I feel so incredibly alone

[Camellias]

Im struggling in so many ways, not sure where to begin....

i have no friends, not even online and I feel so alone. I go to the library everyday feeling so alone.

i have so many medical issues. Ive been on poverty-line newstart allowance since november last year. I am waiting to hear if my disability pension claim has been approved or rejected - the waiting is causing me severe anxiety. Everything is now with the processing team including the last phase gp medical assessment. Im terrified I will be rejected as I am not able to work or study.

The only place I can afford to rent does not allow pets, Im so depressed without an animal in my life. Im struggling so badly with this. I have always had a dog.

I am seeing a lady who often wants time alone, to be with her kids alone and to see her friends alone. Im struggling with this because I feel I am not important, financial or good enough for her to want to spend time with me. She tells me she feels guilty when she needs these things, that it shouldnt be ‘ this difficult or hard’. I wonder what I am doing wrong. I want so much to make her happy.

I hope i can find some friends on here for support, I dont want to be alone like this anymore.

[Fi23]

Hi Camellias,

I don't have any friends outside of my family, and although I try and "hold it all together" I feel really lonely too. I also love animals, I'm living at home because I can't find a pet friendly apartment that I can afford (also on Newstart) and I'm here with my little cat and my mums dog and they both send you lots of doggie and kitty licks and cuddles. I started pet sitting a couple of years ago, and although it's not a lot of money and I still fell lonely without any friends, getting to spend so much time with animals is really nice. I'm not sure if you're able/want to pet sit, but it's an option to spend more time with animals when you can't have your own.
From one friendless soul to another, I'm sending you a hug.

[Camellias]

Dear Birdy

Thank you for your wonderful reply, you’ve truly helped me today, it’s always the little things that matter, right?

The garden centre does do some retail, all profits go to the church or such I believe but on the form I would be ticking ‘garden only’ it’s still really invasive questions, some medical I do not wish to share. Also they want a person to contact in emergency and I don’t have one. It’s 6months or so I could have been contributing to the gardens now but haven’t had the courage to complete the form. The manager is so kind and nice, maybe she can work with me on this. Each morning I pass her office to go to the library, the library is has free internet and power points for my phone to use, my phone is my only source of contact. I can use the internet library pc for one hour each day. That’s always a rush to type etc and I’m not fast due to balance issues.

what amazing accomplishments you have had, I feel inspired by your stepping stones in life. I’m quite the introvert, I’ve been specific in that ‘ I want to be left alone to garden’ and apparently a few other men are the same who often stop by to the community garden section.

I love camellias, roses, all kinds of trees like cherry blossoms through to the stone fruit tees, I seem to love all kinds of plants and am forever fascinated by what ai come across, most people think Im weird as I literally stop to smell the roses I come by.

I have a small space about 1mx2m but it’s a weird shape sort of a stretched out triangular shape. I could die some seeds there, ask my landlord, otherwise it’s just boring patch of dirt.

I really like the idea of volunteering to help elderly with their gardens, I don’t mean mowing but flowers, trees, watering etc I enjoy. I’d like to help elderly with their dog too, could you help me with some ideas on what to write to put on a notice board please?

oh how I envy your gardens, veggie patch too! I too want to grow my own foods, esp veggies and herbs. What perineals and trees do you grow? I had to look up what espalier was, I wish you the best of luck growing it up the fence!

I forgot to ask, do you like birds too?! (Your username)I’ve always loved birds, all kinds, even when people say ‘I hate magpies or cockatoos et ‘ I smile as there isn’t a bird I do not admire.

i want to grow a cherry blossom tree(but hard where I live but possible future rental?), I also want to try to a bonsai tree indoors- do you know much about them?

I just love growing things!

[Camellias]

Hi Fi23,

It is nice to meet you. Thank you for responding to my little post.

I will be your friend, It may not be in person but every connection should count as something unique, don’t you agree?.

I appreciate you sharing some of your story with me(us) here on beyondblue- what a supportive place it is for many of us struggling. I am grateful to have my phone, monthly data to use the internet to be able to get on here and say.. Help, I am struggling, I’m lonely and I have no friends. It helps to say it, and it also hurts.

