always needs reminding of that. This cult of positivity fostered in our society robs people of validation, which is the first step toward healing - acknowledge, validate, examine and work on whatever problem. I have found with that formula that positivity organically winds its way into the process of healing. It doesn't have to be forced and reality should not be ignored.

Apologies if I waffled a bit. Great thread.

Blue.

[white knight]

Hi BC, great post

It reminded me of my neighbour, a self professed kind man without any knowledge of mental illness whatsoever. One day I was soooo down and he caught me, head down. Asked if all was ok "no mate". Silence. Then has hand went onto my shoulder and remained there for about 5 minutes, not a word spoken. It was so powerful, such healing.

I also wouldnt call that man positive, in fact most negative.

There is many valid reasons for humans to become negative. In fact its much easier than being positive hence why we lean that way naturally.

I also think that those poor souls that are negative and low confidence, if subjected to motivated people give up immediately as the motivated attitudes are to them unachievable.

Perhaps motivation needs to be introduced in easily achieved segments and be enjoyable.?

TonyWK

[Guest_1643]

Hi blues, I relate to Ur sister and also find myself feeling like I have to say something positive after any admission of struggle

Ie I had a bad day but hopefully tomorrow will be better! Like I can't sit in the grief. Tbh it probably just makes it harder for me.

Learning to safely grieve is something that many of us with not so nice family histories might relate to...

I've noticed being measured is safe, but being very 3motional or even grateful to someone, scares me.

If I'm grateful, it means someone has helped me, which means I had something I couldn't solve myself and I needed another person.

From a very young age I learnt to problem solve for myself

Being positive might be a way of someone not showing vulnerability and convincing themselves or others they are "fine"

Agree with blues, it's a great thread. 👍