I am not a Nutcase I am a Hipster

[Cornstarch]

Corny's health is buckling under an immense weight and she's signing off of the forums.

I keep having to peel more and more layers back as my dissociation continues to fragment and terrifying memories resurface.

Actually underneath it is quite literally reliving a nightmare. My nervous system was built on quicksand and I was never given a deep reservoir to draw upon. I wish I had because my nature is to help.

But there's only so much helping one little Corn-dog can do.

I am so frustrated with my ignorance and lack of education right now with regard to dissociation. I suppose we should always be careful what we wish for, but it is a very mis-understood symptom.

I don't own a car, I don't own a television, and now I have to restrict my non-work internet use to 45mins a week if that, and stay outside as much as possible.

It's official, I am now - a Hipster

Heirloom Corn of Sun and Sea.

[Wednesday]

Poor little Corn, please give the sweet little one a safe cuddle from me. She is such a special person, intelligent, funny, caring and totally wonderful. The horrors that have happened to big and little Corn were undeserved, we don’t get to choose our parents or our genes or the grotty people we come across. The strength that you have found to cope is so very impressive, I’m proud of you dear Sweetcorn.

Your tribe elders sadly don’t seem to be much help, you don’t need to be traumatised by them. You need to put yourself first. Can you take a break from the tribe for a while? Is there anyone in the tribe that is helpful? Dear one you are no alien and black sheep have their reasons to be black, I’m a black sheep and probably couldn’t have coped otherwise. Your tribe members just don’t have the skill, intelligence, compassion or whatever it is to manage. Guilt of not being there when you needed them is going to be powerful and scary for them to handle. But it is their issue not yours.

Err pardon? Not feel like a victim? you were a victim and now you are doing your very best to sort through the mess that it caused. I think you have every right to be angry, who cares if it’s unattractive you are being real! I doubt that pretending and trying to please others odd values will help you in the long run. It did suck and it was really hard, I wonder how these people would have coped? Of course it hurts, hugs.

All families are freak shows, I haven’t met a sane one yet, we all cover up and pretend or enable freak like behaviours. No one has a right to judge or hurt you dear Corn, just send them my way and I will put them straight, mutter, mutter.

Tolstoy wrote, “Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." Tolstoy meant that for a marriage to be happy, it had to succeed in several key aspects. I think the same applies to families and maybe your tribe’s collective marriage isn’t successful. But they don’t get to take that out on you!

You have suffered more than your fair share and seen too much of the black, white and grey areas of life, no wonder your complex. But that is why you have very sensibly found some help. It is your doctor’s role to figure this one out (that’s why they get paid the big bucks). You will do the best you can to work through it with their help. This is something you can deal with, me and the other BBers are here for you on the journey.

Baby steps dear Corn, hugs, xx

[Cornstarch]

Thanks Wednesday,

It was a relief to finally come out and say "it was all so frigging hard, please reassure me I am not weak, and I haven't simply made it up in my head that it is hard"! It was one of those moments where you're relieved and then just so bloody sad. I was so sad. Still am. I want 2016 to be over please. The year of "speaking my truth" has been absolutely exhausting.

I try to ensure my 'victim' tears are shed with the professionals that I pay, because I know it is very ugly, but some days the grief and pain of it all just washes over me and I become overwhelmed with it. That's when I take off by myself for some private expression of pain to secret hidey holes and cry for all that I have lost.

I've always remembered that Tolstoy quote! Always remembered it.

I hope you are going OK yourself, and your husbands anxiety isn't too draining on you. It is a draining thing to be around, it feels contagious!

Sounds like some people you love have also had some sad news of late 😞

It must be that enormous moon we're getting in a couple of nights.

xxxxxxx

[Guest_322]

Oh Corny,

My name is clearly not Wednesday but I just wanted to swing by to see how you're holding up.

Just let it out...have your cry. You're allowed to cry and you're allowed to not be okay (not that you need anyone's "permission"). Sometimes when you finally say things out loud, that's when the pain truly hits. S**t gets real and s**t hurts. But credit to you for finding you voice!

You're not weak. Crying isn't weak. Hurting isn't weak. Vulnerability can be strength too, you know. The only weak ones were the ones who abused you. That's weak.

Not sure if I'm making any sense (probably not). My brain is truly fried from np tests, Erikson, neurotransmitters and Mkt strategies so hopefully I'm making some sense (however little).

Anyway, above all, I just wanted to pop in to give you a virtual hug.

Dottie xxxxxxxx

[Cornstarch]

Oh thanks Dot's you're such a sweetie.

When you had a father who was a narcissist, it is a very extremely, irksome, uncomfortable thing to have to open your mouth and say "I am in pain and it sucked"!

Because they are obsessed with their health. And no ones pain is as deep or as life changing as theirs. Don't you ever forget it Miss!

Who wants to feel like their messed up parent, even if only for a few minutes/hours, not me!

Fried brains on the menu tonight at Dots house. Good luck with Uni!

xxxxxx

[Guest_322]

Morning Corny,

It's one of my waking-up-in-the-wee-hours-of-the-mornings kind of days.

