If you are a quiet person, how do you manage?

[Eagle Ray]

I have always been on the quiet and shy side. I know a lot of this has to do with complex trauma from the circumstances I grew up in. As I am currently working towards re-entering the workforce I'm trying to build my confidence. There is a job I would love to apply for but it really requires a lot of extraversion, so although it greatly appeals to me in theory, in reality it would probably be very awkward for me trying to perform in that role.

I'm interested how others with quiet natures navigate the world? What strategies help you, especially given that much of the world we live in is about promoting yourself and pushing yourself forward? I'm not competitive by nature and always enjoy being co-operative and caring over thinking competitively.

I once heard someone describe himself as a social introvert. I could really relate to that because I love people yet I am basically shy and I need a fair bit of time on my own just to process and manage life. I find a lot of contact with others overstimulating, and yet I need and greatly value social contact as well.

I am getting increasingly better at nurturing my inner child and that is really helping. However, I sometimes still feel very small and vulnerable in the world. While I am getting better at speaking up for myself and being assertive, I can still lose my voice at times and basically psychically curl up in a protective ball (safety mechanism learned in childhood). Do others feel this way? Can you identify things that have helped you?

[smallwolf]

Hello there,

To answer your question, I feel I have to tell you a little about me ...

I might call myself a quiet person. Others say I like to talk. But I don't feel I'm an extravert. I guess I can talk about the things I am passionate about and not trivial things per se. Also, for many years I worked from home and talked to hardly anyone - I was a software developer. Sort of a case of "if you don't use it, you lose it".

So, to answer your questions (I hope) ...

I took a job that required interacting with the public. (there were other reasons why I took the job!) But from a conversational perspective, it provided opportunities to practice interacting with others.

If there was one thing that helped me ... practice or doing.

With that said ... I am not big on self-promotion, nor competitive. I am also caring about others before myself. There is nothing wrong with that AND there is nothing wrong for you being like that either. In some respects, stay are you are.

Hope some of this helps.

[Eagle Ray]

Thank you smallwolf. Yes, that does really help. I think you are right that it’s accepting who we are while still allowing ourselves to develop confidence in relation to others and to seek some opportunities where that can occur.

I’ve worked in a few customer service jobs before and I have enjoyed many of the interactions and the sense of helping people. I’ve been thinking about a creative self-employment possibility but I’m also aware it’s not healthy to spend all my time alone. This idea would involve some customer interaction and liaison while still working independently. It could potentially work if the balance is right.

 I may go back to work as an education assistant too. It’s really meaningful to work with kids. I was just in a really bad place for a while so I wanted to be better in myself in order to be in a good place for the kids. I’ve worked with kids with special needs which can be both very demanding but very rewarding.

I’ve been a lifelong carer of family members so there’s also a part of me wanting to branch out now and do something very independent of my own creation. But I also know I can’t take on too much. There is much benefit in going to a workplace where you’re part of a team/community.

 I sometimes just go through these phases of being super quiet and vulnerable. It then takes quite a bit of courage to step out of that. I’ve been in my withdrawn, vulnerable self since yesterday, but I know these things move in flux too.

Thank you for your kind thoughts and sharing your experience.

[Eagle Ray]

P.S. I relate to what you say about talking about what you’re passionate about compared with talking about trivial things. I’m probably similar. I love photography and if I meet another photographer we can go off on all sorts of tangents about lenses, cameras etc. But some of the trivial small talk which happens at parties (which I haven’t been to in a long time anyway) feels uncomfortable to me, unless it feels meaningful in some way and I’ve found a person I really connect with.

[smallwolf]

perhaps if I can give you an example of a conversation I had once ...

at a morning tea, I was chatting with an old(er) person. I asked him to tell me something exciting they did in the week. His reply could have killed the conversation then and there. He said "not really". 

It possible this person stayed in his house all week.

So I then said: "I can't believe that. You just have done something in the week. Tell me some of the things you did then".

He rattled off a couple of things and then told me he goes to painting class. This person is 80+.

For me, that was an opportunity to open an conversation.  "Wow! Tell me more about painting."

In that somewhat longwinded example, what I wanted to show was that by asking questions, listening and perhaps probing, you can find something to talk about. 

There have been times where that sort of opening has not worked and nothing there I liked and so the question becomes "tell me what you like about ..."  Maybe I am feigning appreciation something the other likes. I can also say I am learning something about the other.

As I write this I am reminded on one of the shows of Big Bang Theory where the guys put a flowchart on a whiteboard for Sheldon to follow in the phone call. I guess it is a bit like that. 