Im am grateful to hear you have family, it is not something I have.(nil parents, nil siblings etc) I thought I had a family for a little over a year but that is slowly slipping through my hands, I just must not be strong enough or worthy of such a thing.

Hold onto your family, I know you have expressed that deep down beyond your brave face, you struggle. Don’t give up, try to see that things will get better. Look at the lovely people here on beyond blue, what a ray of hope they are & continue to be. I’ve revisited this site the last two days & I feel a tiny bit more hopeful now.

I am thankful for the kitty & doggy hugs you have sent! How lucky you are to have a little kitty & pooch to give you courage & comfort. It also very good you have a home for now, even though it might not be ideal. I’m in a 1 bedroom apartment it’s all I could afford as I was homeless. Like you, I live off a very poverty-line Newstart, for me that’s a diet of pasta & tea/toast. I try to get free food where I can from local cottage. Took me months to do this, I still feel shame, still feel unworthy.

It’s so hard to find affordable place to live & I don’t know about you but I don’t want to share with strangers, people say is more affordable.

Are you able to work or study? I know I can’t due to life long health issues. Like many others I will be waiting until I’m 90 to get a pension I so desperately need. I keep hoping, I keep praying.

is that your kitty in your profile picture, very cute & cuddly.

Id enjoy pet sitting just as much as you, I don’t require money but I’d find it so rewarding. Animals are such pure creatures. The problem for me is travelling, motion etc I can barely drive anymore. I’m ok if someone else is driving me. How about yourself, how do you get to and fro for the pet sitting you do? Do you have a favourite client(pooch?) Id love to hear more.

I am sending a big hug right back to you and hope it helps brighten up your evening.

🌺

[Camellias]

Hi everyone

Today I woke up feeling so sick nauseated and just so desperate for answers. Why the silence, why this treatment? Who in her life is making her happier and persuading her to stop seeing me.. all these questions and loneliness.

First thing I did when I woke was check back here for messages.

It feels like a dream. I would do anything to keep holding onto her but it just feels like she has stopped wanting me all together. The worst part is that her effort to contact me feel more like an obligation, then desire/need/want.

I miss her soft skin, her hand in mine, her beautiful voice, her laughter, her singing, the children and so much more. I bet she doesn’t miss me an ounce.

I see these posts of people who have experienced similar, who have survived this, some happily partnered saying it will get better. But when your inlove, the memories, the tastes, sounds are all so hard to move past.

I even try to pin point where it all went wrong, but only she would know this. The fact is she wants more freedom, time alone and to be herself- so does this mean she isn’t herself around me? It’s easier for her to remain a single mother and have a string if men interested in her, then one man who truly loves her and treats her/her children with kindness, love & loyalty. How is that smothering, why is that too difficult or hard? I just don’t understand.

Why isn’t she telling me these in depth things, are her friends more important to her. They are only a picture she paints, what about the real love that goes on behind the feelings she carries from her prev marriage.

The future plans we made, how does someone just throw all that away so easily.

I know I am the opposite of what she has had for the last few years, and I know I’m not perfect, who is. But shouldn’t all her feelings etc be told to me, don’t I deserve that after the time spent together?

Everyone deserves friends, they are a lifeline to many. But when does it become ok that a bf is the last to know how she feels, what’s happening in her life or how easily a friend can persuade her that she isn’t happy.

I guess so never had a chance if she is going to listen to her close friends, over my heart and soul.

I hope everyone struggling is making it though this day in tiny steps.

🌺

[Camellias]

Being so alone is such a struggle. With no nearby dog shelters, nursing home etc for me to be able to help someone else.

My ‘gf’ cutting me out of her life more each day. Wanting to do less with me.

Sitting at the library hoping something in my life changes for the better, more positivity for me.

Hoping my prayers are answered.

🌺

[Birdy77]

Dear Camellias,

I am so sorry you are feeling so terribly sad and lonely.

Your gf is treating you with cruelty and coldness. I wanted to clarify about the post I left on your other thread actually, as I was only going by your very first post there (and I was trying to offer you some hope). You have since come back and said a lot more about how things have been, and I wanted to say that I think she is treating you badly and that in my opinion you should end things (don't leave it up to her), as I now understand that this has been going on for some time.

