I feel so incredibly alone

[Camellias]

Im struggling in so many ways, not sure where to begin....

i have no friends, not even online and I feel so alone. I go to the library everyday feeling so alone.

i have so many medical issues. Ive been on poverty-line newstart allowance since november last year. I am waiting to hear if my disability pension claim has been approved or rejected - the waiting is causing me severe anxiety. Everything is now with the processing team including the last phase gp medical assessment. Im terrified I will be rejected as I am not able to work or study.

The only place I can afford to rent does not allow pets, Im so depressed without an animal in my life. Im struggling so badly with this. I have always had a dog.

I am seeing a lady who often wants time alone, to be with her kids alone and to see her friends alone. Im struggling with this because I feel I am not important, financial or good enough for her to want to spend time with me. She tells me she feels guilty when she needs these things, that it shouldnt be ‘ this difficult or hard’. I wonder what I am doing wrong. I want so much to make her happy.

I hope i can find some friends on here for support, I dont want to be alone like this anymore.

[Hayds]

Question summer rose? I’m new how do I access ‘champions’ via online forums?

[Sophie_M]

Hi Hayds, champions are members of the forums who have formally volunteered their time to provide support here by responding to posts.  You can read more about our current champions in this thread here: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/welcome-and-orientation/community-champions

[quirkywords]

Hayds,

Welcome to the forum. The champions are on many different threads , reply to other people’s thread s and we also have some of our own threads.

As you have seen there are many supportive people on the forum.

I am not sure if you have your own thread but if you want to start one , you can go to FAQ thread and the first post will tell you how.

Take care

Quirky

[Camellias]

Hi Summer Rose

It was really kind of you to leave me a reply here, I really appreciate it.

Its so hard to get through this alone, without friends or family.

And those who have friends/family, after they have got off the phone for an hour or so, caught up over a cofffee - the mild distractions, do they return home or back to the very thing they can’t escape - the pain of it all, the literal heartache. Does it really help? I actually don’t know as I don’t have that.

i feel so completely isolated, I keep going to the library to hope to meet someone. It might be brief a ten minute conversation about a DVD and then I’m back to reality. Everyone seems to have family, friends, places to go.....except maybe some people I see in here on the threads, where we support each other via BB threads.

I’m not the type of person who enjoys being alone. I thrive off company but what truly makes my heart soar is an animal and as you have read, I am not allow pets here where I can afford.

Maybe someone will answer my notice at the library for anyone who may want some company for their family pet. But meanwhile I sit at home doing nothing, with no motivation and just the reminders of her everywhere......her life goes on happily, that hurts so deep.

when they say to you ‘ I still want to be friends, I will still talk to you no matter what..’ do they even realise how bad it is hurting you, how it cuts so deep. I can’t erase love that quickly, emotions that felt so alive, now feel so dissected. So many questions left unanswered. ‘ if you love me, you will set me free’. Sigh....

when you experience this you hope nobody else ever does. It’s just a terrible darkness that pulls at you. Nothing good gets left behind...

🌺

[Birdy77]

Dear Camellias,

I can hear so much pain in your posts - you are really in the midst of it right now, and I know it's an intensely unpleasant place to be.

Unfortunately, as Summer Rose wisely has said - the only way through it is to go through it. I wish there was a way for you to "bypass the pain" - but I'm afraid there's not.

The upshot of this is that (and this might sound trite, but it's the truth) you are going to come out the other side of this ordeal as a stronger person who will have a better idea of yourself and a better idea of what to look for in a partner in the future.

The way I look at it (well, the way I have looked at the quagmire I have waded through in my own experience), is that we sometimes have to go through the really hard stuff in life in order to learn particular lessons that our souls need to learn. And as spiritual teachers have said through the ages "nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know ".

I don't know if you can relate to this, but when I was experiencing a relationship similar in some ways to the one you have described, I experienced it almost like an addiction. When I tried No Contact, I felt strung-out, edgy - I wanted any kind of message, even if it was nasty ... waiting for crumbs. When I received it, it was like a rush and I was sated for a time: I had my "supply".

This is when it was so obvious to me that it was more toxic than I had originally thought.

Some of your descriptions remind me of this, and I can't tell you how wonderful it will be for you once you are free of this turmoil.

But the hard stuff has to trudged through, I'm afraid.

But you have friends here who will cheer you on.

Does any of this resonate?

🌻birdy