Illusion vs imagination vs reality

[white knight]

When my depression was at its peak, I found it almost impossible to do some of the basic tasks. Gardening, a walk, washing the dog and shopping. My problem was the weakness of my mind, fear and loss of confidence.

Fear of what? Well, more a feeling of safety within my home. The place I was regrouping. So to overcome this uncontrolled mind of mine I set about imagining things. When gardening I'd imagine running along a beach, riding a motorbike or a horse. After a while it became a habit.

Great advancement came when my therapist asked me about my newfound method of overcoming such hurdles. I talked, he listened.

Finally he suggested that the reason I was in fear, bound to my home etc was my state of mind in that I wasnt being realistic with my thoughts. If I was real I wouldn't be in fear walking around a town of 200 people, wouldnt be worried when doing tasks like gardening and not be worried about crowds if I shopped early in the week.

Sometimes we need to discipline ourselves, take control and chastise our thoughts to be real. Failure to do that is like letting a scrambled mind do as it pleases. Dont let random thoughts control common natural operation of your mind.

Temporary thoughts to overcome a hurdle is ok but if you garden, focus on gardening, go for a walk then observe what you see and so on. Such focus takes practice.

Every boat needs a rudder....fix your rudder...

Tony WK

[Sad_Mushroom]

Hi Tony,

Did you ever find that while battling one issue, let's say gardening that your mind would put more pressure on a different issue?

I didn't notice until I began getting better, and was more in tune with my thought pattern but when I'd force myself to walk downtown to the shops in the middle of the day I would at first face the normal barrage of 'thought intrusions'. Once I began to ignore them and was 'winning' different intrusions began. Even today, when I first leave my house, between my home and the next block, I continually and repeatedly think I've forgotten to put pants on. I check I have pants on. I even have to bend down and check and touch them, check my button and fly are done up and for some reason put my hands in my pocket. I only walk a few steps and think I don't have a shirt on. I go through the same looking, touching and continue. A few steps I need to check my pants again. I KNOW this is ridiculous and try to stop it but then I'm sure I have something stuck to the back of my pants. This only ever lasts until the end of my block.

The craziest thing is, I'm not even anxious about going downtown anymore. I don't like going down the street but I'm not scared or nervous about it anymore. I'm used to it and it has become a normal day by day routine.

I noticed the same type of thing with other issues too. The more I began to break ties with the everyday thought intrusions, the more "new" intrusions would try to interfere with other parts of my life. These new intrusions are not as strong as they don't have a hold yet but still annoying.

SM

[Sad_Mushroom]

Me again,

Reading back through this I remembered something. Growing up I used to have dreams of being in a public place (school, pony club etc) and realising I did not have pants on. In my dreams, I would go to school and in the middle of the day realise I had no pants on. There was no escape. Where can you go with no pants on?

I wonder if that is why my brain focuses on that now when I walk down the street?

SM

[quirkywords]

SM,

that is amazing as I just had that dream last night and it is a recurring dream. I thought it was about being vulnerable to others, revealing(in no physical way) my self to others.

Tony, this is interesting but when I am depressed or manic I don't have any compass to point out what is my reality. I get my illusion, imagination and fear so confused that they become my reality.

Does that make any sense?

[Sad_Mushroom]

HI Quirks,

When I was in therapy they said the dreams were about being vulnerable. I don't have the dreams much anymore but the physical/real symptoms where I think I've forgotten pants etc when I try going out in public.

At my worst, I could not define what was illusion or real. I recall seeing spiders in the cupboard that I knew were not real and would ignore them but the flashes of things I caught out the side of my sight were alarming. Maybe it was a scare tactic?

I know the fear of thinking germs were in my house seemed real and I thought it would kill my kids. No amount of anything would change those thoughts. Funny thing is I built a sandpit and was happy for my kids to play outside in the dirt all day. It was just the house I had issues with. (maybe that was my own excuse for not wanting to leave the house)

SM