I know it's incredibly difficult, but if someone you cared about, a friend or even someone here on the forums was describing being treated the way she treats you, what would you say to them? I bet you'd tell them that they deserved better and time to break this toxic tie in their life?

The thing is that you will not be able to move on and make room for a loving, healthy connection with anyone new while you hang on to this non-relationship.

It hurts so much, I know, and in lots of ways, I think breaking away from toxic people is a lot harder than regular situations. You can do this though Camellias. It's a good thing it didn't go on for many years, would be even harder.

I would be happy to help you come up with some ideas for a notice about helping in people's gardens. You mentioned the community garden is attached to a church somehow? Maybe it would be best to put up a notice there? Ask the nice manager if that would be ok?

Talk soon.

🌻birdy

[Summer Rose]

Hi Cameillas

Just popping in to say g'day.

So sorry your girlfriend isn't treating you right. Don't know the whole story but I do trust Birdy's judgement. Be kind to yourself.

Just had a thought ... is there a hospital near you? They are often in need of volunteers. And it can be incredibly uplifting just to pop in and take a peek at the new borns. Might sound crazy, but when my dad was in hospital fighting for his life, it was the babes that helped me keep it together.

Given there's no animal shelter near by, was also thinking about birds. Do you like to feed them? Is there a natural place in town to give it a go? Park, lake, pond, beach, woodlands? Or maybe your backyard. Birds can be our friends too.

Kind thoughts to you

[Camellias]

Good Morning Birdy

Its lovely to hear from you again.

I want to help some elderly people who are alone like me, to do some gardening(small things watering etc) maybe persist their dog or just sit with someone like that in need. I’m not sure how to go about a notice for that, 4 times I’ve gone to write something and it looked awful so I haven’t pinned it on the library notice board. I was hoping the manager who is a local might know some people in need of company.

Im so in love I can’t even pull myself up out of my mind to view this like you suggested ie if this was a friend, etc going through this what would I say or suggest. I just keep thinking about how hard it is to live without her, the children , the memories.

Its been so hard to find someone who accepts me, for me. I truly thought I found that but maybe she has just settled for me, to fill the occasional gaps in her life.

if I let go of her I will truly have nothing and no one to love. I so don’t want her to be the one to end it.. dont think anybody wants that.

If I could just keep busy, could just be financially stable, things would be so much better. I want whatever my purpose is to bring someone else or others happiness, whether it’s unwanted animals, forgotten elderly people or well you get my drift.

Im a 40 something Trans man, my whole life has been a struggle. If I thought she was the one(I don’t love for gender), thought I finally found a family/children, truly thought I was loved...how will I ever know what is the truth anymore. If that wasn’t real will i be blinded for life when it comes to love?

Ive no friends family to physically support me. I live where the only person I really know is her. And to be honest I think she wants me gone far far from her and that hurts so deeply.

I want someone who adores me and wants to support me vice versa. That seems me for me, etc. Someone who is Proud of me, whether I’m poor or an important businessman.

Who will ever love me now, when I thought I had it all.

thank you for your kind words

thank you Summer Rose for your kind thoughts too

🌺

[Birdy77]

Dear Camellias,

I cannot even imagine the struggles you have had in your life. You are so courageous to be facing life as you are.

I understand, it is so difficult, even impossible, when you are in the midst of this pain, to be able to extricate yourself and see how badly you are being treated.

Given time, you will be able to see this, and have compassion for yourself. At the moment, I think you are not giving yourself any honour or love or gentleness.

So, in the meantime, take some gentleness and compassion from your friends here at bb, for as long as you need, until you can start to honour your own lovely self.

Be very kind to you.

🌻birdy

[Birdy77]

Dear Camellias,

Good morning 😊 how are you feeling today?

I just wrote this down, wondered if it was a start for you, you could tweak it and make it better or different or chuck it right in the bin!! How about something like:

"Free gardening and dogwalking available:
If you have a garden that needs a bit of TLC, or a pet that needs walking and you are not able to, I can help.
I have recently moved into the area and miss having a garden to tend to and a pet to care for.
I would be delighted to help you with gardening chores such as weeding, mulching, pruning and watering, or simply raking up your autumn leaves.
Please call or text me at: "

🌻birdy