Oh that's right, I remember you've mentioned your father before. Ugh, that's messed up. But there's a world of difference between a narcissist's pain and most people's pain. I mean, you're not your father but I get what you're saying about not wanting to feel like him. Yaaaas, who would want to feel that way?

Granny dearest used to love to remind me how much my dad and I made her "suffer." Actually, apparently the whole family made her suffer according to her.

A favourite game of hers was her public theatrics to garner sympathy from complete strangers about her ungrateful son (my dad) and equally ungrateful grandchild (guess which grandchild she meant ha, ha). She was the victim in her own story as far as she wanted everyone to know.

Point is...once I figure what my point is...narcissists are soul suckers. I lived with one for 15 years. My dad lived with the same one for 46 years.

In Wednesday's words, don't let the beasties get to you (or whatever she said). Easier said than done but you're not your father, you know, and your pain is every bit justified (and then some). Maybe you owe it to yourself to admit how much you're really hurting.

Yes, technically it's 4 deep fried brains at Dots' as my housemates all have uni exams too (ah the joy). So at least we get to commiserate with each other 😉

T'is okay to not be okay. Take good care of yourself. Do what you gotta do. Maybe your dad didn't see your pain but you're well within your rights to see it. Own it.

Another virtual hug coming your way...

Dottie xxxxxxx

[blondguy]

Hey Corny

Excuse I for straying off topic. Corncob, Dottie and Wednesday are legends 🙂

Love & Hugz

Paul

[Cornstarch]

I feel your pain Dots, I'm naturally a morning person but wouldn't mind a better sleep, 3:30am is Corny's favourite. At least 3 mornings a week.......BING. Eyes open, lets beat the birds just to be cocky.

God Dots, why do so many people have experience with narcissists. It's scary. And all the narcissists use the same tactics, poor old Mum &my siblings got the 'ungrateful' speech everyday. If it was a speech or lecture we were lucky, screaming was bypassed tonight.

Oh I just cringe with embarrassment when you wrote about your grandma with public theatrics and garnering support from strangers.......my Dad did the same. So embarrassing. They have no shame and no pride, they just make the rest of us cringe.

For me, I don't care what success or lack of success I have to show to the world material or career-wise, the doctors words are starting to sink in. I know it was amazing that I have simply survived. I certainly will never thrive, I've resigned to having a busted brain now. Doesn't make the frustration and heart ache go away, there are buckets of tears left, the grief never seems to stop. But I would consider turning into my father a complete and utter failure. No child wants to turn into the person that brought them to therapy and mental illness in the first place! So even the smallest behaviour or gesture that slightly resembles my father is just terrifying to my nervous system. Terrifying.

Narcissists lack empathy until their image or something they want out of someone else that makes them look good to others is under threat; money, status, worldly possessions, a cool friendship group, a job, whatever inflates their ego even more. That's when they switch to Miss/Mrs/Mr charming and they can pull out all the stops and guilt trips. They will remind you of how hard their life has been.......right about....then!

I think also for me it's my minds desperate attempt to try and avoid the really sharp bits of my loss and hurt because it feels bottomless. I have been in a state of perpetual shock for years, because my father kept my nervous system in a state of perpetual shock. Thanks Dad, it was heart warming.

I hope you get some Z'zzzz's tonight. So you''re shape for Uni.

Take care Dots the end is not far.

Shout out to Paul; legend. Thanks for the compliments xx

[blondguy]

Thanks Corny

You Rock 🙂 xoxo

[Wednesday]

Dear Corn,

You can't help your past. You are doing so well, I get that you probably don’t feel that way and think this is your life for ever. I don’t believe it is, this is just now.

You my friend have so many abilities that as yet you don’t see and it may take a little while for you to see yourself as you are. You are not your father or anyone else, you have been affected by so much awful stuff, but this is not you. You are making a difference to your life by putting in the work, you will figure out a way of being at peace with yourself (and surprisingly the beasties) and people will love you for who you are. 2016 has been a tough, but, breakthrough year for you and proved your metal, yes really. You are working on change and your bravery shines through.

I like that you are starting to see yourself as a survivor rather than a victim Shed what every tears you need to there are many years to recover from and a lots to release, tears are useful here. Get all that hurt out, go yell at your Dad’s grave, do whatever it takes to get all that fear and nastiness out of you and send it back to the beasties. I'll be there with you in spirit, cheering you on, helping to wipe away the tears and laughing with you at your wonderful gallows humour. That breeze on your neck is me letting you know that you are okay and such a worthwhile person, you can do this journey.

You’re right you have lost so much, it’s time for lovely Sweetcorn to take back her life, dear one don’t let the beasties win, you are worth so much more than that.

So much happening at the moment and it getting close to “that” bloody time of year again, more drama (insert rude words here).

Hugs, xx

[Wednesday]

Hello dear Dottie, lovely to see you on the thread. Go knock those academic's socks off. I so hate getting sucked in by those people that like to play the victim role, some mental health some culture and some who know what. Hugs, xx

Dear Paul you are so sweet, thank you for your comment. I hope your world is easier these days. Hugs, xx