I feel as if I have *finished*

[David Nobody]

Hi,

I’m back, and I’m still not achieving anything productive, and I’m back to thinking “what is the point?”

My “salary continuance” is going to run out in November/January (depending on which date they use, start of “issue”, or start of payment) and I don’t have anything to replace it, or know if I need/want anything to replace it.

Psychiatrist has said “I’m good to not see her for 6 months” (about 4 months ago I think). Psychologist is ongoing with an appointment every 4/5 weeks. But not a lot of progress, I’m on a long plateau. Weekly “group sessions” are basically a check-in and pass the time.

I’m occupying my time writing, but that is exactly what I am doing, “occupying my time”. I get no real enjoyment from it, and there is added pressure (that I put on myself mostly) to get a certain amount written each day. The lack of sales/interest has reduced the pressure from the outside world as I can now say “see I told you”, and the do-gooders-with-the-best-of-intentions are backing off.

I’m Half-heartedly looking for a job, similar to the one I chucked to get myself into this ludicrous situation. Approx 10 applications a week for the last month or so, with 1/4 saying “no thank you”, and 3/4 non reply. I’m eligible for Centrelink work placement assistance, so am probably eligible for a disability pension. That and my super would cover costs, and money from inevitable inheritance would close any gaps.

Health/exercise/weight/food/sleep/sun are stable, not getting worse, but neither are they getting better. And lack of weight loss over the last year, with significant effort to reducing it, doesn’t help motivation. That and I really don’t care, I only do it because I am told. Blaming the medication would be an easy answer, but that would only be an excuse.

I have no interest either in pursuing friendships or relationships.

And I’ve forgotten my point in writing this... as I have forgotten many things.

N

[Ebi]

Hi David Nobody,

It sounds like the therapy you are in is not really hitting the mark for you in dealing with current problems. It might all need a bit of a shake up? New psychologist maybe? What is the response in the weekly group sessions when you talk about your struggles?

I'm sorry it feels so hard and grim for you at the moment. Please know that you have not fallen through the cracks. We are here and listening.

Thinking of you, Ebi

[David Nobody]

Hi Ebi,

My psychologist is ok. I respect her and think she knows her stuff, she talks to me like a person, not a patient. I think she is also smarter than me, so that is also good.

My psychiatrist is the same. Both are willing to tell me things I don’t want to hear. They are both patient with me when I fail at my homework task, and both seem genuinely caring for me. Also they congratulate me on my successes when I don’t see it that way.

Weekly check-in Group is ok. I get to vent, they get to say oh dear.

I need someone to tell me what I should want to do. Cos I don’t know.

[David Nobody]

And this is what I mean...

I’ll never learn

When I offer my help, I’m always turned away
So all I learn from that is... nobody wants me
It’s a lesson that I haven’t learnt many times
What is even the point of me writing it down?

I’ll never learn

I am the lonely stranger here in my own house
My stomach growls with my only conversation
The fridge, it is the only one that gives to me
And the television, this is my only friend

I’ll never learn

To come up with a reason, every single day
Why should I get up? Will anything, ever change?
I’m always haunted by all of my memories
My past remembered with the pain not forgotten

I’ll never learn

Go for a walk. Go out and enjoy the sunshine
Look at all the scenery and forget your past
This is so easy to say, though I never hear
How it is I am supposed to accomplish this

I’ll never learn

Doing as I’m told is what I have always done
All the answers provided, all decisions made
Makes for a very hard life when people go far
The ones who I want near are nowhere to be found

I’ll never learn

Pushing help away, no matter from where it comes
This is always what I do. This is who I am
I don’t think this will ever change, or if I can
I‘m alone. This is where I’ll stay. I’ll never learn