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I need to stop using alcohol as a crutch
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Can someone please help me get off alcohol as a crutch. I went to AA for a while a few years back, but being a small town, there was pressure to run meetings and put-downs of people (even though they were over one year sober) for getting involved in positive things like the arts that meant they couldn't come to particular meetings because they had obligations to the arts. I don't want to live my life stuck in some room, hearing the same stories repeated over and over and over again, and being sentenced to not being allowed to do something positive in my life that is important to me if it is on the same night as an AA meeting - which is the gist of the requirements here. It is like a prison sentence. "You have no right to life. Your life now belongs in this room." To me it is like punishment and it shouldn't be that way. But that is how it is here and why so many people don't stay there. I will certainly never go back. But I do need help. Can anyone help me or point me in the right direction? I started this drinking thing at the age of 40. Cheers
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Hi there Susan
I’m guessing there’s no way that you can move from where you’re located? It sounds like a very difficult situation to be in and those meetings don’t sound very positive or conducive to making you better.
I do wish that I could provide you with something more positive than what I’ve done, but I did want to say that I hear you and that it’s a huge positive step that you’re taking in order to help yourself combat this affliction. I just wish that I had your courage to make that step.
And I know this isn’t the right forum to sign off this way, but for the sake of a small piece of amusement, I will write:
Cheers (insert cheeky smiley face)
Neil
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dear Susan, I couldn't agree with you any more than what you have said about the AA meetings, I too always hated the same stories week by week, and in the end it's a real turn off.
The other problem I have is that after say 20 years, the person always says that they are an alcoholic, and to me this seems to be illogical.
Just to fill you in about my drinking, while I was depressed I drank everyday, because I needed something to numb the pain of my depression, my now ex and my sons all hated it, and I was called an alcoholic by most people, but I wanted relief, that's all, but now I only drink socially and my liver is damaged from the alcohol and also my anti epileptic medication.
Before I start to talk about this issue type MaryG in the search at the top, where there has been a long list of correspondence between others, myself with MaryG, who has given up drinking, it may be interesting to read them all, but what I can say about her is that she is definitely a champion in how she has recovered.
I know from your previous posts that there has been a great deal happening with yourself over a lengthy period.
Could I ask you a couple of questions and don't answer if you don't want to, but in your previous posts there was no mention of a male or dad figure, so I am wondering if this issue began when he left or even before hand.
Plus I gather that your daughter may have arguments with you about the drinking, which may lead to her lying.
I maybe way off the mark here, but please get back to us, and try to read all those other correspondence between Mary and myself, and hopefully she may join in to this conversion.
Sorry Susan about these difficult questions, but I truly want to help you, because you deserve it. L Geoff. x
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Hey Susan,
yes Geoff is right I have been able to stop using alcohol as a crutch for almost 3 months now. It has been really hard at times but the key thing is that I wanted to stop. I realised that I was never going to be well unless I took control of my drinking. It was just numbing me and stopping me from dealing with the core issues of depression and I realise now anxiety as well. I felt so raw and exposed when I stopped and as I had been a secret drinker for some time there was also a massive void in my life that used to be filled with the activities around getting the vodka, hiding the vodka, getting rid of the empties etc. I took "mother's little helper" for a while to help with the withdrawal. It stopped the shaking and agitation. But I had to be careful not to replace one crutch with another.
This all sounds like I am completely with it and in control of everything, and if I was you reading this I'd probably be thinking, that giving up and living without alcohol is just impossible. I was just like that not that long ago and would not have believed anyone if they said I could do it. I have never been to AA but it has really helped me to talk to a psychologist once a week. To actually be completely honest about my drinking with someone who is completely non judgemental feels good. She just listens to me talk.
I am taking 50mg of a SNRI AD once a day and it is helping also. I am very aware that for the AD's to be most effective that I can't mix them with alcohol. I guess I just really want this to work this time.
I hope this helps you in some way Susan. I really feel for you and the struggle you have. All I can say is that it is possible with support and I guess your own acceptance that you need help and you are ready to stop. It won't be easy though.
If I can help more in any way then please talk to me.
Mary.
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dear Susan, thanks Mary for joining in.
I had forgot to say that if you are convinced that you definitely want to stop then your doctor can prescribe a couple types of medication which will stop the urge to drink and even if you decide that you still want a drink then there will no buzz affect.
The one thing that is important is that the usual time when you start to consume alcohol and whilst taking this particular medication is that it has to replaced by an activity, something to keep you busy, and your mind off the alcohol.
It's a difficult job to achieve but with help and support then you can do it.
I know it sounds to be a job and a half, but maybe start drinking an hour later and so on.
