I've been running from my inner pain for years and can't run away anymore

[ladybird22]

Hi there to everyone. Sometimes the first step is to just write it down, but it feels like a monkey is on my shoulder saying "stop being a burden on others". But I'm going to ignore that negativity and I know it does help a little by writing it down.

So im a mature lady who's life has gone in so many 'unwise' directions I'm still spinning..I've had 42 addresses just in the state of Victoria, I can feel another anxious change of address coming on. But other than financial side of things,  I know I can't cope with the stress of it anymore.

My grown children want me to "settle down" somewhere as naturally their concerned for their ageing mum. Due to some poor decisions in my past I've lost my homes to my 'exes'..So then I went back to renting at various addresses and became anxious about how my later years would be? Then I met a nice man a few years ago and I realised I was 'enticed' to help him build HIS new home. Of course he wanted me in the picture. I've stayed with him for a few years out of a need for a roof over my head. But now I'm just so unhappy and felt TRAPPED into a place like a prison.

He isn't 'physically' abusive to me,  but im not coping with his baggage (,pets, family etc) I totally dislike the area I live in and have no independence. Of course I'm grateful that I'm not out on the street,  but my mind feels like it's shutting down. I'm shutting down from people, experiences, exercise etc,  not interested in anything. Depression and anxiety once more, the story of many sad chapters of my life 😔 I don't want to go back on SSRI  meds just so I can live under the same roof as somebody. 

I moved away from my grown children and my grandchildren some years ago to be with my ex and I'd do anything to have some family support near me now. I'm far away from friends n family, feel isolated and hopeless.  

That's just the start..  thanks for reading so far.  A few kind words of encouragement would be appreciated. Thank you

[smallwolf]

hello and welcome.

Firstly, I am sorry it has taken a few days to get back to you.  Also saddened to hear that you're going through such a challenging time. It takes a lot of strength to share your feelings, and I admire your courage in doing so.

It's understandable that you're feeling trapped and isolated in your current situation. Remember that you're not alone in this journey, and there are people who care about you, even if they're physically distant.  Have you tried doing video calls with your children for extra support? It's not the same as being in person but the next best thing?

Please consider reaching out to a mental health professional or a counselor who can provide you with support and guidance during this difficult period. You deserve happiness and peace, and there are paths to finding it, even in tough times.

If there is anything that you want to chat about, I'm listening.

[ladybird22]

Thanks Smallwolf

I've contacted my last psychologist who was a great help to me some years ago. However she's moved interstate and has replied telling me she can help me with  zoom sessions,  but of course first I have to get a MHCP at GP's...Everything is too hard to follow up with at present as I have a few health issues that have popped up this year. Specialists all over the place and driving long distances. I'm so tired and feel I need to hide in a warm hole for a while,  but with these health issues I'm trying to deal with, running away isn't possible.

I don't think I can manage to even do a zoom session, low internet connection here, as I'm in a rural area. 

One thing I have decided to do is go back on my SSRI meds. I'm quite hard in myself and thought I'd finally kicked the black dog for good,  but after a couple of months here I am again.

I'm trying to find the strength to get to medical appts but its zapping me. Trying to eat reasonably well and get a little exercise but im tired and lost all motivation and strength.

Smallwolf please just chat to me, even if it's just until my meds start to kick in again  

Cheers

Ladybird 

[mmMekitty]

Hello Ladybird22

It sounds a very sad & lonely situation you are in. 

Seems to me, now, after my own dismal history with relationships, that mo matter what the relationship, maintaining a sense of self & having a life of your own, not being entirely bound in & by the relationship is very important. It's just as important to care for your own needs as much as you can.

I would suggest talking to your GP not only about your physical health but also about your emotional/psychological health. In particular, please talk about the meds, about what it means to go on them again, & how to do that, if it is the best thing to do at this time.

Although I don't live in a rural area, I struggle with the technology & using Zoom to talk to my psychiatrist, & now we talk via Face Time. Having enabled Face Time, I call him on my iPhone at the time of our session. That's been working very well & is acceptable to Medicare. I think, surely, a Psychologist ought to be able to offer the same set up for you, I mean, if your aceess to mobile reception is more reliable than your access to the internet.

Phone calls to family & friends, yes, not as good as being there, is better than nothing. 

It's tough, having physical difficulties, feeling exhausted & unmotivated. Everything you do to support your physical health is importan. Every healthy meal, every bit of exercise, as well as resting when you feel the need to rest, getting as good a night's sleep as you can, too, all contribute to your overall sense of well-being, & achieving even small goals every day will help with mood & how you feel about yourself.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[smallwolf]

Hey there! I am not going anywhere ....

I'm truly sorry to hear that you're going through such a challenging time, and I appreciate you sharing your feelings with me. It's completely okay to feel overwhelmed, especially with all the health issues and changes happening around you. You're not alone in this, and I'm here to chat and lend support whenever you need it. Taking that step to go back on your SSRI meds shows your strength and resilience. It's a brave choice, and it's a positive step toward feeling better.

Progress may be slow, but you're moving in the right direction.

Also, I am aware of the Internet issues in the rural parts. And that really sucks when help could be available and at the same time is sooo far away because of the dodgy Internet connections.

Two things... (1) what sort of things have worked for you in the past? and (2) what things do you find interesting?

Looking forward to your reply. 

[ladybird22]

Thank you both mmMekitty and Smallwolf.

So good to know there are people who sincerely care about others they've never met.

Today is day three of starting back on a low dose of meds, the sun is shining and I've ticked off another two appointments over the last two days.  Although my appetite has dropped, I'm trying my best to make the best choices, and with sun shiny weather atm it's much easier.

I'm unable to go walking on my little adventures like I used to due to an injury in my hip around 2 years ago. Looks like surgery which could take some time. However another appointment next week is with a physio again so hoping that keeps me strong enough to at least do some slow mindful walking. for the time being. I've been a walker all my life. As a child it's all I  could do to occupy myself was walk in the bush. Walking has gotten me through some awful trauma times, so you can imagine how hard it is now that I can't do hardly enough walking.  Currently I'm parked in the shade near a river and just in amongst nature, which seems to be the only environment that brings me peace. I plan to put on my sunhat and have even a little walk up to a little coffee shop nearby where I don't know anybody, so I don't have to talk pleasantries. Sounds selfish, as even though I'm normally a warm friendly person, but at the moment I can't seem to give out any mental energy to anyone as I don't seem to have enough for myself.

I'm hoping when the meds kick in soon the challenges I'm trying to deal with now will be a bit further away in my mind if that makes sense. 

I'll keep writing here as its therapeutic for me and just having someone who will listen makes all the difference.  There's no judgement or unwanted advice.

Thank you so much, I'll be back 🐞💐

[smallwolf]

hello again.

It does make sense. I want you to know that your message/reply touched me. It's incredible to witness your strength and resilience. And thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings with us.

I also think that it is okay to seek moments of solitude and self-care, especially during times when your own energy needs replenishing. Nature has a remarkable way of providing solace, and I'm glad to hear you're finding peace by the river. It sounded quite nice actually.

The journey you're on, with the medication adjustment and upcoming physiotherapy, sounds quite significant one - I hope that it brings you relief.And if you are taking time for yourself is not selfish but rather essential for your well-being. I find this space to be a reminder that none of us are alone in our struggles, and there's incredible strength in reaching out and connecting with those who genuinely care.

Please know that we're here to listen, support, and offer a safe space free of judgment or unsolicited advice.