I am not a Nutcase I am a Hipster

[Cornstarch]

Corny's health is buckling under an immense weight and she's signing off of the forums.

I keep having to peel more and more layers back as my dissociation continues to fragment and terrifying memories resurface.

Actually underneath it is quite literally reliving a nightmare. My nervous system was built on quicksand and I was never given a deep reservoir to draw upon. I wish I had because my nature is to help.

But there's only so much helping one little Corn-dog can do.

I am so frustrated with my ignorance and lack of education right now with regard to dissociation. I suppose we should always be careful what we wish for, but it is a very mis-understood symptom.

I don't own a car, I don't own a television, and now I have to restrict my non-work internet use to 45mins a week if that, and stay outside as much as possible.

It's official, I am now - a Hipster

Heirloom Corn of Sun and Sea.

[Guest_322]

Hi Corny,

Just swinging by to say hi. This isn't a proper response to your post btw.

Deep Fried Brain will write a proper response post exams 😉 3 exams down (Tues, Wed and yesterday). 1 more to go next week then it's OVAH!!!

I second Wednesday's sentiments in her post. You are amazeballs just by being you. I know you struggle with compliments but I'm hoping if we hammer enough that eventually they will start making some sort of dent ha, ha.

Paul, aw...back at you! Thank you 😊

Wednesday, thanks. Lovely to see you here too!

Dottie xxx

[Cornstarch]

Thanks Dots

You're a cutie.

xxxx

[Guest_322]

Hi Corny,

Yes, I'm beating the birds in waking up this morning ha, ha.

Honestly, I'm not even surprised anymore when anyone mentions that they know a narcissist. I can't remember the exact stats but I can tell you as a %, it's relatively high (hence my lack of surprise). I mean, chances are if you're not related to, married to, in a relationship with or friends with a narcissist, you probably work with (or for) one- you just might not know it.

Your dad and my grandma sound so unoriginal in their tactics...always the same old tricks. Shameless is a good word for their theatrics .

I'm glad the docs' words are starting to have some sort of effect on you. From the little that I know about you, I agree that your survival was/is really incredible. Considering all that you have experienced, it really is a miracle that you're here. You are some kind of wonderkind 😊

Yeah, you have lost and suffered a lot in your life. No wonder you have a deep well of grief (years and years, right? And from certain people you call family too no less?) Cry your heart out. Scream. Get mad. This is kind of weird coming from container head here ha, ha...but you get my point...maybe it's your time fo feel.

I think you should be proud that you're not your father. You're nothing like him. The fact that you can empathise- and give a genuine damn about others- already says you're leaps and bounds ahead of him. Narcissists only (and always) look out for number 1. Even if you feel a similar emotion that he felt/displayed at some point, it doesn't mean you're turning into him.

And about "success"...well, that's so subjective. I think there's no universal measure. For some, it's career related and for others, it's all about the $$$. Still, for others, it's being a parent or it's about social responsibility, etc, etc. But at the end of the day, and maybe it sounds stupid and cheesy, maybe survival is a different kind of success in its own right.

Keep surviving, k?

Dottie xxx

[Cornstarch]

Thanks Dots,

So true it is all about #1 with them.

It's really sucky that one of your primary female role models was a narcissist, it certainly is an eye opener. Yes, I have seen many in work environments, they send shivers down my spine. My poor, poor sister is managing a couple at the moment and it is hideous. She feels like she's back in the family home, she is so stressed out.

When in my highly anxious state I am always terrified of turning into him or becoming him! That would be my ultimate failure. I've expressed this fear to my clinical psychologist and doctor heaps of times, simply because of my fathers non stop tirade of insults can sink in. I've even had bizarre selfish odd-bods diagnose me in their kitchen with their very own diagnosis, which of course is a personality disorder. I've been brainwashed & manipulated, but I still have half a brain and a lot of self awareness.

I hope you're not waking too early each morning. 3:30-4:30 seems to be my favourite time for some reason.

Thanks for your flattering, kind words Dots.

Do you have a 'summerance' lined up? Tell me, tell me, tell me. Whhhoooooo is it???

[Doolhof]

Hi Cornstarch,

The comment you made about Drs is an interesting one. Unlike mechanics who have a manaual they can work on to fix a car, Drs. don't have individual manuals to work on us humans. Each of us have our own set of DNA, our own way of thinking, behaving, our own history, genes and so on.

Yes, it must be difficult for Drs. to work out what is best for each individual.

I haven't read all of this thread, just dropped in on your last message.

To me, feeling like a victim is okay, as long as I recognise why I am feeling like that and then try to move on. In a way I don't like the expression "toughen up Princess" as where does that leave a person who is really struggling?

We all need to find someone who will listen to how we are feeling and acknowledge our thoughts and emotions are real. Helping us to better understand ourselves and our illnesses is a bonus.

Mental health issues can be like walking in a mine field, thankful there are mine destroying devices!

All the best to you and all, from Mrs. Dools

[Guest_322]

Hi Corny,

Me, Myself and I is the international anthem of all narcissists. They're the star of their own production. As for everyone else? Supporting cast.

Yeah, that would be very distressing for your sister! As if she needs the evil duo at work reminding her of her past. That's a bit too close to home. Your poor sister indeed. It must be very hard for her- and hard for you too because you know how this is affecting her. It's always hard to see people we care about hurting.

Your kitchen pseudo shrinks and docs certainly had quite the nerve to try to, uh, "diagnose" you (or anyone else for that matter). Luckily you still had/have your wits about you and can tell a real doctor from a wannabe one. Unsurprisingly unis are rampant with psuedo shrinks- maybe you should visit a random psych class next year for a "second opinion" ha, ha.

Well, you know how they say if a person hears something often enough- like your father's insults- then you start to believe their words (or they have some sort of impact on you at the very least) even if they're completely false, vicious and cruel. And coming from you father, no less! That's a pretty messed up situation. You really have had it very rough...

Ah ha, ha trust you to move onto a completely unrelated topic. No summerance that I know of yet. I broke up with my first boyfriend earlier this year (we were together for 2.5 years) so if I meet a cute boy this summer, I'll keep you posted ha, ha.

Virtual hug!

Dottie xxx

[Wednesday]

Hello Cornstar,

Just dropping by to say hello and ask how you are going?

Hugs, xx

[Wednesday]

Hello dear Treasure Corn,

I haven't seen you around and just wanted to check that you're okay?? I'm also dropping a mountain of cuddles in your thread to remind you that your are loved and very precious.

This time year can be incredibly difficult I hope you are not finding it tough.

Lots of cuddles dear one, please be very kind to yourself. xx

[Guest_322]

Hi Corny,

Sending more virtual hugs your way.

Seriously, I know you're dealing with a tonne of pain and other things that life likes to crap on us so don't feel obligated to reply to me.

I'm just copying Wednesday and sending you some virtual support.

You do you- oxygen mask on self before the next person.

Dottie xxx

[Wednesday]

Hello dear Cuddlycorn,

I am a little worried about you, are you okay?

I hope you are in a good space and to busy to post.

If not sweetie remember you have friend here that care so very much about you. Come and talk to us.

Cuddles, xx