For you I might follow up with  ... what do you like to photograph? Is it a hobby or professions? Can you show me? Where do you go to take photos? How often? 

Play detective.

I know this reply will come out as advice, and I don't really like doing that. This is what has worked for me. Hopefully you might get something from it.

[Eagle Ray]

Thank you smallwolf. I love Big Bang Theory. I think I’ve seen every episode. I think the one you’re talking about is when Sheldon is trying to make friends with Barry Kripke and has a flowchart on a whiteboard. Eventually from that he works out they can go indoor rock climbing together where Sheldon faints mid air attached to his harness!

 I‘ve long suspected I’m on the spectrum but I don’t so much have difficulty reading others as Sheldon does. If anything I pick up a huge amount in terms of emotional cues. I just struggle to turn what I sense/feel into language. That happens in real time conversation but not when writing as I am now.

An example of this is my neighbour recently going through an awful break up. When she’s speaking I can feel she’s lost her spirit and kind of deadened inside. I automatically feel this deep pain and loss in my own body that’s overwhelming and actually stops me from finding words. So I don’t say much at all, even though I care so much. I sometimes think I have what’s called mirror-touch synaesthesia.

But complicating that is early life complex trauma which entrained fear in me and I think that’s the main reason I’m quiet. I also dissociate a lot which can lead to becoming disconnected in some social situations. Your suggestions help because they give me a frame to return to in a conversational situation if I start dissociating.

I love your story about the 80+ man who said he hadn’t done anything exciting, but investigating a bit you found he’d been to a painting class. That’s a really helpful way of engaging in conversation. I’m going to try it out in those moments where I’ve gone kind of blank in terms of finding words. Thank you.

[smallwolf]

I'm glad you got something from what I said!

There are still some people that I will struggle with in having a conversation. And at the time it can feel awkward. But now ... you could also put it down to not having overlapping interests to chat about. OR, the other person might be listener vs a talker? And you can talk with facial expressions as well. 

On the neighbour ... if you are listening, that is a good thing. You don't have to provide advice.

Just something else  about the chat with that elderly man ... for myself, who feels like they don't have much to add to a conversation,  can become interested in what the other person has to say, and lets them to most of the talking. And next time you see them, you can ask them how their painting is going. Win/ Win.

[Eagle Ray]

Thank you for your helpful thoughts smallwolf. Yes, taking an interest in the other person is a great way to keep a conversation going and gives a point of interest to re-engage with when you see them again.

One of the hardest things I find is group situations. Every so often I attend a get together with a group of people I used to work with. They converse by talking over the top of one another. So one will start speaking while another has not quite finished their sentence. I am not able to interject like this, and yet for many people this seems to be the usual mode of conversation. So I often remain quiet the whole time, like a spectator but not part of the action.

But interestingly the last gathering I had with them recently I found myself able to talk more freely and participate, for the first time ever actually. I think something has shifted in me energetically from the work I’ve done with my psychologist and also a course I did that’s linked with healing from things like complex trauma. It’s almost like I’m learning to speak for the first time, as weird as that sounds.

 I know I’m always going to be a quiet person but hope to have increasing levels of ease engaging with the world where I’m not fearful and things flow.

[BeautifulHorse]

I have felt very quiet and shy and given a choice I will happily go back to my book or art project or whatever it is that I feel I enjoy doing at the time. But if someone asks the right questions I will babble on forever...

Just giving it a try is what has helped me the most.

I find that working with other people, shopping (but not at the self serve checkouts), and taking public transport are activities that force me out into the not-as-scary-as-it-seems world. Walking back from the bus stop I sometimes even stop to talk to the neighbours...

If you find yourself feeling a bit scared, but you wonder what will happen if you talk to someone, just say hello. 

Being assertive is scary especially if when I can't quite put together the words for what I want to change. I find that in those situations it helps to have some facts and figures, or maybe notes, up my sleeve. A graph, photo, or well prepared argument presented in a calm and rational way helps me stand up for myself so I don't forget what I was talking about halfway through or appear disorganised. 

[Eagle Ray]

Thank you Beautiful Horse. Those are helpful suggestions. I do try to chat with people I come into contact with, in shops, seeing neighbours etc. I’m less quiet than I used to be but still quiet.

Yes, having some facts and things to support you is a good idea in situations where being assertive. It’s a way of backing yourself up. I can lose my words and be overwhelmed, but I think it’s a case of practising and remembering that I have a right to speak up for myself. Just remaining calm and providing factual information can be a good way of meeting judgemental, angry or domineering behaviour from others.