Is positivity always helpful.?

[quirkywords]

In the last decade there has bee a big emphasis on being positive all the time.

I have had a problem with this and now I am reading articles that agree with me that in some instances being over positive can not be appropriate or even helpful.

How can positivity be extreme you may ask? Positivity has a time and place, and if ill timed or relied on in an inappropriate situation, positivity has the potential to be dangerous.

However it can be harmful to relationships, particularly when a person is struggling and their partner pushes them to “look on the bright side” without listening to what they are feeling.

What do you think?
So are ok when someone tells you to look at what you have and not to complain?

Or do you find when you are telling people how you are feeling that they don’t listen and tell you to be grateful, that you get annoyed.

Let me know what you think.

Is there a time and place for positivity?

[quirkywords]

MmMekitty, and everyone reading

what a dreadful traumatic experience yiu went through when you were so young. That early experience would affect you for life.
on reading your story I want to give your younger self a big hug reassurance console and acknowledge the pain that child suffered.
I too don’t do positive that well.
I was an adult but I know people who were children when they experienced a natural disaster and the life time effects it caused.

I am not sure when the positive movement started but I remember a few years ago a friend said not only did she now have to cope with cancer she had to be positive about it, so there was extra pressure.

Thanks again for sharing your story as I realise it would have been difficult.

[quirkywords]

Hanna and everyone reading

I think your friend has been caught up in this one must be positive at all times.
we have been told every cloud as a silver lining but dies every storm had one.
About me, I think that since covid came so quickly after the fires everyone concentrated on the effects of that and I so e way the fires were forgotten . I have found writing here I. The forums helped. I do feel the loss of my bookshop a lot as it gave me a routine and purpose and won’t have that again. I have my ups and downs. We had to move away so I lost my community as well. It has been hard meeting new people in a new area under covid.
I know people still living in caravans etc so I am privileged to live in a house and have support from family and friends .

[quirkywords]

Elizabeth

I remember when you told me your story at the the time of black summer fires it really helped me in getting perspective and learning from your experience.
You are right having your feelings being acknowledged and realise you may have those feelings for a life time.
some people could not understand why I did not want to watch The Fires tv show saying but that was years ago. Even the trailers for the show upset me .

thanks for your post and I am thinking of you .

[white knight]

Hi all,

Great topic Quirky

I was first introduced to positive thinking at 26yo (thread: 30 minutes can change your life). That 30 minute lecture made me realise I was and my family were- negative thinkers and I'd never succeed much in life had I continued that way. For a time I believed that my new found motivation was my answer to all things negative, that any challenge I had would be easily overcome with determination- not so.

What excess positivity did was mask some realities. By glossing over elements in life that had specific needs to be overcome I was robbing myself .Without treatment that included meds, therapy and life changes I would be relying purely on motivation. Some examples-

• I had anxiety at the time and was unaware the severity of the illness. It peaked 4 years later and I sort meds, therapy and support. There is no way imo that motivation could have replaced such treatments. Sure, it is a very good almost essential element needed for recovery though.
• At one time I was a insurance salesman. Colleagues would constantly tell me that motivation will guarantee my success. Well, not really, motivation alone isnt enough, gaining knowledge about your product, knowing where to focus your efforts etc is important eg not much point knocking on doors in a poor area whereby residents dont have sufficient income to feed themselves let alone buy insurance.
• Overcoming traumatic experiences. Covered well by Quirky in the example above. Positive thinking cannot erase memories.
• Depression. While in the depressive cycle I found that trying to motivate myself can be a waste of time and plummet myself deeper in despair as such motivation failed. I realised that I must wait, a day or two, for my cycle to pass the half way point (feeling a little better) before it is effective. You're dying of thirst as you arrive at an oasis. You drink water and a person says "get up not, you've had water", but you cant as your body needs to process that water, it takes time.

Positive thinking- once you embrace it you never can live without it. It is an amazing tool and you immediately identify those that are unfortunate enough not to have found it. But, it is one tool in the toolbox and every tool has a purpose.