I managed to abstain a few times for reasons that I had to, so I went cold turkey, which I was convinced was the appropriate way. L Geoff. x
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Thank you so much for your response. I really appreciate it. No, there is no way I would move from here. I have been very happy here and it is the only place I have ever felt I belong. I am really lucky. I would also like to ad for the benefit of anyone else struggling with alcohol. Please understand, AA can be very beneficial to many people. For me, this was my experience and perception; for others, they swear by AA and have great success and support because it works for them. So I mean no disrespect to AA. And Neil, you did give me something positive. You gave me your understanding and support. 🙂
Thank you
Suz
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Re your questions, Geoff, that is fine. I became seriously depressed and traumatised after mum committed suicide when I was five and my father made it obvious that he hated me because he didn’t believe I was his child.
Mum and dad were migrants and it was hard for them both and they ended up ostracising my three sisters and I. Mum was very unfair to my sisters and spoiled me. Dad had a pretty good relationship with my sisters but had nothing to do with me.
It was hard for all and hard on my sisters after mum died. We were all just little kids and there is no blame towards anyone. My parents did the best they could in an era that did not support or understand. My dad may sound like he was terrible – it wasn’t right how he handled things – but he was a good man at heart and this became more evident in his later life.
I think for me (and I’m not making excuses or blaming dad – this was my headspace) this is where I first became attracted to alcohol. Dad was always unhappy and easily became angry. It must have been so hard for him. The only times I ever saw him laughing and looking happy was the rare times that he had a few drinks with visitors. He was not a big drinker and did not get raging drunk. But he was happy.
I didn’t associate this with the social occasion but with the alcohol. So I was always keen to have a drink of alcohol. He gave me a sip of beer once when I was 8yo and I didn’t want to give it back. I did of course and nothing happened – it was just a sip.
The first time I got drunk was when I was 10yo (a few neighbourhood kids thought it would be funny to get me drunk – they weren’t much older than me) and I was happy and free of the pain while intoxicated.
I have spent many years at times not drinking. I rarely drank around my daughter – I did if she was with her dad. I didn’t drink for six years because I didn’t want to and it was against the religious beliefs of the church I was in.
It was one year after I left that church that I had a drink. I was so miserable. Then it began fully as a crutch after my relationship with my then 20yo daughter went bad. That was my choice and not my daughters. She doesn’t lie and I know she has been swayed by people around her who have their own agendas.
She was a great and wonderful child and is a great and wonderful person today and I am very proud of her. We have no contact .That she had a difficult childhood – yes! I was agoraphobic and the depression/anxiety was not treated until I was 37.
There are so many times that I was so focused on my pain that I did not see her needs. Many times, it was a role reversal, and I am not proud of that. She was the mother figure instead of me. There was just me and her. There were many good times, and times of laughter and joy and I always let her know she was loved and I had her back and supported her as much as I could.
I did the best I could with what I had at the time. It wasn’t enough but I can’t bring back the past. We have no contact because how I handled things was to be too afraid of her rejection to speak up when I felt unfairly treated or disrespected.
Then I would get drunk and send her ranting emails or make ranting phone calls. Not good enough on my part and I am so ashamed of that!!
I find this site gives me hope, and one sister in particular is so supportive. I have made an agreement to give an accountability of drinking once a week. I have asked for this because I feel if I can be accountable to someone who is not going to judge me and knows that I really am trying, it is one step closer to success.
I am responsible and it is up to me to make my daily choices and to take responsibility for my life and actions. I know I struggle to only drink a few glasses of wine – it’s like a switch goes off when I’m not looking and then it is too late. I will drink and drink. And then I get morose and ‘woe is me’ and lose all sense of common sense!
I don’t like that person and I cannot believe that I am doing such damage to my brain by feeding it this legal poison.
I am much happier sober and I even begin to feel proud of myself. That all goes the next morning after drinking. And I always find myself asking “Why do I do this to myself!!” So... I’m on a mission! I WANT this and believe I can do it – one day at a time.
Re the medication – that will only be a last resort but thank you for the information. I believe I have to do this in my own strength – and I want to.
Cheers Suz xx 🙂
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Hi Suz
Thank you for sharing your story. I always think it takes a lot of courage to be able to write down things that have happened to us in the past. That clearly shows out that you have courage.
And I know you have the strength as well to be able to accomplish this mission … this quest. I know you can do it. If at any times you feel you are struggling during the night, then go and brush your teeth … for a long time, if you want too. Have that nice fresh feeling … that’s just if you struggle.
But each night as you go to bed, congratulate yourself and DO feel proud of yourself – as you should. And each morning when you get up, be proud of yourself again.
And if you want, why not be accountable to us as well, but only if you want.
You can chalk up the AFD’s (alcohol free days) as you go along with this. It’s a good thing, which I do each year, from May through to September … and it’s good to get to 7 days; to get to 28 or 30 days … and another notch of success is 50 days and so on.
You’re going to do this and you will be so much better for it.
I’m debating about signing off by saying;
Cheers (whoops, sorry)
Neil
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Thanks Neil,
You are so lovely! Take care 🙂
Cheers
Susan