In recovery - but feelings of loneliness and isolation

[KJJ]

Hi,

I suffered from an eating disorder, depression, and anxiety when I was a young adult. During this time I lost many of my dear friends, and pushed people away due to my depression, anxiety, and fear even though deep down I needed them around. I continued on antidepressants for 15 years since to keep depression at bay. I am now married and have a beautiful child with hopes of more in the future. Now I am coming off my antidepressants with the help of my psychiatrist and have been surprised by feelings of sadness, loneliness, and grief for the friends that I have lost. My psychiatrist says that the return of these feelings is because the antidepressants have previously masked them - and are not symptoms of depression. But I don't want this loneliness to cause the depression to return. I don't have much family support, and my job is all done from home. I get out as much as I can but still feel these feelings of deep loneliness. Has anybody else experienced this? If so how did you cope? Also does anyone have any experience in mending self esteem issues caused by issues from childhood - this is something I'd like to work on further.

Thank you 🙂

[TBella]

Hi KJJ

Welcome!

Thank you for your post. I can totally relate as I lost all my friends once they found out I had PTSD & depression. That was 5 years ago but there is still a deep grief in me & I often feel alone, lonely, invisible.

Sorry I don't have any tips for you as I'm still trying to work that out- hoping my new Psychologist can help me with that.

I do hope that knowing I understand & feel your pain brings you some comfort.

I have found the people on this site so lovely, kind, warm, helpful & supportive & I am sure you will too!

Here to listen anytime 🙂

Kind Regards

TBella

[KJJ]

Hi TBella,

Thanks for your reply 🙂

I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling this way too. But thank you for letting me know that I'm not alone.

It is a comfort to know that someone else understands what this feels like, and makes me feel a little less lonely. I hope your Psychologist can help you find some comfort too.

It has taken a lot of time for me to reach out to other people about this and I'm glad I am doing this now - I guess it's a step in a positive direction.

Thank you.

KJ

[TBella]

Thank you KJ

It is scary reaching out but you did it & I am so glad you did.

I am glad to hear this forum is bringing you some comfort & support so you don't feel so alone!

This is not a marathon, just take little steps, go at your pace & celebrate your breakthroughs & victories along the way, because only you know how hard it is to even get out of bed some days. All progess, no matter how big or small needs to be celebrated & acknowledged!!!

Take care

Happy to listen anytime

x Bella

[geoff]

hello KJJ, I'm so happy for your current situation, but please forgive me as I'm not qualified to say this but from my own experience and from other people I know, not on this site, they as well as myself have had a different experience.
I only say this because I wonder whether or not your psychiatrist has had depression and if they have then I can understand what they have told you to do, if however they haven't then I really wish this will happen, but if I stop taking my AD then I crash back to where I was a long time ago, a place I never want to be again.
I don't want to put you off but I just want to warn you that these feelings may come back, and whether or not the AD 'mask these feelings' isn't that better than struggling with them again, because depression, anxiety and your eating disorder are all very serious conditions.
Any friends people have when they are depressed always disappear, because they don't know what to say or how to help you certainly not on a constant basis.
I'm really sorry to say this, but I hope we can hear back from you. Geoff.

[KJJ]

Thank you Bella, it is so helpful to look at things in terms of my achievements considering what I have come through rather than what is lacking - or comparing myself to others.

Those little things really are huge achievements some days 🙂

Thanks again 🙂

KJ

[KJJ]

Hi Geoff,

Thanks for your reply 🙂 Sorry to hear that you have suffered with this too.

Yes, I am also very wary of the return of symptoms when coming off my medication. I am being monitered by my psychiatrist and we have agreed that I will return to the medication if things don't go well. If they don't I may just have to accept that I will have to keep taking the medication long term. I also want to continue working at CBT as this has helped me heaps in the past.

That deep dark place is somewhere I don't ever want to be again - at least now I know that there is help available if it returns, something that I didn't know the first time around which felt very scary and hopeless.

Thank you for your concern and understanding 🙂

Kelly

[blondguy]

Hi Kelly

I empathise with your situation and what you have gone and going through. You have a pro-active focus in regard to your health and good on you! I am not qualified as your specialist is, I am a volunteer here. I hope that he has some personal experience re depression and what he mentioned about the meds 'masking the symptoms'

Geoff and Bella have provided sound advice above for you too 🙂

Your friends only 'disappeared' as they dont understand what you have been going through. If you had a serious physical illness or 3 broken bones people understand but when we have depression they fail too 'see' an illness that is no different to a 'visible' physiological issue. They actually have the problem...not you.

I reluctantly started my AD's 21 years ago and my career performance improved and I was more confident in my personal relationships too. (just my experience of course)

The AD's have never been a 'fix all' for me. They have only provided me with a strong foundation on which I could use all the coping skills/therapy to heal more effectively.

If its okay can I ask you what prompted you to stop your medication? I was tempted to do the same with mine too but depression is not just a psychological issue but a physical (chemical) issue as well and Id need a really good reason for stopping them.

Ive had ongoing issues with self worth/self esteem since childhood as well. I tried natural healing for 15 years to no avail..even with counseling. Thats when my female GP stepped in and kicked me hard to start the AD's

I do admire your strength and willpower Kelly. Just FYI....Dr Claire Weekes was a respected psychiatrist who suffered from depression. She passed away years ago but understood the illness better than anyone. Her books are still best sellers and if you google Dr Claire Weekes you will see why.

There is no comparison/judgement here Kelly just info that I hope has been of some value to you 🙂

my kind thoughts

Paul

[KJJ]

Hi Paul,

Thank you for your reply. I'm glad to hear that the AD's have been helpful. As for me they aren't a complete fix either. CBT has been essential in helping create a mindset where I can recover. Thankfully the eating disorder hasn't been an issue for many years now, and I'm confident it wont be again. I am however wary of my depression and anxiety.

As for the reason for dicontinuing my ADs, we are hoping to have another baby soon and the plan is to try to be without the ADs for the first trimester, possibly the second, and returning to them in the third trimester to prevent postnatal depression. If I am not coping I will return to the meds.

I guess I don't really know what "normal" is, or what stage of my life to compare these feelings to. I went straight out of my teen years onto ADs (and I probably needed help long before I got it). I'm not sure if my Dr has ever had depression, I guess I've never been game to ask although I have wondered! My Dr says that these feelings are most likely psychological (self esteem related) rather than psychiatric. She did mention something about therapy to help with this if the feelings persist, and I'd like to talk to her about this but she is away until early next month.

And thanks so much for recommending Dr Claire Weekes, I find this very interesting and will be looking into her books.

In regards to friends, it is a shame that there is still stigma surrounding this. I still don't mention to new friends that I have had these issues in case they don't understand. I guess it is hard to understand or know what to do unless you have been there.

Thanks for your advice and understanding 🙂

KJ