TonyWK

[quirkywords]

Tony,

Thanks for your very thoughtful post.
You have pointed out there is a time and place for positivity and how excessive postivity can mask sone realities but at the right time it is a useful tool.

I think when people have no insight into mental health they may say things like why can’t you be happy, look how much you have , think of all those worse off.

I know on this forum I go to the 3 thibgs I am thankful for today thread most days.

[Mum Chris]

Hi quirkywords

People say some dumb stuff and later I bet you thought of a lot of comebacks. No I’d be grateful if my shop and home was still ok.

I had someone tell me how exciting I wonder what gods got in store for the next chapter of your life. I had a 1&1/2 year old was 4 months pregnant and just got out of hospital and was on bed rest and my then husband had run off with a teenager and left me with no money and a mortgage I couldn’t pay. I nearly spat at her. She left and was left confused about what she was talking about what’s exciting.
I’m sure you did feel glad it wasn’t worse.
it’s a good lesson to only say the minimum when people have had loss and struggling. I’m terribly sorry. If there’s anything I can do. My heart goes out to you.

[Elizabeth CP]

I think Tony is right. Using gratitude and looking for positives can really hp keep things into perspective giving you the strength to cope with difficult situations/feelings etc. Using the times when you have even th smallest bit of motivation to do something which will be helpful (this may be something pleasurable. relaxing useful or helping someone else) These things can give you the boost you need to keep going. This is vastly different than pasting a fake smile on or telling someone else to do so. When you are struggling the last thing you need is feeling worse because you don't feel like smiling. You then feel like a complete failure. In the past I would hide how I was feeling because I was scared of being judged. In contrast sometime ago I had to drive past bushland being burnt off. This is extremely triggering for me. I remember my hsb saying just drive until you feel safe. Knowing he finally undertood how hard it was and feeling him allow me to deal with the situation as best as I could was a relief. The last thing I needed was to be told I was safe and to stop worrying. I knew logically that was the case but convincing my brain and body of that was impossible. Once I got well past the situation I stopped and asked my hsb to be qiet while I read to block out what had happened. I needed that time to calm down. Fake positivity would have been really harmful but my hsbs later comment on how well I dealt with a difficult situation really boosted me up helping me feel more confident I could cope even if it was hard. Real positive input is encouraging when used at the right time so it is believable. Conversely fake positivity doesn't allow us to feel undertood and is extremely damaging.

[CMF]

Hi Quirky and all reading,

I think it is great to be positive but absolutely agree, it's not always appropriate. My partner is ALWAYS positive to the point where I sometimes think he has no feelings. I know this is not true as he can be sensitive but also insensitive and doesnt get it. When he is always positive I feel unheard and my feelings invalid. He has not struggled as I have, doesn't understand. He's always had someone to help with the kids, bail him out financially when he divorced. He does try to understand my anxiety and help me feel better but I often wonder if he just says what he thinks I want/need to hear.

Sometimes we need people to listen, understand, offer comfort.

Cmf x

[mmMekitty]

Hi Elizabeth,CP,

Good Hubby! That response sounds perfect for you, under the circumstances. I haven't been through fire, but all the images on screen really got to m in late 2019.

It's true, whenever talk of flood & the possibility of another is mentioned, I feel my anxiety level rising. I instantly recall & I'm afraid of how I would cope now, even though I am located where such flooding would be extremely unlikely. My imagination works overtime.

So, then, it is the information regarding how unlikely the worst scenario is, which helps me relax & have a more positive outlook heading into the forthcoming rainy days.

I can't do it by believing everything will simply 'turn out for the best', no matter what.

That's what some of this fad for blanket positivity seems to be saying, 'have faith', & I don't do that either - not a molecule of faith, like religiosity, in me.

mmMekitty

[quirkywords]

Mum chris

thanks for your reply.
I think I would have felt like spitting too. As you said you just need someone to say they care and acknowledge your suffering.